I saw where the inventor of the Rubiks cube had a birthday the other day...my first thought was..."he's STILL alive?"...i would have thought that some crazy guy, fed up with trying to figure out how the darn thing works would have taken him out by now...i actually bought a rubiks cube--for the first time in 25 years--when they were celebrating their birthday last year and it only took a minute to figure out WHY i hadn't picked one up in 25 years...they stink!
I took my Rubiks cube out on my back 40 and shot it with my bb gun...it felt so good i went back in and brought out my chess set and got rid of that too...come to think of it, my Monopoly game has been starting to act kind of cocky lately...hmmmmmmmm.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Diets Suck!
...And this is coming from someone who is "technically" on a diet 365 days a year!
It's kind of frightening how it "all of a sudden" creeps up on you, one day, your jeans don't fit...(now, keep in mind your...ok, i mean MY jeans had been getting kind of tight lately BUT) ...then there's that awful day when even lying on the bed to zip up your jeans doesn't work...and then i'm like, "how'd this happen?!"
Has that ever happen to you?...No?...must just be me then...
There was a time a few years back where, out of TOTAL DESPERATION i wrote "NO" on the fridge in lipstick thinking that it would stop me during my late night raids...(under the logic that if i saw "NO" on my fridge at 3 am in the morning i would turn away and go back to bed)...i would have been better off writing "WASH ME" for as much good it did me, as the only thing i lost was part of my security deposit as the lipstick stained part of my fridge (darn you Max Factor!)
1. During my years as a professional dieter i have learned a few things...that drinking 8 ounces of grapefruit juice a day DOES work in helping you lose 3 pounds a month...(thanks to the National Enquirer for that information)...with the only problem, of course is it has to be the unsweetened crap and oh yeah, you have to ACTUALLY drink it...
2. I've also learned that you really don't have to exercise AS HARD if your willing to drink 64 ounces of water a day, which really wouldn't be that big of a deal except i never seem to remember to do it until 10 at night and then i empty out my 32 ounce cup of Code Red Mountain Dew from Speedway...(i'm trying to earn enough points for one of those free Applebee dinners)...then you fill the now empty cup with water and chug it down....SUGGESTION....if your not in "the mood" to chug a ton of water at one sitting it helps if you have one of those little packages of sour cream and onion potato chips...(you can get 4 for a dollar at most Pick N Save stores)..then you drink your water in two parts...grab a magazine and head on up to the bathroom...oh, and don't forget your pillow...your going to be up there for a while...
It's kind of frightening how it "all of a sudden" creeps up on you, one day, your jeans don't fit...(now, keep in mind your...ok, i mean MY jeans had been getting kind of tight lately BUT) ...then there's that awful day when even lying on the bed to zip up your jeans doesn't work...and then i'm like, "how'd this happen?!"
Has that ever happen to you?...No?...must just be me then...
There was a time a few years back where, out of TOTAL DESPERATION i wrote "NO" on the fridge in lipstick thinking that it would stop me during my late night raids...(under the logic that if i saw "NO" on my fridge at 3 am in the morning i would turn away and go back to bed)...i would have been better off writing "WASH ME" for as much good it did me, as the only thing i lost was part of my security deposit as the lipstick stained part of my fridge (darn you Max Factor!)
1. During my years as a professional dieter i have learned a few things...that drinking 8 ounces of grapefruit juice a day DOES work in helping you lose 3 pounds a month...(thanks to the National Enquirer for that information)...with the only problem, of course is it has to be the unsweetened crap and oh yeah, you have to ACTUALLY drink it...
2. I've also learned that you really don't have to exercise AS HARD if your willing to drink 64 ounces of water a day, which really wouldn't be that big of a deal except i never seem to remember to do it until 10 at night and then i empty out my 32 ounce cup of Code Red Mountain Dew from Speedway...(i'm trying to earn enough points for one of those free Applebee dinners)...then you fill the now empty cup with water and chug it down....SUGGESTION....if your not in "the mood" to chug a ton of water at one sitting it helps if you have one of those little packages of sour cream and onion potato chips...(you can get 4 for a dollar at most Pick N Save stores)..then you drink your water in two parts...grab a magazine and head on up to the bathroom...oh, and don't forget your pillow...your going to be up there for a while...
More summer emails...
My friend Cindy emailed me this and i just loved it...i thought you might get a kick out of it too...
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself...unless of course i want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I will honor my personality flaws, for without them i would have no personality at all!
AND LASTLY,
Just for today, i will not sit in my living room all day watching tv...instead, i will move my tv into the bedroom. AMEN.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself...unless of course i want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I will honor my personality flaws, for without them i would have no personality at all!
AND LASTLY,
Just for today, i will not sit in my living room all day watching tv...instead, i will move my tv into the bedroom. AMEN.
Summer salvation...i call it "the garden"
With all the crazy things going on in the world thank God, for the garden...mine isn't much...it's more of a "survival of the fittest" type garden...and so far the dandilions are doing fine, thank you...i saw a report in the news the other day that the green house effect is making the poison ivy stronger and more potent but i haven't seen an example of it in my garden as the "super deadly" crab grass has choked it out...
But i'm comforted to know that at least one of my friends as a "green thumb" and i live out my fantasy of super gardener through her emails;
"Oh, and by the way, my tomatoes are great! I marinaded them with cucumbers and onions from the garden along with my basil, parsley and cilantro in balsamic vinegar, dijon, tomato paste, kosher salt, sugar and olive oil...i served it over iceburg lettuce sprinkled with parmesan and a side of rye bread...yum! Love,
Pennyjo."
No matter how down i get about the world, i think about Pennyjo and her garden and i always feel better!
Friday, July 14, 2006
In memory of my grandma, Reba Davison of Mason City, Iowa
Christmas 1977...as you can see, we are a family that liked lots of pets!
I originally posted this in July, at that time my mom and i were discussing my grandmothers situation...you see, my mom had recently had to put her mom in the nursing home because my grandma decided she was no longer going to take her meds...that's right, grandma's off her meds...which you think would make a great situation comedy..."TONITE, on...GRANDMA'S OFF HER MEDS"...Grandma Reba takes on Hells Angels at Walgreens while waiting for her XANAX with hilarious results!"
O.k...maybe not...unless you knew my grandma and realized that she REALLY COULD take on Hells Angel if she wanted too...(as long as it didn't interfere with her bridge night with the girls)...my grandma chose instead, to take on everyone else...my grandma is a fighter...that is why she has lived so long (98! and still in her own home)...she was the eighth child of nine kids and has outlived them all...grew up in a very poor Quaker household with NO CAR...rode a horse to everything but that was, of course, when they were lucky to have a horse...they had very little food, heck, the depression was nothing for my grandma...she didn't even notice when it hit...but she survived to raise my mom and uncle and send them to college, and then SHE decided to go to college in 1962 when she was well into her 50's...something that was so unusual at the time that she was a front page article in the paper..."old lady goes to college" or something like that...she went on to become a nurse and then got hired by all her friends kids to take care of their parents when they couldn't take care of themselves, she was still doing private nursing INTO HER 80's when she was forced into retirement...because all her friends had passed away...
And, of my gosh, still driving well into her 80's...in fact, i have actually gone storm chasing an F 3 tornado and still was never as scared as when i went for a car ride with my grandma in her 1967 "boat"...one of those big giant gas guzzlers that was only driven by a little old lady to church...except that she drove over lawns and sidewalks to get there...(completely oblivious to her screaming neighbors as she HATED wearing her hearing aids)...there she was balancing her 86 year old hiney on TWO Mason City Iowa phone books (hey, it's a small town-you need two) so she could look over the steering wheel and see who she was flipping off..."stupid kids" she would mutter to 60 year old guys she cut off until my dad finally had to sneak into her garage and disable her car so she would stop driving...but i can think of no one tougher then my grandma...i will never have to fear growing old or stale thanks to my grandma...she started her life over and because of her example...when i turn 50 i'm going to run off and become a roadie for Stevie Nicks, or Heart or even Cher...we sisters are taking it on the road and doing it for ourselves!!!
But no my grandma is tired and wants to go home, on her terms of course...
God bless you Grandma Reba, i'll miss you,
Cindy
ps...before you go, could you please jot down your cinnamon-apple recipe...if you have time?
November 20, 2006...As it turns out, my grandma didn't have time...my grandma passed away suddenly Thursday, November 16, 2006 just a couple of months after her son died...my grandma survived just about everything but the death of a child...that's when she really gave up...but she kept her mind to the end, and i will cherish her memory to the end of mine.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Hi Dad, happy fathers day!
How's that line in the movie "Honey, i Blew up the Kids" Go...? Mommys mean business BUT Daddy's mean FUN!!!
I'd like to thank my dad for all the wonderful memories he gave me...i can remember being in my 20's and sitting on the front porch of my house after i had gotten kicked out of college and moaning to my dad, "i have NO idea what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, and my dad going "me neither...want another beer?" Or the time i was in second grade and i was crying because i had just finished reading a book called "Charlottes Web" and had gotten to the part where the spider dies, and my dad started crying with me and he said "that is the saddest story i have ever heard...want a beer?"
I LOVE YOU DAD!!!!
I'd like to thank my dad for all the wonderful memories he gave me...i can remember being in my 20's and sitting on the front porch of my house after i had gotten kicked out of college and moaning to my dad, "i have NO idea what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, and my dad going "me neither...want another beer?" Or the time i was in second grade and i was crying because i had just finished reading a book called "Charlottes Web" and had gotten to the part where the spider dies, and my dad started crying with me and he said "that is the saddest story i have ever heard...want a beer?"
I LOVE YOU DAD!!!!
Monday, June 05, 2006
My friend has a dream...want to help?
I have really awesome friends who dream BIG DREAMS...(not the crappy dreams like i have which include beer and margaritas and running from big scarey monsters--who want my beer and margaritas!)
My friend Jim Muracco emailed me about a friend of his; Dan Fouliard, who is a local film maker who is attempting to document his attempt to get U2 to perform at Miller Park next St. Patty's day in a concert that would raise funds to fight aids and hunger...WOW!...what a dream!!!
Do you feel inspired? Log onto his website; www.Voiceofamillionpetition.com and check out his dream and sign his petition...who knows?...stranger things have happened...
My friend Jim Muracco emailed me about a friend of his; Dan Fouliard, who is a local film maker who is attempting to document his attempt to get U2 to perform at Miller Park next St. Patty's day in a concert that would raise funds to fight aids and hunger...WOW!...what a dream!!!
Do you feel inspired? Log onto his website; www.Voiceofamillionpetition.com and check out his dream and sign his petition...who knows?...stranger things have happened...
My daughter, the bill collector
When your a kid, it takes forever for summer to get here...when your an adult, you blink and here it is! (summers here?...i still haven't paid off the heating bill) My daughter is at the age now where she wants a job so she can make some money...i tried to help her out by paying her a dollar every time the phone rings and she tells them "mom's not here"--that's worth a dollar don't you think?...i also extended the same offer to my son, that way the phone gets answered and i know which bill collector wants their money and if MADD needs another donation...so far my son has only billed me two bucks BUT this morning my daughter presented me with a bill for SIXTY BUCKS!!!
Oh yeah, she kept records of who called and when and everything, so now i'm gonna have to pay my son a dollar to tell her i'm not home when she tries to collect!
Oh yeah, she kept records of who called and when and everything, so now i'm gonna have to pay my son a dollar to tell her i'm not home when she tries to collect!
I didn't SUCK!
I don't think...but as far as i could tell, no one yelled "you suck", but then again my hearing isn't the best anyway...
A few weeks ago i invited you to join me for "stand-up comedy" graduation night and i want to thank you...ok...a few of you...for accepting my invitation and hopefully you had a great...ok, good time...i think trying to attempt comedy is like the first huuuuge drop on a roller coaster...you close your eyes and raise your hands in the air and wheeeeeee...i was on Dan Kyle's show the day before and tried out some of my material...the jokes i thought would just kill...kinda landed with a thud on the studio floor and the stuff i thought sucked, well, Dan thought was funny...at the time i thought that Dan just didn't have a sense of humor, but as it turns out, the stuff Dan thought was killer, killed...
Further proof that HUBER has NO HUMOR:
On driving; Not that i suffer from road rage but my daughter once asked me why i'm always flipping people off...i told her it's because i don't have a gun...
on Diets; Willpower is over-rated, if it was so damn important someone would have invented a drug for it...
(ok...maybe you needed a couple of beers before i got started...they don't call it a "two drink minimum for nothing...)
So, you think YOU CAN DO BETTER????
(chances are you can)
Contact the Comedy Cafe to get in touch with Roz Turner to find out more about her comedy classes...email them (Comedy Cafe) or email me and leave a phone number and i'll pass it along to Roz...or visit my friends on open mike night...the awesome Tony Miller hosts OPEN MIKE at the Skylight on Broadway, 150 N. Broadway, Thursday nights at 9pm...or contact Nola J. at the Ardor Pub also on Broadway...i believe Wednesday nights...(i'll double check on that), she and Tony are unbelievably funny and incredibly supportive...c'mon, you know you want to!
A few weeks ago i invited you to join me for "stand-up comedy" graduation night and i want to thank you...ok...a few of you...for accepting my invitation and hopefully you had a great...ok, good time...i think trying to attempt comedy is like the first huuuuge drop on a roller coaster...you close your eyes and raise your hands in the air and wheeeeeee...i was on Dan Kyle's show the day before and tried out some of my material...the jokes i thought would just kill...kinda landed with a thud on the studio floor and the stuff i thought sucked, well, Dan thought was funny...at the time i thought that Dan just didn't have a sense of humor, but as it turns out, the stuff Dan thought was killer, killed...
Further proof that HUBER has NO HUMOR:
On driving; Not that i suffer from road rage but my daughter once asked me why i'm always flipping people off...i told her it's because i don't have a gun...
on Diets; Willpower is over-rated, if it was so damn important someone would have invented a drug for it...
(ok...maybe you needed a couple of beers before i got started...they don't call it a "two drink minimum for nothing...)
So, you think YOU CAN DO BETTER????
(chances are you can)
Contact the Comedy Cafe to get in touch with Roz Turner to find out more about her comedy classes...email them (Comedy Cafe) or email me and leave a phone number and i'll pass it along to Roz...or visit my friends on open mike night...the awesome Tony Miller hosts OPEN MIKE at the Skylight on Broadway, 150 N. Broadway, Thursday nights at 9pm...or contact Nola J. at the Ardor Pub also on Broadway...i believe Wednesday nights...(i'll double check on that), she and Tony are unbelievably funny and incredibly supportive...c'mon, you know you want to!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Hi there...want to be a comic?
Seriously...ok...perhaps the word serious and comedy don't go together but i grew up during the Steve Martin and Saturday Night Live (original cast) years...and after Watergate we all needed to laugh...thank God we had Bill Cosby and George Carlin and of course the late GREAT Richard Pryer...and a few short years later Eddie Murphy and the awesome late Sam Kinison....
Not for one moment do i think i have even 1 percent of their talent, but i caught the bug emceeing comedy shows at the Oneida Casino up in Green Bay back in the early 90's...and a few short years later when i emceed the comedy shows here at Summerfest-- back when we had a comedy tent...it was there i met the awesome Roz Turner and found out that she has a comedy class...now Roz use to book ALL of the comedians in the Wisconsin area and she has, of course, the most awesome stories (you'll have to ask her about trying to track down the - at that time - the homeless Drew Carey)...
Short story...i took her class...and now it's time for me to graduate...this Wednesday night at the five star Comedy Cafe on 615 E. Brady here in Milwaukee...and YOUR INVITED! The cost is 4 dollars and a two drink minimum and you can watch your "favorite" disc jockey fall flat on her face OR maybe actually get a laugh out of you...i'm not sure which way it's gonna go which is the beauty of this...you see, this is my second time in the saddle...the first time...well, i'm not sure if i should tell you...oh the heck with it...i was the first comic up and the audience was SOBER...and sadly enough, so was i...and so when i got up on that cold cruel heartless stage and began spewing off jokes about my kids, ex-husbands and turtle...(yes, turtle)...i can still remember the look of total disbelief that spread through the audience...(she's just compared her turtle to George Clooney?-AND she's still got 3 minutes?!!!...it was 3 years a go and the thought of how absolutely awful i was still sobers me up...and i've had 6 beers!)...
I DEFY YOU to do better...and of course you could...which is why your invited this Wednesday night at 7:30...you might want to come earlier for best seating and visit Roz Turner's comedy graduation class of May, 2006...i've seen all the acts and believe me...i'm the only one doing the turtle jokes...although i've added cool stuff about snakes and hamsters--ok--i'm kidding...about the hamsters anyway...check it out...and if you want...talk to Roz about taking a class...you get a cool certificate that says your a comic and everyone loves you...ok...again i'm kidding...but you do get a certificate...
Comedy Cafe is right off of North Water and East Brady...see you in class!
Not for one moment do i think i have even 1 percent of their talent, but i caught the bug emceeing comedy shows at the Oneida Casino up in Green Bay back in the early 90's...and a few short years later when i emceed the comedy shows here at Summerfest-- back when we had a comedy tent...it was there i met the awesome Roz Turner and found out that she has a comedy class...now Roz use to book ALL of the comedians in the Wisconsin area and she has, of course, the most awesome stories (you'll have to ask her about trying to track down the - at that time - the homeless Drew Carey)...
Short story...i took her class...and now it's time for me to graduate...this Wednesday night at the five star Comedy Cafe on 615 E. Brady here in Milwaukee...and YOUR INVITED! The cost is 4 dollars and a two drink minimum and you can watch your "favorite" disc jockey fall flat on her face OR maybe actually get a laugh out of you...i'm not sure which way it's gonna go which is the beauty of this...you see, this is my second time in the saddle...the first time...well, i'm not sure if i should tell you...oh the heck with it...i was the first comic up and the audience was SOBER...and sadly enough, so was i...and so when i got up on that cold cruel heartless stage and began spewing off jokes about my kids, ex-husbands and turtle...(yes, turtle)...i can still remember the look of total disbelief that spread through the audience...(she's just compared her turtle to George Clooney?-AND she's still got 3 minutes?!!!...it was 3 years a go and the thought of how absolutely awful i was still sobers me up...and i've had 6 beers!)...
I DEFY YOU to do better...and of course you could...which is why your invited this Wednesday night at 7:30...you might want to come earlier for best seating and visit Roz Turner's comedy graduation class of May, 2006...i've seen all the acts and believe me...i'm the only one doing the turtle jokes...although i've added cool stuff about snakes and hamsters--ok--i'm kidding...about the hamsters anyway...check it out...and if you want...talk to Roz about taking a class...you get a cool certificate that says your a comic and everyone loves you...ok...again i'm kidding...but you do get a certificate...
Comedy Cafe is right off of North Water and East Brady...see you in class!
Happy Mothers Day Y'all
Ok...so i'm a little late...and if you have kids...EVERYDAY is mothers day...so go ahead, take that nice long walk with your kids...don't worry, those dishes will still be waiting for you when you get back!
My mom was never the "traditional" mom type...back when other mommys stayed home my mom was a hardworking nurse who didn't put up with any bulls*** from her kids...and she was always brutally honest...when i would tell her about one of my many poor decisions always involving a bad choice of boyfriend...my mom was never the "poor darling"...she was more the "i hope you never forget the pain your feeling right now so that you will always be reminded of it the next time your tempted to go out with another loser!" And you know what...it worked!
And yet, this was the same mom who didn't blink when i told her i wanted to go to a strict religious college in the early 80's...she got our next door neighbor to sew up all the slits in my skirts (skirts with slits were fashionable back then...right before the "cut off collars on sweatshirts style which of course you can blame on the movie "FLASHDANCE"!) And three months later when i changed my mind and decided that no...radio was going to be my "calling"...she didn't blink or say the obvious "i hope you don't mind not having enough money to eat"...because she knew how badly i wanted to lose weight anyway...and recently when i told her if this radio thing didn't work out i'd like to be a "stand-up comedian" she remembered that i was the funniest kid in sixth grade!!! (actually, i was the most unpopular kid at Summerdale School in Rockford, Illinois, but i didn't want to contradict her)
Happy moms day mom...i love you!
My mom was never the "traditional" mom type...back when other mommys stayed home my mom was a hardworking nurse who didn't put up with any bulls*** from her kids...and she was always brutally honest...when i would tell her about one of my many poor decisions always involving a bad choice of boyfriend...my mom was never the "poor darling"...she was more the "i hope you never forget the pain your feeling right now so that you will always be reminded of it the next time your tempted to go out with another loser!" And you know what...it worked!
And yet, this was the same mom who didn't blink when i told her i wanted to go to a strict religious college in the early 80's...she got our next door neighbor to sew up all the slits in my skirts (skirts with slits were fashionable back then...right before the "cut off collars on sweatshirts style which of course you can blame on the movie "FLASHDANCE"!) And three months later when i changed my mind and decided that no...radio was going to be my "calling"...she didn't blink or say the obvious "i hope you don't mind not having enough money to eat"...because she knew how badly i wanted to lose weight anyway...and recently when i told her if this radio thing didn't work out i'd like to be a "stand-up comedian" she remembered that i was the funniest kid in sixth grade!!! (actually, i was the most unpopular kid at Summerdale School in Rockford, Illinois, but i didn't want to contradict her)
Happy moms day mom...i love you!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
On Monday, my neighbors dog died
Which just broke my heart...i'm a big dog lover and i absolutely adored her dog Max...which i called Old Man...as in "hey old Man...want a doggie biscuit?"...which of course is one of the reasons he became one of my favorite "people"...a dog biscuit is a small price to pay to have someone really give a "damn" whether your home or not...and trust me...this dog CARED...a lot...which is why, i would find him sitting on my doorstep just about every afternoon around 5pm...just sitting...waiting for me...(although my husband contended that Max was senile and couldn't remember what door he belonged too)...i knew better...and so what if it was for uno "doggie biscuit"...i've had boyfriends that weren't as loyal or FAITHFUL and they got more then a "doggie biscuit"...
My neighbor (who was just devastated) actually had people tell her "it's just a dog...it's not like it's your kid"...and first off...what kind of "knuckle head would say that to ANYONE"...(could they be the same people who, a couple of months ago told a lady who lost her child from the infamous Sizzler salad debacle of a few years back and who herself was dying from cancer that "at least she was joining her kid in heaven...as IF THAT makes it ALL BETTER?! -- it's true...it was mentioned in her obituary!) Morons.
My theory is that anyone who tries to comfort ANYONE with that bullsh#*...has NEVER GRIEVED and has NO BUSINESS opening their mouth...does that make me sound cruel(?)...don't care. See, i can be a moron too!
My whole family is baptist because of ONE animal lover...no lie...my parents never went to church and then one day our dog died...that next Monday a couple of Jehovah Witnesses came to the door and my heartbroken father asked them "do dogs go to heaven" in which they replied (something to the effect of) blah blah spirit no soul blah blah...NO...to which my dad kicked them out of the house with "i'm not going anywhere where dogs aren't allowed"...
THE VERY NEXT WEEK...a baptist Sunday school teacher showed up at the door to which my dad asked the very same question..."do dogs go to heaven" and he said "of course dogs go to heaven, in the bible it says that in heaven the lion will lay down with the lamb (and not get eaten) and what kind of heaven would it be without dogs anyway?"...the VERY NEXT SUNDAY...my dad was in the baptist church...
Personally, i like the send-off my dad gave my aunts goldfish when they were kids...my aunt never cleaned her goldfish bowl and it stunk so bad that my dad decided to help her out by pouring perfume into the bowl...with, as you can imagine, the obvious results...so when my heartbroken aunt confronted my dad...he offered to give her goldfish a proper send off complete with a 21 gun salute (which apparently was legal in those days as it was the 40's and every boy had a bb gun)...so as the goldfish were buried and the time came to give the salute...my dad solemly lifted his bb gun...and pointed it to the spot where the goldfish were buried and shot them...21 times...60 years later my aunt still brings it up and my dad hasn't fired a gun since...
My neighbor (who was just devastated) actually had people tell her "it's just a dog...it's not like it's your kid"...and first off...what kind of "knuckle head would say that to ANYONE"...(could they be the same people who, a couple of months ago told a lady who lost her child from the infamous Sizzler salad debacle of a few years back and who herself was dying from cancer that "at least she was joining her kid in heaven...as IF THAT makes it ALL BETTER?! -- it's true...it was mentioned in her obituary!) Morons.
My theory is that anyone who tries to comfort ANYONE with that bullsh#*...has NEVER GRIEVED and has NO BUSINESS opening their mouth...does that make me sound cruel(?)...don't care. See, i can be a moron too!
My whole family is baptist because of ONE animal lover...no lie...my parents never went to church and then one day our dog died...that next Monday a couple of Jehovah Witnesses came to the door and my heartbroken father asked them "do dogs go to heaven" in which they replied (something to the effect of) blah blah spirit no soul blah blah...NO...to which my dad kicked them out of the house with "i'm not going anywhere where dogs aren't allowed"...
THE VERY NEXT WEEK...a baptist Sunday school teacher showed up at the door to which my dad asked the very same question..."do dogs go to heaven" and he said "of course dogs go to heaven, in the bible it says that in heaven the lion will lay down with the lamb (and not get eaten) and what kind of heaven would it be without dogs anyway?"...the VERY NEXT SUNDAY...my dad was in the baptist church...
Personally, i like the send-off my dad gave my aunts goldfish when they were kids...my aunt never cleaned her goldfish bowl and it stunk so bad that my dad decided to help her out by pouring perfume into the bowl...with, as you can imagine, the obvious results...so when my heartbroken aunt confronted my dad...he offered to give her goldfish a proper send off complete with a 21 gun salute (which apparently was legal in those days as it was the 40's and every boy had a bb gun)...so as the goldfish were buried and the time came to give the salute...my dad solemly lifted his bb gun...and pointed it to the spot where the goldfish were buried and shot them...21 times...60 years later my aunt still brings it up and my dad hasn't fired a gun since...
Monday, April 17, 2006
A new DOG DIET? What the...?!
Actually, it's not a diet for your dog...not that my dog couldn't use it...he needs to lose a few pounds cuz he's eating what i'm eating which come to think of it i need to lose...
Which is exactly why i LOVE this new book A DOG DIET...A MEMOIR...here's the deal, you can lose weight by owning a dog...which i can tell you does work...just by buying a dog and paying his first vet bill which turned out to be a couple of hundred dollars...my billfold instantly became several pounds lighter which in turn transulated into exactly 2 ounces on my scale!
Seriously, and by the way i was...it's a really great NEW book written by Patti Lawson which i enjoyed because...well, i love dogs...she writes on how her dog helped her lose weight by annoying her out of bed each morning to walk her...which, believe it or not...excercising in morning burns more stored fat (at least 20 percent worth!) then any other time of the day...unless of course your walking the dog over to Honeydipp donuts...other things her dog taught her about losing weight..."if it's quiet and doesn't smell good...EAT IT"..."if your dog likes your snack...you probably shouldn't eat it"...and most importantly..."the duties of dog care aren't burdens...their calorie consumers!"
THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY DOG...
My neighbors dog is in heat.
The cat's litter box smells.
There are mice in our crawl space.
Einsteins special theory of relativity in which space and time are intimately connected...oh wait...that was the cat!
Which is exactly why i LOVE this new book A DOG DIET...A MEMOIR...here's the deal, you can lose weight by owning a dog...which i can tell you does work...just by buying a dog and paying his first vet bill which turned out to be a couple of hundred dollars...my billfold instantly became several pounds lighter which in turn transulated into exactly 2 ounces on my scale!
Seriously, and by the way i was...it's a really great NEW book written by Patti Lawson which i enjoyed because...well, i love dogs...she writes on how her dog helped her lose weight by annoying her out of bed each morning to walk her...which, believe it or not...excercising in morning burns more stored fat (at least 20 percent worth!) then any other time of the day...unless of course your walking the dog over to Honeydipp donuts...other things her dog taught her about losing weight..."if it's quiet and doesn't smell good...EAT IT"..."if your dog likes your snack...you probably shouldn't eat it"...and most importantly..."the duties of dog care aren't burdens...their calorie consumers!"
THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY DOG...
My neighbors dog is in heat.
The cat's litter box smells.
There are mice in our crawl space.
Einsteins special theory of relativity in which space and time are intimately connected...oh wait...that was the cat!
Friday, April 07, 2006
Cindy in Jamaica...OR...where is all the tequila????
ANSWER: Apparently in Mexico...
I found this out when i ordered a Margarita and they put RUM in it..."don't you have tequila?" i asked and they said yes...and proceeded to pour in the rum...but then i discovered who needs tequila when you can have hummingbirds...or even, beer margaritas...now i know your thinking...this isn't gonna be a whole blog post dedicated to what Huber drank in Jamaica...BETTER...this is a blog post with RECIPES...you can thank me later...
I was lucky enough to be selected as a host to our awesome KTI listeners who won our Jamaica vacation contest and i can honestly tell you...they weren't only winners of our contest...they were winners in my book...what a wonderful group of people...i loved each and every one of you...and shared hangovers with you too!
Before i left, i heard stories about how Jamaicans drive and i can honestly tell you that ALL Jamaicans drive like their from Illinois!!!!! Honestly, they all drive like they're in a hurry to get to eternity, barreling down the wrong side of narrow beat up roads like "NO PROBLEM MON"...the only thing missing was the toll booths!!
I found this out when i ordered a Margarita and they put RUM in it..."don't you have tequila?" i asked and they said yes...and proceeded to pour in the rum...but then i discovered who needs tequila when you can have hummingbirds...or even, beer margaritas...now i know your thinking...this isn't gonna be a whole blog post dedicated to what Huber drank in Jamaica...BETTER...this is a blog post with RECIPES...you can thank me later...
I was lucky enough to be selected as a host to our awesome KTI listeners who won our Jamaica vacation contest and i can honestly tell you...they weren't only winners of our contest...they were winners in my book...what a wonderful group of people...i loved each and every one of you...and shared hangovers with you too!
Before i left, i heard stories about how Jamaicans drive and i can honestly tell you that ALL Jamaicans drive like their from Illinois!!!!! Honestly, they all drive like they're in a hurry to get to eternity, barreling down the wrong side of narrow beat up roads like "NO PROBLEM MON"...the only thing missing was the toll booths!!
Most surprising (to me) about Jamaica is what i had NEVER HEARD OF...the incredible number of KFC's...that's right friend...Kentucky Fried Chickens...the Jamaicans LOVE our KFC's and there were a ton of them spread out from Montego Bay all the way to Negril...our Jamaican driver explained it to us this way, to Jamaican women KFC stands for Keep From Cooking!
The RIU Negril was an incredibly beautiful place that has probably ruined any other destination vacation for me forever...going to "scenic South Dakota" just doesn't have the same sparkle...or BEACHES!
What i found surreal about the whole Negril, Jamaica vacation is just how the Americans are the minority in this resort...it was a slightly bizarre although extremely satisfying experience sitting in a beach chair next to vacationers from all over the world and trying to guess by their accents which was which...and because the RIU Negril is really a family resort...i got a kick out of watching families from other countries (France, Spain, South America, England Germany, and Canada) argue with each other...that's right boys and girls...it's not just the Yanks who don't understand their kids! That said, you can go ALL around the world and still run into people you know...the very first night in the buffet hall my husband (who is a mortician) ran into someone whose family member he buried several months before...we spent the next several days trying to give them their privacy...BUT...we KEPT RUNNING INTO THEM!!!
OH!...and it's not just the Americans who are noticing the "greenhouse effect"...i spent about 30 minutes with a couple from London and the bartender from Jamaica discussing this same topic...the couple from London have noticed that their winters are much milder with spring, summer and fall far less enjoyable as a result...while the Jamaican bartender has complained that the weather has become much less enjoyable in the last few years because of the heat...
Surreal Moment...Up on top of a mountain in the middle of the Jamaican rain forest and far away from the resort...our guides had a small little radio playing a Jamaican radio station with Jamaican tunes when all of a sudden the jock puts on the Pussycat Dolls "Stickwitu"...
and one more thought...our same guides showed us what they called "hanging trees" where Jamaican slaves were hung for whatever their master deemed "misbehaving"...which is why there are no "happy ghosts" in Jamaica...all the spirits are very angry and our guides are afraid of them!
And now for the RECIPES!!!!
Hummingbirds!
1 oz. rum cream, 1 oz. Tia Maria, 1/2 oz. Grenadine, 1 oz. coconut milk, 1/2 banana (whole) and 1 to 2 cups ice-crushed...throw everything in a blender and blend til smooth...go ahead, thank me later!
Beer Margaritas!
6 oz. tequila, 6 oz. beer, 6 oz. frozen limeade concentrate, and ice cubes...put all the ingrediants in the cup first then cap with the beer...Tequila and beer, does it get any better!!!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
If Bernie Mac is Mr.3000 just WHERE the H*** AM I?!
One movie i really want to see is the GODFATHER OF GREEN BAY...i don't have to worry about the reviews...my buddy Mark Borchardt is in it and that's good enough for me...i bet you didn't know this but i was once in a movie too...oh yeah...you might have seen it...MR. 3000...it wasn't a real BIG part...in fact...you could refer to me as "EXTRA"...as in EXTRA WONDERFUL PAID EXTRA...that's right...no ordinary extra BUT a PAID...ok ok i'll cut the crap...
I spent about 3 weeks at Miller Park working on this movie from 6 at night til 6 the next morning...i can tell you at the very beginning of the shoot i was crazy enough to think i would actualy somehow be discovered..."sure i'm a little plump and of well, average looks, but by GOD someone on that set is going to discover i can't act AND they are gonna make me a STAR"!!! The only problem is EVERYONE on that set the very first day had EXACTLY the same thought...(and there were 60 of us that day - later the numbers swelled to 800 people)
Then, by about the third day i realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that anyone would ever see me in this movie which freed me to think about much more important things like; "what's for supper"? (which on the movie set was served anytime from 11 pm to 2 in the morning...and usually involved some incarnation of boneless, skinless chicken)
So as i sat in Miller Park night after night watching the sun go down and then coming back up 12 hours later and thinking about how i was never going to be famous and wondering if it was going to be chicken again for supper (it was, night after night after night)...i made NEW friends just like me with names like Hollie and Zimdog and that chick from Midwest Airlines who had been laid off...and better yet...they taught me how to play a mean game of bullsh**!
(yes, there is a card game called bullsh** and it's a fun game and cool people play it...ok?...although if you must know we didn't shout bullsh** when we played it...we would say bullcrap...ok...i'm just kidding...we said bullsh**)
So, what did we do 12 hours at night sitting in the bleachers at Miller Park...you know, when we weren't eating chicken and playing bullsh**?
Well, some nights it took them hours just to set up a shot and it seemed like sometime between 2 am and 3 am they would trot out Bernie and then they would film a scene...other nights they would trot us up and down the seats of Miller Park...shoot a scene...move us to another section of the ballpark...shoot the same scene again at another angle...and then again at...(you get the gist)...and we would cheer (but don't make any noise...(the sound effect guys would add that later)...look to the right...look to the left...jump up and cheer...(please people...NO NOISE!)..."ok...we have the shot"...now back to the card game again...
My being a "paid extra" is one of those things i'll always be glad i did even if it did ruin the glamour of movie making...in fact, for me it ruined movies and tv shows altogether because now i'm busy looking at the people in the background and i miss what the MAIN actors and actresses are dion...(look at the young guy in the background holding a glass of wine pretending to talk to that middle age woman in the pink dress...he's faking it!)
I spent about 3 weeks at Miller Park working on this movie from 6 at night til 6 the next morning...i can tell you at the very beginning of the shoot i was crazy enough to think i would actualy somehow be discovered..."sure i'm a little plump and of well, average looks, but by GOD someone on that set is going to discover i can't act AND they are gonna make me a STAR"!!! The only problem is EVERYONE on that set the very first day had EXACTLY the same thought...(and there were 60 of us that day - later the numbers swelled to 800 people)
Then, by about the third day i realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that anyone would ever see me in this movie which freed me to think about much more important things like; "what's for supper"? (which on the movie set was served anytime from 11 pm to 2 in the morning...and usually involved some incarnation of boneless, skinless chicken)
So as i sat in Miller Park night after night watching the sun go down and then coming back up 12 hours later and thinking about how i was never going to be famous and wondering if it was going to be chicken again for supper (it was, night after night after night)...i made NEW friends just like me with names like Hollie and Zimdog and that chick from Midwest Airlines who had been laid off...and better yet...they taught me how to play a mean game of bullsh**!
(yes, there is a card game called bullsh** and it's a fun game and cool people play it...ok?...although if you must know we didn't shout bullsh** when we played it...we would say bullcrap...ok...i'm just kidding...we said bullsh**)
So, what did we do 12 hours at night sitting in the bleachers at Miller Park...you know, when we weren't eating chicken and playing bullsh**?
Well, some nights it took them hours just to set up a shot and it seemed like sometime between 2 am and 3 am they would trot out Bernie and then they would film a scene...other nights they would trot us up and down the seats of Miller Park...shoot a scene...move us to another section of the ballpark...shoot the same scene again at another angle...and then again at...(you get the gist)...and we would cheer (but don't make any noise...(the sound effect guys would add that later)...look to the right...look to the left...jump up and cheer...(please people...NO NOISE!)..."ok...we have the shot"...now back to the card game again...
My being a "paid extra" is one of those things i'll always be glad i did even if it did ruin the glamour of movie making...in fact, for me it ruined movies and tv shows altogether because now i'm busy looking at the people in the background and i miss what the MAIN actors and actresses are dion...(look at the young guy in the background holding a glass of wine pretending to talk to that middle age woman in the pink dress...he's faking it!)
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Not that Terri Schiavo case again!
It's like a bad dream...i had truley hoped that after last year i would never have to see or hear another thing about the sadness that was the entire Terri Schiavo story...but i see her husband is in the news again...this time to tell "his side of the story" . Personally, i don't care what he has to say...but i realize that maybe you do...that is why, whichever side you took through that nightmare last year...i think that this is one thing we can all agree on...take a good hard look at your significant other and ask..."is this really the person i want to pull the feeding out of me?"
ps...and if the answer is no...get the heck out of there!
ps...and if the answer is no...get the heck out of there!
Friday, March 24, 2006
Diets SUCK!
....And this is coming from someone who is "technically" on a diet 365 days a year!
But i'm a firm believer in if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, and then add half a quart of vodka to it!
It's kind of scarey how it "all of a sudden" creeps up on you...one day...your pants don't fit...it's what i call a "JANET JACKSON"...as in "Janet Jackson's SUPER BOWL WARDROBE MALFUNCTION"...
I have a wardrobe malfunction every day...seriously, i do....it really should be called "my clothes are too tight and i need to lose weight," but i abbreviate it by calling it my "wardrobe malfunction"...
My son turned 13 on the day of Janet's wardrobe malfunction...i had just bought him a steak dinner and as we gathered to watch the Super Bowl and Janet Jacksons boob came hurtling out of our 19 inch color tv, his eyes grew big as saucers and he turned to me and said "mom, this is the best birthday ever!"
But i'm a firm believer in if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, and then add half a quart of vodka to it!
It's kind of scarey how it "all of a sudden" creeps up on you...one day...your pants don't fit...it's what i call a "JANET JACKSON"...as in "Janet Jackson's SUPER BOWL WARDROBE MALFUNCTION"...
I have a wardrobe malfunction every day...seriously, i do....it really should be called "my clothes are too tight and i need to lose weight," but i abbreviate it by calling it my "wardrobe malfunction"...
My son turned 13 on the day of Janet's wardrobe malfunction...i had just bought him a steak dinner and as we gathered to watch the Super Bowl and Janet Jacksons boob came hurtling out of our 19 inch color tv, his eyes grew big as saucers and he turned to me and said "mom, this is the best birthday ever!"
A dog, a turtle, NO SNAKES!
This is what i can't figure out about Max the dog...how can a animal who sniffs other dogs butts and rips into the garbage on a daily basis manage to spit out his antibiotics...seriously, i've seen this dog cheerfully raid the cat's litter box...but every single night that i get home i wrap his lifesaving pill in a piece of bologna or butter and every single night Max manages to carefully eat around the pill...and spit it out.
I welcome all suggestions except "get rid of the dog"...my old man has already tried that one.
My stepson is not too happy with me..his buddy's snake (boa constricter-thanks for asking) has just had babies (and you can see where this is going can't you?)...is it my imagination or does every teenage boy have a friend who has a snake that just had babies...what are they, the new hamsters?! Of course i said NO...as in NO WAY!
Of course he thinks i'm not fair because - as he's pointed out my daughter has a dog and my son has a turtle but i'm sticking to my guns...you see, if the turtle ever escapes from his cage, he won't eat the dog!
I welcome all suggestions except "get rid of the dog"...my old man has already tried that one.
My stepson is not too happy with me..his buddy's snake (boa constricter-thanks for asking) has just had babies (and you can see where this is going can't you?)...is it my imagination or does every teenage boy have a friend who has a snake that just had babies...what are they, the new hamsters?! Of course i said NO...as in NO WAY!
Of course he thinks i'm not fair because - as he's pointed out my daughter has a dog and my son has a turtle but i'm sticking to my guns...you see, if the turtle ever escapes from his cage, he won't eat the dog!
The trouble with blogs...
Hey, i was reading the Milwaukee Journal recently when i saw a story on a couple of people who actually lost their jobs because of their blogs...that's right...they were fired because their boss actually READ their blogs...and one of the ladies had actually been fired two different times over her blog...i know what your thinking...what the H E Double toothpicks...apparently the offending post began "things i heard at the Christmas party last night"...which i can assure you that i would never post anything i heard at the Christmas party but mostly because it would probably involve me anyway like "did you see how much Huber had to drink?"...so, while i suspect no one who works here at WKTI has anything to worry about...i heard the family dog wants to have a few words with me.
Fall, 2004 The Story of Max the dog
It's a short story actually, Max got sick, i took him to the vet, and now Max is doing better...which is kind of a boring story unless you understand that Max was a birthday present for my little girl - the animal lover, (to replace her cat that had just recently passed away) when out of the blue we woke up to a pile of vomit and well...dog feces last week and it looked like another Huber pet was on his way to pet heaven...which is starting to get a little crowded...we weren't even sure if we had enough money to save him but after my daughter started crying "why do all my birthday presents die?"...we managed to scrape up a few bucks for her "save the dog fund" and we saved the dog.
So what was the problem? We're still not real sure but it's some kind of parasite whose name i forget that the dog picked up from somewhere and that's about all i know except...if your dog ever gets real sick and you rush him to the vet and the bill comes to 471 bucks...that's the one!
So far the dog is fine...i'm just glad the turtle hasn't caused us any problems lately...right now he's hibernating...at least i think he's hibernating...uh..."kids, check the turtle."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)