Pages

Monday, May 15, 2006

Hi there...want to be a comic?

Seriously...ok...perhaps the word serious and comedy don't go together but i grew up during the Steve Martin and Saturday Night Live (original cast) years...and after Watergate we all needed to laugh...thank God we had Bill Cosby and George Carlin and of course the late GREAT Richard Pryer...and a few short years later Eddie Murphy and the awesome late Sam Kinison....

Not for one moment do i think i have even 1 percent of their talent, but i caught the bug emceeing comedy shows at the Oneida Casino up in Green Bay back in the early 90's...and a few short years later when i emceed the comedy shows here at Summerfest-- back when we had a comedy tent...it was there i met the awesome Roz Turner and found out that she has a comedy class...now Roz use to book ALL of the comedians in the Wisconsin area and she has, of course, the most awesome stories (you'll have to ask her about trying to track down the - at that time - the homeless Drew Carey)...

Short story...i took her class...and now it's time for me to graduate...this Wednesday night at the five star Comedy Cafe on 615 E. Brady here in Milwaukee...and YOUR INVITED! The cost is 4 dollars and a two drink minimum and you can watch your "favorite" disc jockey fall flat on her face OR maybe actually get a laugh out of you...i'm not sure which way it's gonna go which is the beauty of this...you see, this is my second time in the saddle...the first time...well, i'm not sure if i should tell you...oh the heck with it...i was the first comic up and the audience was SOBER...and sadly enough, so was i...and so when i got up on that cold cruel heartless stage and began spewing off jokes about my kids, ex-husbands and turtle...(yes, turtle)...i can still remember the look of total disbelief that spread through the audience...(she's just compared her turtle to George Clooney?-AND she's still got 3 minutes?!!!...it was 3 years a go and the thought of how absolutely awful i was still sobers me up...and i've had 6 beers!)...

I DEFY YOU to do better...and of course you could...which is why your invited this Wednesday night at 7:30...you might want to come earlier for best seating and visit Roz Turner's comedy graduation class of May, 2006...i've seen all the acts and believe me...i'm the only one doing the turtle jokes...although i've added cool stuff about snakes and hamsters--ok--i'm kidding...about the hamsters anyway...check it out...and if you want...talk to Roz about taking a class...you get a cool certificate that says your a comic and everyone loves you...ok...again i'm kidding...but you do get a certificate...

Comedy Cafe is right off of North Water and East Brady...see you in class!

Happy Mothers Day Y'all

Ok...so i'm a little late...and if you have kids...EVERYDAY is mothers day...so go ahead, take that nice long walk with your kids...don't worry, those dishes will still be waiting for you when you get back!

My mom was never the "traditional" mom type...back when other mommys stayed home my mom was a hardworking nurse who didn't put up with any bulls*** from her kids...and she was always brutally honest...when i would tell her about one of my many poor decisions always involving a bad choice of boyfriend...my mom was never the "poor darling"...she was more the "i hope you never forget the pain your feeling right now so that you will always be reminded of it the next time your tempted to go out with another loser!" And you know what...it worked!

And yet, this was the same mom who didn't blink when i told her i wanted to go to a strict religious college in the early 80's...she got our next door neighbor to sew up all the slits in my skirts (skirts with slits were fashionable back then...right before the "cut off collars on sweatshirts style which of course you can blame on the movie "FLASHDANCE"!) And three months later when i changed my mind and decided that no...radio was going to be my "calling"...she didn't blink or say the obvious "i hope you don't mind not having enough money to eat"...because she knew how badly i wanted to lose weight anyway...and recently when i told her if this radio thing didn't work out i'd like to be a "stand-up comedian" she remembered that i was the funniest kid in sixth grade!!! (actually, i was the most unpopular kid at Summerdale School in Rockford, Illinois, but i didn't want to contradict her)

Happy moms day mom...i love you!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

On Monday, my neighbors dog died

Which just broke my heart...i'm a big dog lover and i absolutely adored her dog Max...which i called Old Man...as in "hey old Man...want a doggie biscuit?"...which of course is one of the reasons he became one of my favorite "people"...a dog biscuit is a small price to pay to have someone really give a "damn" whether your home or not...and trust me...this dog CARED...a lot...which is why, i would find him sitting on my doorstep just about every afternoon around 5pm...just sitting...waiting for me...(although my husband contended that Max was senile and couldn't remember what door he belonged too)...i knew better...and so what if it was for uno "doggie biscuit"...i've had boyfriends that weren't as loyal or FAITHFUL and they got more then a "doggie biscuit"...

My neighbor (who was just devastated) actually had people tell her "it's just a dog...it's not like it's your kid"...and first off...what kind of "knuckle head would say that to ANYONE"...(could they be the same people who, a couple of months ago told a lady who lost her child from the infamous Sizzler salad debacle of a few years back and who herself was dying from cancer that "at least she was joining her kid in heaven...as IF THAT makes it ALL BETTER?! -- it's true...it was mentioned in her obituary!) Morons.
My theory is that anyone who tries to comfort ANYONE with that bullsh#*...has NEVER GRIEVED and has NO BUSINESS opening their mouth...does that make me sound cruel(?)...don't care. See, i can be a moron too!

My whole family is baptist because of ONE animal lover...no lie...my parents never went to church and then one day our dog died...that next Monday a couple of Jehovah Witnesses came to the door and my heartbroken father asked them "do dogs go to heaven" in which they replied (something to the effect of) blah blah spirit no soul blah blah...NO...to which my dad kicked them out of the house with "i'm not going anywhere where dogs aren't allowed"...

THE VERY NEXT WEEK...a baptist Sunday school teacher showed up at the door to which my dad asked the very same question..."do dogs go to heaven" and he said "of course dogs go to heaven, in the bible it says that in heaven the lion will lay down with the lamb (and not get eaten) and what kind of heaven would it be without dogs anyway?"...the VERY NEXT SUNDAY...my dad was in the baptist church...

Personally, i like the send-off my dad gave my aunts goldfish when they were kids...my aunt never cleaned her goldfish bowl and it stunk so bad that my dad decided to help her out by pouring perfume into the bowl...with, as you can imagine, the obvious results...so when my heartbroken aunt confronted my dad...he offered to give her goldfish a proper send off complete with a 21 gun salute (which apparently was legal in those days as it was the 40's and every boy had a bb gun)...so as the goldfish were buried and the time came to give the salute...my dad solemly lifted his bb gun...and pointed it to the spot where the goldfish were buried and shot them...21 times...60 years later my aunt still brings it up and my dad hasn't fired a gun since...