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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm Driving to Target to get an Avocado...

I'm going to Target to buy an Avocado...

I should go to the regular grocery store that's closer to me, but as I'm walking out the door it occurs to me that I need a Swifter too...just in case I ever get the urge to clean my kitchen floor again which actually happened yesterday between 2:30p and 3p but couldn't because one of the kids used the Swifter to clean the snow off their car two weeks ago, and then never returned it...The other reason I should go to the grocery store closest to me is that there is a big snow/ice storm moving into the area and I should get to the store and back before it hits...but, the Swifter is 3 dollars cheaper at Target because I have a coupon...

The problem at Target has nothing to do with the fact it's 3 miles farther then the nearest grocery store...it's that everyone else has exactly the same idea, hit the store before the storm...who knew everyone in Milwaukee needed a Swifter at exactly the same time I did! But there's no such thing as buying one stinking item at the store, and it occurs to me that I probably need laundry detergent...it's not a question of if we're out, I have 3 adult kids living at home...and it's Sunday, so I'm just gonna assume we're out...

As I'm looking for the Swifter's (just where in the hell do they put them anyway???) I find the vitamin aisle and see the fish oils are on sale for 6 bucks for 360 softgels...I vaguely remember my cardiologist recommending fish oil so into the cart it goes...along with a couple of cans of Campbell chicken noodle soup, 3 Vitamin waters, and Concord grape juice...Wait a minute! It's Sunday night so I'm going to need popcorn and so I head to the snack aisle where it's unbelievable...EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the store is in the same aisle and I suddenly morph into one of my grandson Aaron's favorite X-box game from Call of Duty--my grandson is partial to Black Ops 2--where I'm a Team of One destroying thousands of Milwaukeans who are blocking my 35 calories per cup Boom Chicka Pop which unfortunately is not on sale this week, and was probably cheaper at the grocery store, which was closer to me then Target...and by the way, what is the weather doing out there?

I hurry to the check out where the aisles are three lines deep...snaking around the Maybelline make up samples I resist the urge to buy Maybelline 24 hour superstay 24 hour lip gloss because it highlights my smoker lines....and I left my Swifter coupon at home.

It's driving home from Target that scares me the most...in the short amount of time I was inside, the storm arrived and the clear highways I drove 9 miles over are now completely snow and ice covered and as I'm sitting at the red light outside the store, I see a lady in a big black minivan barreling towards me...I've always wondered what I'd do if I saw someone in my rear view mirror about to plow into me...and now I know...I'd freeze...Yes, I'd just sit there waiting for the boom-chicka boom! At the last minute she turned into the opposite lane and rolled onto the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and then miraculously, because there was no on-coming traffic, she put her minivan into reverse and pulled back behind me...Shaken, I drove home 20 miles under the speed limit and was just pulling into the driveway when it hit me...I forgot the Avocado.

Cindy Huber

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Sitting Two Feet Away from my daughter...


I am sitting two feet away from my daughter...it's been awesome...finally, some family time with my daughter...except I haven't said anything to her all night...Nope...don't have too...If I want her attention, I'll just post something on her facebook wall...

My old computer has been on life support for a few months, and finally froze up one too many times, and that was it...I was disconnected from the rest of civilization for about a month...turns out I didn't miss much...

Not much happens in January after the Packers blow the play-off...Really. At least there's TV...let's see, what's on? Oh! There's Katie Couric...who's she interviewing...some guy named Tivo...Tebow...no, Te'O...Well, it's Katie, so it's got to be someone important...I'm reading the news scroll underneath and it says she's interviewing him about his imaginary girlfriend on facebook...Wait!...For real??? Is this some kind of joke??? I have 875 friends on facebook and I've only met 50 of them!!! Some of them might not even be real for all I know...Where's my freakin' interview Katie??? Maybe I need to take up a sport...



(This is the MIZ from WWE RAW...I'm told that RAW is a sport...The MIZ is not imaginary either...AND he's hot! This photo was taken one month before I got laid off--not that that matters to anyone other then me)

I was lucky enough to be offered a part time job editing religious programs and believe it or not I really enjoy it...This is what I mean by editing religious broadcasting...Different churches send me their sermons on either CD or cassette (yes, cassette) and the sermon varies in length anywhere from 37 minutes to an hour, and my job is to somehow edit this sermon into a Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday-Friday show...now depending on their opens and closes or if they have any commercials I have to come up with a show that's anywhere in length from 9 minutes, 30 seconds, to 11 minutes...the last kid that did the job wasn't necessarily religious and based his editing on pure math and did the splices anywhere there was an amen or Halleluah...which was great because he was good at math, but I suck at it so I end up actually listening to parts of the sermon and try to edit where he starts a point, and
end his show about right where he or she ends a thought...but it can get tricky as you get towards the end of the week...at the beginning of the sermon you have all the bible versus and the pastors are more peaceful but by the end of the sermon (week)where it's closer to the alter call, that's where it's trickier to get a great show on Thursday and Friday...and although all my preachers vary in sound and message....a few of them sound almost exactly alike when they are caught up in the Holy Spirit, taking on the sound of a Southern preacher, regardless of whether they're white, black, spanish, or a southern preacher...Which caused a minor panic for me this past Friday night when I was listening to my radio station...Now, just because I edit the shows doesn't mean I've ever listened to any of the open or closes for the program...so at 5:30 pm I heard a nice soothing open introducing this particular church anchored in the heart of the city...and then the screaming started..."I'M TAKING THIS CAMP FOR GOD! I'M TAKING BACK THIS CAMP FOR GOD! I AM MARCHING INTO MY ENEMIES CAMP AND I AM TAKING THIS CAMP FOR GOD. I AM TAKING THIS CAMP BACK FOR GOD! I AM.TAKING.THIS.CAMP FOR.GOD..."

It went on like this for the entire sermon. At first I was freaked out thinking I might have inadvertantly, accidently switched a pastor, you do have to be extremely careful when you are putting the shows in the system because several of the names of the pastor's shows sound familiar...for instance, there's Walk in the Word, and Walking in the World, there's Abundant which is a wonderful woman pastor from the North side, and Abundance, which is a Christian financial show by a white guy...but I relaxed when the show went over 9 minutes 30 seconds which meant I hadn't accidently switched the pastor I was worried about...being Friday and all I had merely reached the end of the Sunday sermon in my edits and was at the part of the sermon, right before this pastor's alter call...I had reached the end part of the tape...and started the editing for the Friday show right where the pastor began his point..."I AM TAKING THIS CAMP FOR GOD!"

The truly amazing thing was after the shock and all was how truly hypnotic this pastor became...because for exactly 11 minutes that's all he said was "I'M TAKING THIS CAMP BACK FOR GOD!....when, at the 10:59:56 I heard...a Halleluah!" And I had a good chuckle
over it I truly did...until I went in the house and realized that no one had walked the dogs and I'm tired, and it's cold, no one has made dinner, there's no clean dishes but most importantly at this very minute...Someone has to walk the dogs and unfortunately it looks like it's gonna be me, when suddenly something welled up inside me like a gust of wind through my soul..."I'M TAKING THESE DOGS FOR A WALK FOR GOD! YES, I AM TAKING THESE DOGS A WALK FOR GOD...I AM MARCHING OUT INTO THIS COLD WEATHER, ARMED WITH GOD'S GRACE AND A COUPLE OF POO BAGS, AND I AM WALKING THESE DOGS FOR GOD!!!

Then it dawned on me...Just about anything in life can be accomplished if you just decide you are going to take this camp back for God...I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A BAD NIGHT! I CAN ACHIEVE WHATEVER GOAL MY HEART DESIRES AND TONIGHT I AM GOING TO TURN OFF THIS COMPUTER, AND TURN TOWARDS MY DAUGHTER SITTING TWO FEET AWAY AND TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER!!!

Or maybe I'll just post it on her wall.

Cindy Huber





Friday, January 25, 2013

When 2013 Showed Up Early...

Oh no, he's rounding the corner...Oh wait, correction, he's standing on my doorstep, Mr. 2013, and he's ringing the doorbell...and worse, the damn New Year is holding a scale, HIDE!...Oh Shoot, there goes my husband..."don't answer it!" Too late, he just opened the door.

"What's he want honey?"

"He wants to have a word with the idiot that's planning on jumping in Lake Michigan tomorrow..."

"Um, tell him I'm not home..."

"It's too late, he knows your home..."

"How?"

"He can see your big butt sticking out from under the kitchen table...plus you have your swimming suit laying on the sofa...C'mon, It's not like he's the grim reaper, he just wants to talk to you for a second..."

"OK..." So I head to the door...2013 is easy to recognize, I've always imagined him looking a little like John Travolta...the older John...looking like the guy in the gangster movie dancing with Uma...I don't know why my imagination always defaults to John...I had a picture of him on my fridge for years...it was suppose to embarrass me into abandoning the French onion dip...I would look into John's eyes and will myself to put the chips down...I can't eat that...I've gotta look good for John...There's always a chance I'll run into him for real...or if he does actually turn out to be the grim reaper...Any how John's wearing a heavy winter coat and he looks cold, so I ask him if he wants to step inside for a moment..."Nah," he says, "Kelly's waiting in the car, and I just wanted to drop you off this scale..."

Of course. John's always been a reminder on my fridge not to overeat, and now he's standing at my door with a scale, while his wife waits in the car...You know what, my fantasy's suck!

"You're a little early Mr. 2013..."

"Yeah, I know, but I thought you could use some encouragement, 2012 was rough for you..."

"I'll say...last time I visualize 2012 as Heath Ledger as the joker..."

"Why the hell did you do that?"

"We were watching Batman last New Year's Eve..."

"You're fantasy's suck!"

"Is this the encouragement you were talking about, that and the scale?"

"No, I was just trying to be helpful, obviously your old scale is broken..."

"It's not broken."

"You never use it..."

"I'm planning to this year...losing weight is part of my New Year's resolution..."

"Seriously...you say that with a straight face...this has been your resolution for years..."

"I like being consistant. And this past year I gave up smoking, so cut me some slack..."

"I'm really proud of you, you've made a commitment to living longer..."

"Not actually John, er, I mean Mr. 2013, some people want to live forever...I'm not one of those people. They just didn't go well with my beta blockers..."

"Well still, you did good. You lost your radio job this year, I know that's been real hard..."

"Well actually Mr. New Year, that turned out to be a blessing. I was able to have all this time off to spend with my parents, and I never would've been able to do that if I was still employed. So, getting laid off, turned out to be an unexpected blessing for me. Plus, old radio station offered me a part time job editing and producing religious programming. I'm relearning skills I use to know 7 years ago! So everything that I feared like losing my job, turned out to be better for me in the long run.

"Well good for you! Then honestly, you really don't need my encouragement. And maybe this year, you should drop losing weight from your resolutions...try something like eating healthier...it'll take all the stress off of you..."

"Thanks for the advice John, but I'm waiting for the magic pill, any idea what year that'll be?"

"Can't make out the year, but Britany Spears is using a walker..."

"Oh great...well, go ahead and take the scale with you, I supose if I could give up smoking, I can make an attempt at eating healthier...and Slimfast is on sale this week...So, where you going next?"

"Hilary Clinton...she's in the hospital and needs some encouragement..."

"Send her my love...I think I'll replace dieting with a resolution I can really keep, like praying, and I'll put Hilary on the top of that list, but whatever you do Mr. New Year, hide the scale..."

"Very funny. This coming from someone whose planning on jumping into Lake Michigan tomorrow..."

"So what do you think, should I do it?"

"Of course, otherwise, what else are you going to blog about New Year's Day?"

Cindy Huber


Stuff to Consider Before Jumping in a Lake...

You're probably busy thinking about what type of dinner to serve on the last day of 2012...fools!

Not me, I'm making plans to jump in Lake Michigan on January 1st...so whose the fool now wimps?

Now you might ask yourself, who wants to jump in a freezing cold lake on the first day of a new year? I suppose that's a legitimate question...but then, there are a lot of legitimate questions like, "why stop at Starbucks or McDonalds for coffee, when you can make it at home for much cheaper"...why? For the burn babies! And the simple reason that our coffee maker broke and I've been too busy (lazy) to fight the crowds at the mall for a new one...

There are several reasons why I want to jump in the Lake (again) at noon on New Year's Day...although for the life of me I can only think of three at this moment...the first reason involves bragging rights for my children, my 20-something kids...you know how it is with kids, they're in their 20's, they gather around with their other friends, and talk about how crazy their parents are...at least in this case my jumping in the Lake trumps what all their friends crazy parents are doing..."Oh, you think you're mom's crazy...hey, my mom jumped in Lake Michigan on New Year's Day..."

"Whoa. Dude, that is crazy..." Or dudette, I don't know what the young kids slang is anymore...the last slang I used correctly was "that's the bomb!" For the record, don't say that on a plane.

The second reason involves my husband talking to his parents or friends "wanna know what my crazy wife did today?" Yep, consider that the gift that keeps on giving honey.

But the third reason involved something more complicated for me...the "the symbolic casting off my old life, and embracing what the new year brings...and pneumonia...hey, someone has to keep Tamiflu and Alka Selzer profitable...

I did my first Polar Bear jump on New Year's Day 2004...I got up at 6 am, and made a big thermos of hot chocolate...I kid...I made a big thermos of Malibu Rum, and then I poured a cup of hot chocolate in it...my husband, his buddy and I got to the Lake around 9am so we could park close, and enjoy the festivities. I wore an old sweatsuit, bathing suit, my radio station tee-shirt (always thinking of the promotion angle), and in a strike of brilliance, water shoes...thank God I had them too...because the single worse thing about Lake Michigan was sinking into the muddy cold muck...although the water itself, turned out to be warmer then the air...a nice balmy 35 degrees...which isn't much cooler then what it is out there in the middle of summer, with far less people...because ironically this beach was crowded on January 1st, with thousands of on-lookers, and a few hundred brave souls like me who thought this might be a good idea...which probably had something to do with the amount of alcohol we consumed before we went in...which brings me to the first thing you'll need to do before you jump into a freezing cold lake on the first day of the year.

Be drunk...very, very drunk.

It doesn't matter just how out of your mind drunk you are, because in this case, when you hit the water, you will immediately become sober, very, very sober.

And, secondly, make sure there are no very buxom hot babes in a bikini in front of you as you turn around to haul butt out of the Lake...because if you are one of the unfortunate ones behind this pole dancer, your husband will never remember to take your picture, because guaranteed, the hot babe in front of you will lose her top...and no one will ever know you were really in the Lake, because you won't have a picture to prove it...

"Hey Bob, how many pictures did you take?"

"Of what?"

"Me in Lake Michigan, silly."

"What? Did you already go in?"

"You son of bitch!"

"Why don't you jump in again and I'll take your picture?"

"Why don't you take a picture of this!!!" (I'll leave it to your imagination what I'm talking about.")

That night, on all three Milwaukee news stations managed to get the shot of the buxum babe climbing out of the Lake while blocking out her...um, girls...although I was too cold and tired to care, as I spent the rest of New Year's Day bundled under two blankets nursing my Nyquil and orange juice...

They say you forget how bad child birth really is after you've had your kids for awhile...and I can say it's the same for jumping in Lake Michigan...although it's taken about 8 years to start thinking that this might be a good idea, again. Although this year, I'd be doing this for the grandkids, "hey, wanna know how crazy my grandma is..?"

I'm thinking I'll skinny dip this year so my husband won't miss me getting out the lake, unless of course there's a drunk buxum babe in front of me wearing a bikini...sigh....think anyone will notice?

Cindy Huber

How Much Does It Cost to Save the Dog?





My dog needs a serious bath...and there is no one in the house that is going to do it...except me...Nine years ago we got a bichon-frise for my daughter...bichon-frise is a french term which transulated means "you paid too much for this dog." The dog was from Iowa, and it was over a year old so we got a significant deal on it...the only thing the owner said of any note was "it really likes males..." We should've listened. We brought this dog named "Boz" home, changed his name to Max, and gave him to my daughter. He immediately turned up his little french nose at her and turned his attentions to my husband--who of course, has never cared for dogs--and Max has loved him ever since, which is probably a good thing, because twice my husband has saved his life...

It's a short story actually, Max got real sick, I took him to the vet, and for a while it looked like another Huber pet was on his way to pet heaven...What was the problem? We're still not real sure but it's some kind of parasite whose name I forgot that apparently the dog picked up from some other dog and that's about all I know except...if your dog ever gets real sick and you rush him to the vet and the bill comes to 471 bucks...that's the one!

Max got seriously ill again earlier this year, but this time, there was no extra money to save him...except...well, we had just gotten our tax return...my husband had earmarked it for our bathroom fund (our 1937 enamel tub is leaking and we need a new tub)...It went something like this, the dog got sick on Monday, the tax money showed up on Tuesday...and Tuesday night there was a serious discussion...

Me: The vet says the dog needs 10 teeth pulled, and he has heart problems, but he thinks he can save him for 700 bucks...

Husband: What can he do with 200?

Me: We can get a group cremation and possibly a nice urn...

Husband: What does the urn look like?

The dog got his teeth pulled, we didn't get the new tub, and tonight, because it's been a while since I could afford to take Max to the groomer...when he did his doggie duty he got it stuck all over his furry butt...and there's no one else in the house that's going to do it...when I came back after walking the dog and yelled, "can somebody help me, he's got pooo..." the house went strangely quiet...so it's me and the dog, in the leaky tub, and the dog is squealing and shaking water all over me...and I'm swearing...when suddenly my husband showed up at the door with a glass of wine...

Me: For me?

Husband: No, for the dog...where's your Xanax?

Me: Why, do you think I need it?

Husband: No, everyone in the house that can hear you needs it...

Well, it's an hour later, the dog was wrapped up in a towel, but decided he liked my coat better, dragged it off the couch, and is now rolled up in it...If that makes him feel better that's OK...I'm just gonna smell like wet dog for the next few days...

Cindy Huber

The Incredible True Life Adventure of a Paid Movie Extra...

This is the true story of a now unemployed radio Dj/wannabe actress who got the chance of a lifetime to appear in a real Hollywood movie filmed in Milwaukee;

OK, I'll cut the crap...

I wasn't always a "recently unemployed" radio Dj...Nope, there was that summer of 2003, when the late, great comedian Bernie Mac decided to film a movie about baseball in Milwaukee at Miller Park...I'm sure you've heard of it...Mr. 3000? No? You must not be from Milwaukee then...Obviously his film company was hoping for a repeat of movie magic left over from the 80's when another movie was filmed at Miller Park...another famous baseball movie called Major League starring Charlie Sheen...I'm sure you've heard of it...Yes? OK, then we're now on the same page...

As I mentioned before, this was the summer of 2003, and there wasn't a lot of news going on, or maybe there was but none of the news channels covered it...Nope, it was all about Bernie Mac filming a baseball movie here in Milwaukee and it was covered like the Second Coming......And when the news went out that they were hiring for EXTRA WONDERFUL PAID EXTRA'S...well, here it was, the proverbial brass ring and I was going to reach for it!!! And in June, 2003, it happened...and as another late, great radio announcer, Paul Harvey use to say, "and now for the rest of the story..."

My journey from radio DJ to (no one gives a crap) Paid Extra started with me going to a local hotel that was holding an "open call." I had had professional modeling photos taken of me 3 years before and I now looked nothing like them...it should of been a tip off when they looked at the photos, looked at me, looked back at the photos, and then hired me...it turned out they hired darn near everyone that came through the line that day...But that's OK right? It's a baseball movie...you need a lot of people...Bingo!

I spent the next three weeks at Miller Park working on this movie from 6 at night til 6 the next morning...and I'm embarrassed to tell you that at the very beginning of the shoot I was crazy enough to think I would somehow actually be discovered..."sure I'm a little plump and of well, average looks, but by GOD someone on that set is going to discover I can't act AND they are gonna make me a STAR!!! The only problem is EVERYONE on that set the very first day had EXACTLY the same thought...(and there were 60 of us that day - later the numbers swelled to 800 people)

I consider myself a realist, and by the third day I realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that anyone would ever see me in this movie which freed me to think about much more important things like; "what's for supper"? (which on the movie set was served anytime from 11 pm to 2 in the morning...and usually involved some incarnation of boneless, skinless chicken)

So, as the glamour of being in a movie faded, I sat in Miller Park night after night watching the sun go down, and then coming back up 12 hours later and thinking about how I was never going to be famous and wondering if it was going to be chicken again for supper (it was, night after night after night--meanwhile, you could smell the steaks barbecueing outside for the real actors)...But, more importantly, I ended up making NEW friends who were just like me, real, non-famous people who were never going to become famous in this movie with names like Hollie and Zimdog and that chick from Midwest Airlines who had been laid off...freed from the burden of fame we resorted to playing card games and talking about what we were going to eat for dinner...One hint...tastes like chicken!!!

So, what did we do 12 hours at night sitting in the bleachers at Miller Park...you know, when we weren't eating chicken or talking about eating chicken?

Well, some nights it took the movie crew hours just to set up a shot and it seemed like sometime between 2 am and 3 am they would trot out Bernie and then they would film a scene...other nights they would trot us up and down the seats of Miller Park...shoot a scene...move us to another section of the ballpark...shoot the same scene again at another angle...and then again at...(you get the gist)...and we would cheer (but don't make any noise...(the sound effect guys would add that later)...look to the right...look to the left...jump up and cheer...(please people...NO NOISE!)..."OK, we have the shot"...now back to the subject of food again...The coolest nights were when Paul Sorvino or Chris Noth showed up...then someone would yell "HEY PAUL!" Or "HEY BERNIE!" They'd wave, and then someone from the film crew would call someone from security and the person who yelled would be ejected from the movie...

And that's about it...that's all the dirt and everything...Yeah, being a "paid extra" is one of those things I'll always be glad I did even if it did ruin the glamour of movie making...in fact, for me it ended up ruining movies and TV shows altogether because now I'm so busy looking at the people in the background that I miss what the MAIN actors and actresses are doing...(look at the young guy in the background holding a glass of wine pretending to talk to that middle age woman in the pink dress...I bet he's eating chicken later!)

Cindy Huber