Oh no, he's rounding the corner...Oh wait, correction, he's standing on my doorstep, Mr. 2013, and he's ringing the doorbell...and worse, the damn New Year is holding a scale, HIDE!...Oh Shoot, there goes my husband..."don't answer it!" Too late, he just opened the door.
"What's he want honey?"
"He wants to have a word with the idiot that's planning on jumping in Lake Michigan tomorrow..."
"Um, tell him I'm not home..."
"It's too late, he knows your home..."
"How?"
"He can see your big butt sticking out from under the kitchen table...plus you have your swimming suit laying on the sofa...C'mon, It's not like he's the grim reaper, he just wants to talk to you for a second..."
"OK..." So I head to the door...2013 is easy to recognize, I've always imagined him looking a little like John Travolta...the older John...looking like the guy in the gangster movie dancing with Uma...I don't know why my imagination always defaults to John...I had a picture of him on my fridge for years...it was suppose to embarrass me into abandoning the French onion dip...I would look into John's eyes and will myself to put the chips down...I can't eat that...I've gotta look good for John...There's always a chance I'll run into him for real...or if he does actually turn out to be the grim reaper...Any how John's wearing a heavy winter coat and he looks cold, so I ask him if he wants to step inside for a moment..."Nah," he says, "Kelly's waiting in the car, and I just wanted to drop you off this scale..."
Of course. John's always been a reminder on my fridge not to overeat, and now he's standing at my door with a scale, while his wife waits in the car...You know what, my fantasy's suck!
"You're a little early Mr. 2013..."
"Yeah, I know, but I thought you could use some encouragement, 2012 was rough for you..."
"I'll say...last time I visualize 2012 as Heath Ledger as the joker..."
"Why the hell did you do that?"
"We were watching Batman last New Year's Eve..."
"You're fantasy's suck!"
"Is this the encouragement you were talking about, that and the scale?"
"No, I was just trying to be helpful, obviously your old scale is broken..."
"It's not broken."
"You never use it..."
"I'm planning to this year...losing weight is part of my New Year's resolution..."
"Seriously...you say that with a straight face...this has been your resolution for years..."
"I like being consistant. And this past year I gave up smoking, so cut me some slack..."
"I'm really proud of you, you've made a commitment to living longer..."
"Not actually John, er, I mean Mr. 2013, some people want to live forever...I'm not one of those people. They just didn't go well with my beta blockers..."
"Well still, you did good. You lost your radio job this year, I know that's been real hard..."
"Well actually Mr. New Year, that turned out to be a blessing. I was able to have all this time off to spend with my parents, and I never would've been able to do that if I was still employed. So, getting laid off, turned out to be an unexpected blessing for me. Plus, old radio station offered me a part time job editing and producing religious programming. I'm relearning skills I use to know 7 years ago! So everything that I feared like losing my job, turned out to be better for me in the long run.
"Well good for you! Then honestly, you really don't need my encouragement. And maybe this year, you should drop losing weight from your resolutions...try something like eating healthier...it'll take all the stress off of you..."
"Thanks for the advice John, but I'm waiting for the magic pill, any idea what year that'll be?"
"Can't make out the year, but Britany Spears is using a walker..."
"Oh great...well, go ahead and take the scale with you, I supose if I could give up smoking, I can make an attempt at eating healthier...and Slimfast is on sale this week...So, where you going next?"
"Hilary Clinton...she's in the hospital and needs some encouragement..."
"Send her my love...I think I'll replace dieting with a resolution I can really keep, like praying, and I'll put Hilary on the top of that list, but whatever you do Mr. New Year, hide the scale..."
"Very funny. This coming from someone whose planning on jumping into Lake Michigan tomorrow..."
"So what do you think, should I do it?"
"Of course, otherwise, what else are you going to blog about New Year's Day?"
Cindy Huber
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