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Friday, September 05, 2008

Lose ten pounds in two days! My new diet "secret!"

I once had a friend who lost almost 50 pounds in one year, and when i asked her how in the heck she did it she said one word..."gallbladder"...(or is that two words...I'm not sure because on the surface it looks like two words but when you type it out as gall bladder...see, it looks weird, doesn't it?!)

Now I'm not one to play the blame game but "curse you Wisconsin State Fair" with your half price Cream puffs and your delightful funnel cake stand situated directly across from where i was forced-against my will-to stare at your sign while i attempted to do a live broadcast from the fair...I've had nothing but stomach problems since. I've spent the last 3 weeks being sicker then a dog and like any concerned person, went directly to a informed source to further research my painful problem...that is, i called my mom...(she use to be a nurse and because of that and because of the fact that she is my mom...she officially knows everything...and she did, too!) I told her that lately everytime i eat something i get sick. She carefully considered this statement and then replied, "what are you eating?"...(see?...mom knows how to ask the tough questions!)

And i gotta tell you...i like to eat crap...or more specifically...fried crap...fries and Flintstones vitamins capped with a vanilla coke...(honestly, who needs drugs with you have vanilla coke-and it's still legal...although good luck finding vanilla coke!) And yes, i know i was on a big radio station contest with the awesome folks at LA Weight Loss and honestly, when i followed their plan i lost the weight, and i can just as honestly tell you that fries, and vanilla coke were not on it...or cream puffs...or funnel cakes...or deep fried snickers...i'm telling you i was doing great til the State Fair and then i fell off the eating healthy wagon right into the pits of deep fried heavenly hell!--(with a fringe on top.) Unfortunately willpower is not my God.

It was then i remembered my friend from Green Bay. She lost a lot of weight because of her gallbladder! She didn't get it removed until it became...well, almost a dangerous situation...You've seen that pill that advertises that it will flush out your fat when you take it with meals...sure, the one with all the embarrassing side effects like gas, and painful stomach upset, and exploding diarrhea...well, a gallbladder is like ALL that but without the 50 dollar price tag for 60 caplets...in other words, i'm getting the product for free!

On the plus side, i've just spent the last week cutting down on fried and greasy foods and it was a lot easier then i thought...and what made it so easy was everytime i cheated and ate something that tasted better then heaven, i had to grab a book and head to the bathroom...so now i'm looking at food and thinking to myself, is that delicous Taco John fried potato yummy thingy worth leaning against the toilet for three hours waiting to throw up...?

So after i consulted my mother the nurse, do you think i did the natural follow-up and consulted the doctor-haha...i mean the internet...you betcha! It's amazing what information you can find if you type in gallbladder detox...WOW! (pages and pages of stuff...(and not one piece of internet porn!) Unfortunately every single piece of gallbladder detox starts out the same way..."STOP EATING FRIED FOOD."

So i've found one detox recipe i think will work...or actually because it's about the only one that's easy enough for me to attempt...it involves 1. 8 ounce glass of apple juice, blended with 4-6 cloves of garlic that i have to roast for about 30 minutes...(now, i've never roasted garlic before...do i then put the roasted cloves directly into the juice or do you crunch them or...i always just buy garlic salt so i wanted to check with you first...) ...then i have to add ginger root and after i blend it all...i'm suppose to drink it...um...maybe i should call a doctor...right after i eat this donut one of the kids forgot to hide...