Hi Dad, happy fathers day!

How's that line in the movie "Honey, i Blew up the Kids" Go...? Mommys mean business BUT Daddy's mean FUN!!!

I'd like to thank my dad for all the wonderful memories he gave me...i can remember being in my 20's and sitting on the front porch of my house after i had gotten kicked out of college and moaning to my dad, "i have NO idea what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, and my dad going "me neither...want another beer?" Or the time i was in second grade and i was crying because i had just finished reading a book called "Charlottes Web" and had gotten to the part where the spider dies, and my dad started crying with me and he said "that is the saddest story i have ever heard...want a beer?"

I LOVE YOU DAD!!!!

My friend has a dream...want to help?

I have really awesome friends who dream BIG DREAMS...(not the crappy dreams like i have which include beer and margaritas and running from big scarey monsters--who want my beer and margaritas!)

My friend Jim Muracco emailed me about a friend of his; Dan Fouliard, who is a local film maker who is attempting to document his attempt to get U2 to perform at Miller Park next St. Patty's day in a concert that would raise funds to fight aids and hunger...WOW!...what a dream!!!

Do you feel inspired? Log onto his website; www.Voiceofamillionpetition.com and check out his dream and sign his petition...who knows?...stranger things have happened...

My daughter, the bill collector

When your a kid, it takes forever for summer to get here...when your an adult, you blink and here it is! (summers here?...i still haven't paid off the heating bill) My daughter is at the age now where she wants a job so she can make some money...i tried to help her out by paying her a dollar every time the phone rings and she tells them "mom's not here"--that's worth a dollar don't you think?...i also extended the same offer to my son, that way the phone gets answered and i know which bill collector wants their money and if MADD needs another donation...so far my son has only billed me two bucks BUT this morning my daughter presented me with a bill for SIXTY BUCKS!!!

Oh yeah, she kept records of who called and when and everything, so now i'm gonna have to pay my son a dollar to tell her i'm not home when she tries to collect!

I didn't SUCK!

I don't think...but as far as i could tell, no one yelled "you suck", but then again my hearing isn't the best anyway...

A few weeks ago i invited you to join me for "stand-up comedy" graduation night and i want to thank you...ok...a few of you...for accepting my invitation and hopefully you had a great...ok, good time...i think trying to attempt comedy is like the first huuuuge drop on a roller coaster...you close your eyes and raise your hands in the air and wheeeeeee...i was on Dan Kyle's show the day before and tried out some of my material...the jokes i thought would just kill...kinda landed with a thud on the studio floor and the stuff i thought sucked, well, Dan thought was funny...at the time i thought that Dan just didn't have a sense of humor, but as it turns out, the stuff Dan thought was killer, killed...

Further proof that HUBER has NO HUMOR:

On driving; Not that i suffer from road rage but my daughter once asked me why i'm always flipping people off...i told her it's because i don't have a gun...

on Diets; Willpower is over-rated, if it was so damn important someone would have invented a drug for it...

(ok...maybe you needed a couple of beers before i got started...they don't call it a "two drink minimum for nothing...)

So, you think YOU CAN DO BETTER????
(chances are you can)

Contact the Comedy Cafe to get in touch with Roz Turner to find out more about her comedy classes...email them (Comedy Cafe) or email me and leave a phone number and i'll pass it along to Roz...or visit my friends on open mike night...the awesome Tony Miller hosts OPEN MIKE at the Skylight on Broadway, 150 N. Broadway, Thursday nights at 9pm...or contact Nola J. at the Ardor Pub also on Broadway...i believe Wednesday nights...(i'll double check on that), she and Tony are unbelievably funny and incredibly supportive...c'mon, you know you want to!

Hi there...want to be a comic?

Seriously...ok...perhaps the word serious and comedy don't go together but i grew up during the Steve Martin and Saturday Night Live (original cast) years...and after Watergate we all needed to laugh...thank God we had Bill Cosby and George Carlin and of course the late GREAT Richard Pryer...and a few short years later Eddie Murphy and the awesome late Sam Kinison....

Not for one moment do i think i have even 1 percent of their talent, but i caught the bug emceeing comedy shows at the Oneida Casino up in Green Bay back in the early 90's...and a few short years later when i emceed the comedy shows here at Summerfest-- back when we had a comedy tent...it was there i met the awesome Roz Turner and found out that she has a comedy class...now Roz use to book ALL of the comedians in the Wisconsin area and she has, of course, the most awesome stories (you'll have to ask her about trying to track down the - at that time - the homeless Drew Carey)...

Short story...i took her class...and now it's time for me to graduate...this Wednesday night at the five star Comedy Cafe on 615 E. Brady here in Milwaukee...and YOUR INVITED! The cost is 4 dollars and a two drink minimum and you can watch your "favorite" disc jockey fall flat on her face OR maybe actually get a laugh out of you...i'm not sure which way it's gonna go which is the beauty of this...you see, this is my second time in the saddle...the first time...well, i'm not sure if i should tell you...oh the heck with it...i was the first comic up and the audience was SOBER...and sadly enough, so was i...and so when i got up on that cold cruel heartless stage and began spewing off jokes about my kids, ex-husbands and turtle...(yes, turtle)...i can still remember the look of total disbelief that spread through the audience...(she's just compared her turtle to George Clooney?-AND she's still got 3 minutes?!!!...it was 3 years a go and the thought of how absolutely awful i was still sobers me up...and i've had 6 beers!)...

I DEFY YOU to do better...and of course you could...which is why your invited this Wednesday night at 7:30...you might want to come earlier for best seating and visit Roz Turner's comedy graduation class of May, 2006...i've seen all the acts and believe me...i'm the only one doing the turtle jokes...although i've added cool stuff about snakes and hamsters--ok--i'm kidding...about the hamsters anyway...check it out...and if you want...talk to Roz about taking a class...you get a cool certificate that says your a comic and everyone loves you...ok...again i'm kidding...but you do get a certificate...

Comedy Cafe is right off of North Water and East Brady...see you in class!

Happy Mothers Day Y'all

Ok...so i'm a little late...and if you have kids...EVERYDAY is mothers day...so go ahead, take that nice long walk with your kids...don't worry, those dishes will still be waiting for you when you get back!

My mom was never the "traditional" mom type...back when other mommys stayed home my mom was a hardworking nurse who didn't put up with any bulls*** from her kids...and she was always brutally honest...when i would tell her about one of my many poor decisions always involving a bad choice of boyfriend...my mom was never the "poor darling"...she was more the "i hope you never forget the pain your feeling right now so that you will always be reminded of it the next time your tempted to go out with another loser!" And you know what...it worked!

And yet, this was the same mom who didn't blink when i told her i wanted to go to a strict religious college in the early 80's...she got our next door neighbor to sew up all the slits in my skirts (skirts with slits were fashionable back then...right before the "cut off collars on sweatshirts style which of course you can blame on the movie "FLASHDANCE"!) And three months later when i changed my mind and decided that no...radio was going to be my "calling"...she didn't blink or say the obvious "i hope you don't mind not having enough money to eat"...because she knew how badly i wanted to lose weight anyway...and recently when i told her if this radio thing didn't work out i'd like to be a "stand-up comedian" she remembered that i was the funniest kid in sixth grade!!! (actually, i was the most unpopular kid at Summerdale School in Rockford, Illinois, but i didn't want to contradict her)

Happy moms day mom...i love you!

On Monday, my neighbors dog died

Which just broke my heart...i'm a big dog lover and i absolutely adored her dog Max...which i called Old Man...as in "hey old Man...want a doggie biscuit?"...which of course is one of the reasons he became one of my favorite "people"...a dog biscuit is a small price to pay to have someone really give a "damn" whether your home or not...and trust me...this dog CARED...a lot...which is why, i would find him sitting on my doorstep just about every afternoon around 5pm...just sitting...waiting for me...(although my husband contended that Max was senile and couldn't remember what door he belonged too)...i knew better...and so what if it was for uno "doggie biscuit"...i've had boyfriends that weren't as loyal or FAITHFUL and they got more then a "doggie biscuit"...

My neighbor (who was just devastated) actually had people tell her "it's just a dog...it's not like it's your kid"...and first off...what kind of "knuckle head would say that to ANYONE"...(could they be the same people who, a couple of months ago told a lady who lost her child from the infamous Sizzler salad debacle of a few years back and who herself was dying from cancer that "at least she was joining her kid in heaven...as IF THAT makes it ALL BETTER?! -- it's true...it was mentioned in her obituary!) Morons.
My theory is that anyone who tries to comfort ANYONE with that bullsh#*...has NEVER GRIEVED and has NO BUSINESS opening their mouth...does that make me sound cruel(?)...don't care. See, i can be a moron too!

My whole family is baptist because of ONE animal lover...no lie...my parents never went to church and then one day our dog died...that next Monday a couple of Jehovah Witnesses came to the door and my heartbroken father asked them "do dogs go to heaven" in which they replied (something to the effect of) blah blah spirit no soul blah blah...NO...to which my dad kicked them out of the house with "i'm not going anywhere where dogs aren't allowed"...

THE VERY NEXT WEEK...a baptist Sunday school teacher showed up at the door to which my dad asked the very same question..."do dogs go to heaven" and he said "of course dogs go to heaven, in the bible it says that in heaven the lion will lay down with the lamb (and not get eaten) and what kind of heaven would it be without dogs anyway?"...the VERY NEXT SUNDAY...my dad was in the baptist church...

Personally, i like the send-off my dad gave my aunts goldfish when they were kids...my aunt never cleaned her goldfish bowl and it stunk so bad that my dad decided to help her out by pouring perfume into the bowl...with, as you can imagine, the obvious results...so when my heartbroken aunt confronted my dad...he offered to give her goldfish a proper send off complete with a 21 gun salute (which apparently was legal in those days as it was the 40's and every boy had a bb gun)...so as the goldfish were buried and the time came to give the salute...my dad solemly lifted his bb gun...and pointed it to the spot where the goldfish were buried and shot them...21 times...60 years later my aunt still brings it up and my dad hasn't fired a gun since...

A new DOG DIET? What the...?!

Actually, it's not a diet for your dog...not that my dog couldn't use it...he needs to lose a few pounds cuz he's eating what i'm eating which come to think of it i need to lose...

Which is exactly why i LOVE this new book A DOG DIET...A MEMOIR...here's the deal, you can lose weight by owning a dog...which i can tell you does work...just by buying a dog and paying his first vet bill which turned out to be a couple of hundred dollars...my billfold instantly became several pounds lighter which in turn transulated into exactly 2 ounces on my scale!

Seriously, and by the way i was...it's a really great NEW book written by Patti Lawson which i enjoyed because...well, i love dogs...she writes on how her dog helped her lose weight by annoying her out of bed each morning to walk her...which, believe it or not...excercising in morning burns more stored fat (at least 20 percent worth!) then any other time of the day...unless of course your walking the dog over to Honeydipp donuts...other things her dog taught her about losing weight..."if it's quiet and doesn't smell good...EAT IT"..."if your dog likes your snack...you probably shouldn't eat it"...and most importantly..."the duties of dog care aren't burdens...their calorie consumers!"

THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY DOG...

My neighbors dog is in heat.
The cat's litter box smells.
There are mice in our crawl space.
Einsteins special theory of relativity in which space and time are intimately connected...oh wait...that was the cat!

Cindy in Jamaica...OR...where is all the tequila????

ANSWER: Apparently in Mexico...

I found this out when i ordered a Margarita and they put RUM in it..."don't you have tequila?" i asked and they said yes...and proceeded to pour in the rum...but then i discovered who needs tequila when you can have hummingbirds...or even, beer margaritas...now i know your thinking...this isn't gonna be a whole blog post dedicated to what Huber drank in Jamaica...BETTER...this is a blog post with RECIPES...you can thank me later...

I was lucky enough to be selected as a host to our awesome KTI listeners who won our Jamaica vacation contest and i can honestly tell you...they weren't only winners of our contest...they were winners in my book...what a wonderful group of people...i loved each and every one of you...and shared hangovers with you too!

Before i left, i heard stories about how Jamaicans drive and i can honestly tell you that ALL Jamaicans drive like their from Illinois!!!!! Honestly, they all drive like they're in a hurry to get to eternity, barreling down the wrong side of narrow beat up roads like "NO PROBLEM MON"...the only thing missing was the toll booths!!

Most surprising (to me) about Jamaica is what i had NEVER HEARD OF...the incredible number of KFC's...that's right friend...Kentucky Fried Chickens...the Jamaicans LOVE our KFC's and there were a ton of them spread out from Montego Bay all the way to Negril...our Jamaican driver explained it to us this way, to Jamaican women KFC stands for Keep From Cooking!

The RIU Negril was an incredibly beautiful place that has probably ruined any other destination vacation for me forever...going to "scenic South Dakota" just doesn't have the same sparkle...or BEACHES!

What i found surreal about the whole Negril, Jamaica vacation is just how the Americans are the minority in this resort...it was a slightly bizarre although extremely satisfying experience sitting in a beach chair next to vacationers from all over the world and trying to guess by their accents which was which...and because the RIU Negril is really a family resort...i got a kick out of watching families from other countries (France, Spain, South America, England Germany, and Canada) argue with each other...that's right boys and girls...it's not just the Yanks who don't understand their kids! That said, you can go ALL around the world and still run into people you know...the very first night in the buffet hall my husband (who is a mortician) ran into someone whose family member he buried several months before...we spent the next several days trying to give them their privacy...BUT...we KEPT RUNNING INTO THEM!!!

OH!...and it's not just the Americans who are noticing the "greenhouse effect"...i spent about 30 minutes with a couple from London and the bartender from Jamaica discussing this same topic...the couple from London have noticed that their winters are much milder with spring, summer and fall far less enjoyable as a result...while the Jamaican bartender has complained that the weather has become much less enjoyable in the last few years because of the heat...

Surreal Moment...Up on top of a mountain in the middle of the Jamaican rain forest and far away from the resort...our guides had a small little radio playing a Jamaican radio station with Jamaican tunes when all of a sudden the jock puts on the Pussycat Dolls "Stickwitu"...

and one more thought...our same guides showed us what they called "hanging trees" where Jamaican slaves were hung for whatever their master deemed "misbehaving"...which is why there are no "happy ghosts" in Jamaica...all the spirits are very angry and our guides are afraid of them!


And now for the RECIPES!!!!


Hummingbirds!

1 oz. rum cream, 1 oz. Tia Maria, 1/2 oz. Grenadine, 1 oz. coconut milk, 1/2 banana (whole) and 1 to 2 cups ice-crushed...throw everything in a blender and blend til smooth...go ahead, thank me later!

Beer Margaritas!

6 oz. tequila, 6 oz. beer, 6 oz. frozen limeade concentrate, and ice cubes...put all the ingrediants in the cup first then cap with the beer...Tequila and beer, does it get any better!!!

If Bernie Mac is Mr.3000 just WHERE the H*** AM I?!

One movie i really want to see is the GODFATHER OF GREEN BAY...i don't have to worry about the reviews...my buddy Mark Borchardt is in it and that's good enough for me...i bet you didn't know this but i was once in a movie too...oh yeah...you might have seen it...MR. 3000...it wasn't a real BIG part...in fact...you could refer to me as "EXTRA"...as in EXTRA WONDERFUL PAID EXTRA...that's right...no ordinary extra BUT a PAID...ok ok i'll cut the crap...

I spent about 3 weeks at Miller Park working on this movie from 6 at night til 6 the next morning...i can tell you at the very beginning of the shoot i was crazy enough to think i would actualy somehow be discovered..."sure i'm a little plump and of well, average looks, but by GOD someone on that set is going to discover i can't act AND they are gonna make me a STAR"!!! The only problem is EVERYONE on that set the very first day had EXACTLY the same thought...(and there were 60 of us that day - later the numbers swelled to 800 people)

Then, by about the third day i realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that anyone would ever see me in this movie which freed me to think about much more important things like; "what's for supper"? (which on the movie set was served anytime from 11 pm to 2 in the morning...and usually involved some incarnation of boneless, skinless chicken)

So as i sat in Miller Park night after night watching the sun go down and then coming back up 12 hours later and thinking about how i was never going to be famous and wondering if it was going to be chicken again for supper (it was, night after night after night)...i made NEW friends just like me with names like Hollie and Zimdog and that chick from Midwest Airlines who had been laid off...and better yet...they taught me how to play a mean game of bullsh**!
(yes, there is a card game called bullsh** and it's a fun game and cool people play it...ok?...although if you must know we didn't shout bullsh** when we played it...we would say bullcrap...ok...i'm just kidding...we said bullsh**)

So, what did we do 12 hours at night sitting in the bleachers at Miller Park...you know, when we weren't eating chicken and playing bullsh**?

Well, some nights it took them hours just to set up a shot and it seemed like sometime between 2 am and 3 am they would trot out Bernie and then they would film a scene...other nights they would trot us up and down the seats of Miller Park...shoot a scene...move us to another section of the ballpark...shoot the same scene again at another angle...and then again at...(you get the gist)...and we would cheer (but don't make any noise...(the sound effect guys would add that later)...look to the right...look to the left...jump up and cheer...(please people...NO NOISE!)..."ok...we have the shot"...now back to the card game again...

My being a "paid extra" is one of those things i'll always be glad i did even if it did ruin the glamour of movie making...in fact, for me it ruined movies and tv shows altogether because now i'm busy looking at the people in the background and i miss what the MAIN actors and actresses are dion...(look at the young guy in the background holding a glass of wine pretending to talk to that middle age woman in the pink dress...he's faking it!)

Not that Terri Schiavo case again!

It's like a bad dream...i had truley hoped that after last year i would never have to see or hear another thing about the sadness that was the entire Terri Schiavo story...but i see her husband is in the news again...this time to tell "his side of the story" . Personally, i don't care what he has to say...but i realize that maybe you do...that is why, whichever side you took through that nightmare last year...i think that this is one thing we can all agree on...take a good hard look at your significant other and ask..."is this really the person i want to pull the feeding out of me?"

ps...and if the answer is no...get the heck out of there!

Diets SUCK!

....And this is coming from someone who is "technically" on a diet 365 days a year!

But i'm a firm believer in if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, and then add half a quart of vodka to it!

It's kind of scarey how it "all of a sudden" creeps up on you...one day...your pants don't fit...it's what i call a "JANET JACKSON"...as in "Janet Jackson's SUPER BOWL WARDROBE MALFUNCTION"...

I have a wardrobe malfunction every day...seriously, i do....it really should be called "my clothes are too tight and i need to lose weight," but i abbreviate it by calling it my "wardrobe malfunction"...

My son turned 13 on the day of Janet's wardrobe malfunction...i had just bought him a steak dinner and as we gathered to watch the Super Bowl and Janet Jacksons boob came hurtling out of our 19 inch color tv, his eyes grew big as saucers and he turned to me and said "mom, this is the best birthday ever!"

A dog, a turtle, NO SNAKES!

This is what i can't figure out about Max the dog...how can a animal who sniffs other dogs butts and rips into the garbage on a daily basis manage to spit out his antibiotics...seriously, i've seen this dog cheerfully raid the cat's litter box...but every single night that i get home i wrap his lifesaving pill in a piece of bologna or butter and every single night Max manages to carefully eat around the pill...and spit it out.

I welcome all suggestions except "get rid of the dog"...my old man has already tried that one.

My stepson is not too happy with me..his buddy's snake (boa constricter-thanks for asking) has just had babies (and you can see where this is going can't you?)...is it my imagination or does every teenage boy have a friend who has a snake that just had babies...what are they, the new hamsters?! Of course i said NO...as in NO WAY!

Of course he thinks i'm not fair because - as he's pointed out my daughter has a dog and my son has a turtle but i'm sticking to my guns...you see, if the turtle ever escapes from his cage, he won't eat the dog!

The trouble with blogs...

Hey, i was reading the Milwaukee Journal recently when i saw a story on a couple of people who actually lost their jobs because of their blogs...that's right...they were fired because their boss actually READ their blogs...and one of the ladies had actually been fired two different times over her blog...i know what your thinking...what the H E Double toothpicks...apparently the offending post began "things i heard at the Christmas party last night"...which i can assure you that i would never post anything i heard at the Christmas party but mostly because it would probably involve me anyway like "did you see how much Huber had to drink?"...so, while i suspect no one who works here at WKTI has anything to worry about...i heard the family dog wants to have a few words with me.

Fall, 2004 The Story of Max the dog

It's a short story actually, Max got sick, i took him to the vet, and now Max is doing better...which is kind of a boring story unless you understand that Max was a birthday present for my little girl - the animal lover, (to replace her cat that had just recently passed away) when out of the blue we woke up to a pile of vomit and well...dog feces last week and it looked like another Huber pet was on his way to pet heaven...which is starting to get a little crowded...we weren't even sure if we had enough money to save him but after my daughter started crying "why do all my birthday presents die?"...we managed to scrape up a few bucks for her "save the dog fund" and we saved the dog.

So what was the problem? We're still not real sure but it's some kind of parasite whose name i forget that the dog picked up from somewhere and that's about all i know except...if your dog ever gets real sick and you rush him to the vet and the bill comes to 471 bucks...that's the one!

So far the dog is fine...i'm just glad the turtle hasn't caused us any problems lately...right now he's hibernating...at least i think he's hibernating...uh..."kids, check the turtle."

The ADVENTURES OF F MAN AND D MINUS BOY

I got my kids report cards today. To say i'm pissed is putting it mildly...my stepson informed me that he doesn't have time to study and get good grades because "he's not going to be young forever and he doesn't want to waste his youth." That's right...that's what he said. Since beating the crap out of my kid's isn't an option i have decided instead to think of them as

SUPER ACTION FIGURES! ...and i'm going to call it;

THE ADVENTURES OF F MAN AND D MINUS BOY!

My son's are a couple of action figures who soar through the air trying to fight crime and save the world...BUT, with a unique perspective...for instance... in episode number one the dynamic duo is relaxing at home with a lot of time on their hands (since they're skipping school) when suddenly they hear a victim screaming for help as he slowly sinks in quick sand "Help me help me" he screams..."oh wait, it's you, F man and D minus boy...um, never mind...i'll save myself."

Paging the pet pyschic

My daughter got a dog for her birthday last year...his name is Max and he's a bichon-frise which is french for "you paid too much for this dog." He came with "papers" which he promptly peed on and is reportedly a pisces which, according to the pet horoscope states: "piscean pets are suppose to know if your happy or upset" but as far as i can tell this dog just doesn't seem to give a damn...which is totally upsetting my daughters Virgo cat...which in lay/cat term states: "hardworking and loyal," which, come to think of it, doesn't much describe the cat either.

The night before the big Iowa trip...

I have always envied people who live near their parents...i'd hear them gripe and complain and i'd think..."wouldn't that be cool to live close to your parents so you could see them whenever you want - wouldn't that be a luxury instead of maybe a week out of a year and then again when there's a funeral to attend?" Tomorrow i load up the kids and head out to Iowa...a place where i use to joke "it's not the end of the world but you can see it from there...the big thing in the summer is to sit on my brothers roof and watch the storms roll in...i try to time the vacation so we get at least one tornado warning while we're there...

But lately the trips to Iowa have taken a different tone...my grandma is 98 this year, and my dad is fighting cancer and i find myself holding on to them a little bit longer and begging for stories about when they were younger...you know, the stories they've told a hundred times that i use to be able to say in my sleep...like the one where my aunt met Elvis Presley and was so nervous that when he asked her who her favorite singer was she blirted out "Pat Boone" (totally true)...Elvis thought it was funny BUT for years afterwards when anyone said something STUPID we'd say "Pat Boone."

Every spring my mom and i visit the graves of my great grandparents to lay flowers but the last couple of years she's taken to pointing out the spot where she and dad want to be buried and i find myself being jolted by an incredible burst of pain...like, someday it's going to be my turn to bring my daughter here to lay flowers and honestly, i don't think i'm ready for it, and time which use to move so slowly in Iowa is now suddenly moving too fast for me...but you know what..?
Tomorrow is a time for celebration because i'm going to go home and see my family and even if i win the lottery someday...I will never be as rich as i am now, at this moment.

Cindy learns how to blog!

Later...the same Friday...

Oh man, how exciting...my first blog!

You know, i'm terrible at this...this whole computer age sucks...i still can't figure out how to get rid of ALL my spam! All i did was sign up for a "bible verse a day club"...figured it wouldn't hurt to say a prayer before my show and see what God was up to...next thing i know, i'm getting all this Viagra spam...so i sent these morons a reply...something to the effect of f**k you...and the VERY NEXT DAY i had over 92 pieces of p***s enlargement spam! So i figured, if you can't beat them, join them club...so now i just forward my p***s enlargement and viagra spam to my ex-husband and he forwards his br***t augumentation spam to me!