Always broke on Halloween

What are the odds that I'm always broke around Halloween? Seriously, I'm always broke before Halloween, and with giant bags of candy running about 10 bucks a pack, I hope the trick or treaters don't mind the I.O.U's I'm going to be stuffing in their bags...(or little baggies of the left-over chuck roast I made last night)...Seriously, I make great crockpot chuck roast!!! At least their mom's would have something to eat while the little demons make their rounds.

This is an actual tree in our neighborhood, pretty cool, hey? Obviously, I took this picture a couple of Halloween's ago when it was mild during October...


But a scary tree photo is a cool picture in my book. And the tree is still there, except with no leaves...nope, all the leaves were blown by (what's left of Hurricane Sandy) into my front yard where I'm going to have to rake them, sometime this weekend...unless I luck out, and they blow into my neighbor's yard. If that happens, I'm going to rush out and buy a Powerball ticket--because that will be my lucky day! (Right up there with seeing Bigfoot, and losing 10 pounds...ain't gonna happen but it would be great if it did!)

But at least a couple of my grandkids still trick or treat and Halloween is soooo close I can almost taste the trick or treat candy...that I intend to steal from my kids bags when they're not looking!

(PS...My Crockpot Chuck...The chuck roast can come from anywhere although I buy mine from the Hyvee in Iowa when I'm there visiting my mom...but I use Rupena's seasoning, which is from an old meat market in West Allis, Wisconsin, AWESOME steak seasoning...OR...simply, salt, pepper, and Mrs. Grass soup seasoning...Mrs. Grass rocks and you can find her anywhere except Aldi's...I use ORGANIC carrots or I refuse to use carrots...WHY you ask? Long story, how long to you have? I'll shorten it to say I started using organic carrots after my dad's second cancer, and I found out that carrots are used to grab the impurities from the soul and blah, blah, blah...if you want the longer version give me a call...otherwise, the potatoes, they can come from anywhere...)

UPDATE: Dancing All the way to the Unemployment Office

Thirty years ago I won a disco dance contest, which totally screwed up my life, because I mistakenly thought...I could dance.

At the time, I really thought I was awesome...but what my mind has chosen to forget over the years, is that it was college, the judges were probably very drunk, and I was only one of two people who entered and I was the female...jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, if you get my drift...and oh(!) it was an awesome prize all right! It was a Journey ALBUM...the one with Wheel in the Sky on it...

I don't need to tell you that winning a disco contest can really screw with your mind at dances, especially wedding dances, because over the years I would be the only one out on the dance floor who was sober! Why? Because I'm a serious dancer darn it!!! See above, I won a Journey album!

Six years ago when I was working at an adult contemporary radio station (What's an adult contemporary?...Think music by Michael Buble, Green Day, a couple of Christina Aguilera tunes and maybe a Carrie Underwood tune--at least one tune anyway--this was long before Katy Perry) I was asked by a cancer charity to dance in one of their "Dancing with the Stars" charity dance contest, and as you might imagine I was flattered and all over that...for about 45 minutes...that was the amount of time my first free lesson with my volunteer dance instructor lasted...(My (poor) professional dance instructor--who for whatever past life karma reasons had been saddled with Milwaukee's equivalent of a Jerry Springer...remember his performance on Dancing with the Stars...Jerry's final dance was compared to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre...and not in a good way. Jerry was a terrible dancer, but was kept in the competition by his legion of (what I can only imagine was sadistic) fans, until he BEGGED them to quit voting for him! My dance instructor spent a huge amount of my lessons telling me he had a bad back and would appreciate it if I just concentrated on a move called "the triple step.") I had a lot of problems with this very basic East Coast Swing move, until my daughter later pointed out to me that "triple," really means "three."

On the night of our big charity dance competition I won the trophy for 6th place, which would've seemed awesome if there had been 7 people in the dance contest...I even got beat by the owner of Klements Sausages who was over 70 years old at the time, and who danced around in a circle with an umbrella! So, as you can imagine, it just destroyed about any credibility I thought I might've had on the dance floor...all those years of wedding dances...all those wedding guests who over the years would tell me "you were really shaking it out there on the dance floor..." Those weren't compliments!!!

So this past summer I was asked by a charity (MargaretAnn's--provides hope and healing to grieving children here in Southwest Wisconsin. They provide free grief support to kids who have suffered the tramatic death of a loved one) to be in their Dancing with "our" Stars Gala at a local Casino. And I decided to do that for two reasons, first, I wanted to help grieving children, and second, because darn-it(!), I had something to prove.

This time I was so serious about dancing that I even went out and bought a DVD of Flashdance and Shall We Dance, (you know, the movie with Jennifer Lopez and Richard Gere...geez it sucked...)

But, I got a great deal--2 for 12 bucks from Amazon and a tub of popcorn, and that is what I did for an entire weekend...I sat in front of the tube watching Jennifer Beals taking it off for the umpteenth time while enjoying a tub of popcorn...I drew one very big conclusion from Jennifer's movie...in no way would stripping anything off, help me win this dance contest.

My new dance instructor was at least 20 years younger then my first dance teacher, and this would've been great except I was now 6 years older then the last time I danced, and at least 30 pounds heavier, so this proved to be a potential liability (think HEADLINE...Out of shape classic country music jock suffers heart attack while practicing the East coast swing..) That's right, the EAST COAST SWING! Why? Because I'm a pack rat. I never throw anything out. And I still had the very expensive East Coast Swing dancing shoes from the last charity dance I did 6 years previous. (Each dance has it's own specific pair of shoes--and you thought you weren't going to learn anything from this blog!) So it didn't matter if I sucked at the East Coast Swing. I have the shoes. They're paid for. I'm doing that dance!

And then a couple of weeks before the charity dance, a lightning bolt out of the blue...I was laid-off...the corporation that owned my radio station decided to flip my station from classic country to electronic dance...(It's a format called "Energy." What is Energy? It's the same damn tune played over and over again by different artists...or at least it sounds like that to me).

I could've quit right there, probably should of...but I'm no quitter! I had a charity to support, I just had 5 previous weeks of dance lessons, AND, I owned East Coast Swing DANCING SHOES! Plus, I figured if something happened, there would be a headline; UNEMPLOYED classic radio jock suffers heart attack during charity dance contest...(notice, they replaced out of shape jock with unemployed!) See? I'm no dummy!

So I did the dance. And you know what? I did much better then six years ago...I got FIFTH PLACE! Seriously. And I raised money for a charity that means a whole lot to me, and really, that was the most important thing anyway. So this Monday, if you're at the unemployment office in Milwaukee, and you're looking around wondering what I look like, well, I'm the one wearing the gold dancing shoes, carrying a 5th place trophy...

I'm sorry, what did you just ask...how many dancers were in this one? Shut-up! ; )

Why Thursday is the BEST day of the week...

You know why Thursday is the BEST day of the week?

With Thursday's, you still have the promise of a weekend, it's kind of like the day before Christmas eve; On Christmas eve, you have the "oh crap, I still haven't done all my shopping and the store is closing, and I'm so screwed..."

Christmas Day it's over, done, nothing more to look forward too...and half the stations stop playing the Christmas music by 6pm...

But on the day BEFORE Christmas eve, you're still enjoying the Christmas tunes, you still have one more day to go so it's not crunch time yet...that's what Thursday's are to me.

Love, Loss, One Turtle, and Pajama Jeans 2012

I can tell you exactly what the weather was like two years ago today...it was a perfect 70 degree fall day...couldn't have been any prettier with the leaves changing and a warm breeze...

My friend died two years ago today of complications from leukemia...and she'd kick my butt if I sat here and wrote a sad tribute to her here...and besides that, there is no way I could top what her family wrote about her;

Susan (Spring) Cotch, 49, of Aurora, died October 5, 2010 at Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge, Ill., of complications from leukemia. It was during her childhood, when her Grandma Rose gave her her first cooking lesson, that she developed her lifelong love affair with food and its preparation. For Sue, life was to be savored and enjoyed. She found fun in everything and was part of a large group of friends and family that felt the same. Cooking was her passion and she was legendary for her entertaining skills, from the special dishes she created to the one-of-a-kind extras that made each dinner an event, and not just a meal. She also loved camping, traveling and exploring the world. For Sue, there was no finer reading material than a new cookbook. Her life-long love of French cooking and Paris fueled her own misguided fantasy that she herself was, indeed, French.

Seriously, is that the most awesome tribute ever? When I die, I want Sue's family to write my obituary...because if they don't, it may look something like this;

Cindy Huber passed away on ----, although it was hard to tell as she still continued to show up to work each day...although she was a little later then usual...Cindy loved HGTV, in particular House Hunters and, on occasion, House Hunter International, particularly in the winter when there was little else to do, and she especially hated walking the dogs in the cold air as she had to bundle them up in their little doggie outfits and they would skirm and fight her and it just sucked really. It got even worse for her once she gave up smoking, as then there really was nothing to look forward to when she walked the dogs, as she was now truly, just the person holding the poop bag, behind the dogs. Cindy also hated it when they moved the television show Survivor to Wednesday as it really screwed up the week for her and she kept forgetting it was on. Cindy really loved her DVR as she could finally tape Survivor, although she would often forget to watch it. Cindy had very few regrets but if pressed would admit that she wished she would've checked to see how long box turtles lived before she agreed to let her son have one, as she spent nearly half her life cleaning out the turtle cage. She also wished she had bought a pair of "pajama jeans" as it sounded like a really cool idea and she loved wearing pajamas, especially flannel ones that had pictures of polar bears. To Cindy, there was no diet plan that she wouldn't try, at least once, and amazingly not one of those diets ever included the words "eat less, excercise more," but more then likely included a Snickers bar and a Diet Coke. Cindy loved Jesus, her husband, her children, her grandkids, her parents, her brothers, her brother's wives and her nieces and nephews...she cherished her friends, enjoyed weather shows about tornadoes, and 3 pm naps on the couch. She joins her grandparents, her treasured friends, and quite a few dogs and cats, and hamsters. The box turtle outlived her.

I'm no longer horrified by all the mass shootings...

As I was leaving to go to work this morning my daughter informed me that there was another mass shooting, this time in front of the Empire State Building...and I heard myself say "so how many shot this time?" It's like I can't even muster amazement or horror, it's just, "how many this time?"

It was 3 weeks ago and 10 minutes from my home, that a deranged neo-nazi decided to stroll into a Sikh temple on a warm Sunday morning and shoot everyone he could...It was a gorgeous August day outside, clear blue sky, no clouds and yet I spent the entire Sunday afternoon inside, glued to the television set...just a couple of weeks before that it was the mass shooting at the Colorado movie theatre...The night before, my son informed me he had tickets to a midnight showing of the new Batman movie and I was uneasy, he told me to "stop worrying, what could possibly happen at a movie theatre?"

I'm sure that for the next couple of weeks we'll be subjected to all sorts of stories about the shooter, like what kind of student was he in grade school, were his parents nice neighbors, did he have a hamster, or "what possibly could've convinced this loser that this was a good idea???" Not that it matters, the damage is done...but for the next couple of weeks it's going to be the life history of this loser...til the next loser...

And maybe that's the problem...you want to be famous but you don't want to do the work that goes with earning fame, but if you have a vendetta...fame is cheap and easy, and every news channel in the country will beat down your door, or your neighbors door fighting other news channels to obtain and reveal your life story...until the next loser comes along, and your story is filed away in the loser trivia section of mass shooters...mentioned occasionally until the various lawsuits are dried up and the only two people who will really care about you are your mother and satan...

And how quickly the rest of us forget the shooters, do you even remember the big shooter story from six years ago? It was October of 2006 and the shooter was the local Pennsylvania milkman who shot 10 little Amish girls killing 5 of them...Remember what happened next? The families of the children killed promptly forgave him and offered their support to his widow and children...

Wow!

What's wilder...that their forgiveness made major headlines...shows you how rare something like that is...And I'm a little ashamed too...not at the fact that they can forgive and I, probably not as much...but the fact that I always sort of, well, while I didn't think I was better then the Amish, but I certainly didn't understand how they could stubbornly cling to the 1800's while the rest of us went wizzing by them in 2006...

My son and I were driving towards Iowa one freezing January Sunday morning earlier that year on Highway 18 when we passed several of the Wisconsin Amish on their way towards church...I had the heat blaring and the radio on and they were huddled together in open air wagons with blankets...my son had never seen Amish before and simply couldn't believe that they didn't have cars, and television and PS 2's..."they don't want to live in our world" I told him then...and today, who can blame them? But the fact that they could forgive and continue to love after all that has happened to them...well, I'm not even in their league.


Cindy Huber

Just because...my thoughts from this year's State Fair

So, I talked to my doctor last Friday, and he said my triglycerides were way too high, my glucose was way too high, and my cholesterol, (yep, you guessed it), way too high, and that I need to go on a diet immediately to which I replied "Doctor, I've been dieting for over 20 years, and it hasn't worked yet!"

This is my former boss, Stan Atkinson who I still absolutely adore even if he did LAY ME OFF!!! The only problem I can ever remember with him, is he always talked about how much he hated cream puffs...yet, he always got to do the cream puff eating contest at the fair! (I've been saving this picture for over 3 years...)

This is my crush from last year's State Fair, chocolate covered bacon...This year I moved on...to pork chops on a stick!!! (oooohhhh yeah baby!!!) I never did locate the "Fat Elvis..." Deep fried Reeses Peanut butter cup in banana batter wrapped in bacon...I also did not locate the deep fried stove top dressing dipped in gravy...I think my guardian angels deliberately blocked my way...I did make it as far as Apollo gyros...they're a great gyro place that ONLY do the fair for 11 days, they've been in the same location for over 25 years...But I was a little disappointed because they didn't have the karaoke machine set up this year...I suppose that was everyone else's guardian angels protecting their ears...Hey, I only do one song anyway...Jose Cuervo...Just my way of keeping it country at the fair! ; )

These are my girls...CV, Julie and myself from a few fairs ago...
I haven't seen CV in ages, but she's a fellow Iowan so I consider her a sister...Julie is my "sister from another mother..." Julie is the reason I'm in another dance contest this year (MargaretAnn's Place Hosting Milwaukee's Dancing with Our Stars Gala--September 15 at Potawatomi Bingo Casino)...The last one we were in I got 6th place...Thank God there were only 6 contestants! My odds are much better this year...there's only 5 contestants...


This is why I LOVE the fair!!! I get to meet YOU!!! This is a very cherished photo from a fan of mine and I can't believe anyone wanted to come out and say "HI" to me...I consider myself very blessed, and grateful...Thank you!

The F Word

I was a senior in high school the first time I heard someone say the "F" word...I swung around and glared at the female...FEMALE...AND she was only a SOPHOMORE!!! "How crude," I thought to myself. Yeah, that was as close as I got to any swearing...In fact, it may amaze you to know that my mouth wasn't even PG rated in those days...which is unbelievable when you consider I spent my teenage years just outside of Chicago, Illinois...Nope, it was gosh golly, or on the rare occasion gol' darn, as taking the Lord's name in vain swearing was strictly prohibited in the bible, and I was a Baptist babe...my using the word "dammit" was still a couple of years away...that didn't start until I started working as a nurse aide at nursing homes, and I blame the nurses for that...; )

When you start to use the word dammit, it becomes a slippery slope, because once you start with that word it's a short jump to gol' dammit...and then one day you slip up and use the Lord's name, and when you're not immediately struck down by lightning...the F word is just one bad moment away, or the first time you accidently spill a full bed pan all over your feet...

The F word...the queen mother of all curse words...wasn't that the line in the movie the Christmas Story? The kid sits in the bathroom with a bar of soap in his mouth...when my Aunt Loretta was a little girl she actually discovered she liked the taste of one of the soaps...a fact my grandmother discovered when she found huge chunks of soap missing one week, and had to change brands...

I spent almost a whole winter standing in a corner during my Kindergarten year for using the "H--E--double toothpicks" word...a couple of little boys would knock the head of my snowman off, I'd tell them to go to hell, they'd tell the teacher, and I would spend the rest of recess indoors, in a corner...I missed weeks of recess that way...(I seriously could've used global warming back then)...but eventually my 5 year old brain wised up and I stopped making snowmen, and spent the rest of Kindergarten slamming the little brats with snow balls...which apparently was OK...

After a while I didn't notice how often I swore...I can remember dating a guy when I was in my 20's who wanted to bring me to a picnic with his family, but when he asked me if it was OK if I wouldn't swear around them I was furious..."forget it," I told him...Can you believe it? I turned down a free meal!!!

But years later I'm dating the man who became my second husband (poor guy), and I'm sitting in the car with him and my little daughter (who was around 7 or 8 at that time), when all of a sudden she spills something and starts cursing like a little sailor, which is not as cute as it's depicted in the movies...I chewed her out and she left the car in tears...I turn to my date and tell him "where the hell does she get that?"

Bob: "Where do you think she gets it...she mimics the person she lives with, the person she admires..."

Me: "Wait...are you trying to tell me that I swear?"

Bob" "You swear a lot..."

So I started working on my language...which turned out to be a whole lot easier then quitting smoking...with swearing, I went cold turkey...and the weird thing is, when you give up swearing...you start to notice people who swear..."how crude," you think to yourself...but just recently...one swear word has attempted to creep back in my vocabulary, and yes, it's the queen mother...

The problem with the F word is that it's effective...it leaves the recipient with no doubt about where you stand on the subject, it can't be misconstrued, and it's never misunderstood...I think that's the main reason the "F" word is still the Queen...where other words like damn has lost it's power to offend, and bitch, well, that word has just become so...almost friendly...the "F" word still retains all of it's original power...

But it's still not as offensive to me as that other "F" word...fat.

Here comes the reason for my next diet...

State Fair...Cream puffs...and bacon anything...

Summer in Milwaukee can be summed up in 3 words...Summerfest, State Fair...and Summerfest already seems like such a long time ago...

I'm posting this picture of my former co-worker Gene Mueller, just to prove to my son that I actually have met him, worked with him, and hopefully this will even give me some street cred to him...make me appear more "in touch" and maybe even...hip? (Is that even a word anymore?)..."hip" use to mean cool...but at my age--one wrong step off my couch--it could actually mean my hip...and several thousand bucks in doctor fees....

This picture was taken last year at the Wisconsin State Fair and I deliberately made the photo small, not because Gene isn't as cute as heck...he is...but, because I don't want to see a photo of my face any bigger then it needs to be...In fact, last year, I chose not to put this photo on my facebook even though I wanted my son to see it, just because I hated how I looked...But isn't life weird?...I've had so many awful pictures taken of me in the past year that THAT photo of me no longer looks as horrible to me as it did last year...that, or my eyesight is failing...

Today is 2 days before the start of another State Fair, and 13 days before the start of my next new diet plan...

...Yeah, it's too late to even try to lose weight for this year...but thanks to last year's photos, I know what shirts to avoid wearing...this is one of them...the other is an Hawaiian shirt that I bought several years ago in Naples, Florida, that I absolutely loved wearing until I saw a picture of me at the fair wearing it...what are the odds that I'll see some poor schmuck wearing my ridiculously comfortable but unflattering Hawaiian shirt while chomping on a cream puff, totally unaware that any picture taken of him, or her at the fair, will be the reason that my once treasured Hawaiian shirt, will once again turn up in the "sale" rack at the Salvation Army?

Scenes from a Wedding....

So I went to this wedding over the weekend...

A certain member of my family, who will remain nameless mainly because I LOVE her very much, and also because I'm already in trouble...Well, this person decided to get married over the weekend to a man who has a family who has never been housebroken...I guess that's the nicest way to put it...Not all of his family...just his mom Boozy, her sister Floozy, her other sister, Loser, and the other cousin, Maggot Breath...OH! And Maggot's idiot girlfriend...


Now, I have been shielded from this idiot family for years by my sainted husband whose name I refuse to mention although it wouldn't matter since he never reads my blog...But this weekend our families came together in only a way that could have included 3 cops, 2 forest rangers, and the proverbial cherry on top...a$$ whupping...And it all started when I, (yes me...I had finally had had enough at the reception and politely asked Maggot's girlfriend to leave, in a real quiet, hushed, polite sort of way...in front of the entire wedding bridal party while one of the groomsmen was making a speech...)

Her name, I later found out (when I filled out the police report) was Cirrhosis Liver...Now, what finally yanked my admittedly short chain was her throwing a beach ball at one of the speakers...and heck yeah, his speech had gone on a little bit too long, and it was dry, but that could've been because it was a "dry wedding"...NO BOOZE ALLOWED... Not that it mattered to Maggot, Cirrhosis and a few other members of this family, they got around the "dry wedding" part by coming to the wedding drunk, and astonishing to me--although I admired their dedication to the non-sobriety cause--stayed consistently drunk for four hours...that's right...they were solidly drunk for four hours...Not once did any of them appear to sober up in even the tiniest degree...(I, I am but an amateur to these people, I can do about a half hour of slurred speech, followed by about 20 minutes of banging into chairs and once, I was so drunk, I was actually able to strap on a pair of six inch heels--crazy, I know!--and walk around for a brief minute and a half before I realized..."I'm WEARING SIX INCH HEELS"...and ended up before the porcelain throne. In fact, most of my experiences with alcohol ends up in front of the throne, which is why, even today, if I even think there's a chance of booze, I clean the toilet before hand, just in case, that's what wisdom does for you)

Any way, where the heck was I...Oh yes, at a wedding...we have a groomsman and a speech that's about 5 minutes to long and still going strong, and a party guest named Cirrhosis, with her back to the speeches dumping her food (that I helped pay for) all over herself, the floor, and talking...I mean, slurring loudly, when she got the bright idea of flinging a beach ball at the kid giving the speech...OK, OK, here's where I come in...I didn't have a part in the wedding, and that's probably a good thing because in any wedding I was a bridesmaid, they eventually broke up, Why? Let's just say I'm like a broken mirror and 7 years bad luck and blah, blah, blah, where am I? Oh yeah...

At this particular wedding, my part, was to shut the heck up, and stay out of the way of everyone, and to have a good time...which I did before the beach ball, and I simply got up, put my face a few inches from Cirrhosis, and told her, politely to get out...now...Although honestly, it was more like GET OUT NOW...OK, OK, it was more like, "HEY YOU STUPID DRUNK, I PAID FOR ALL THAT COLESLAW YOU JUST DUMPED ALL OVER THE FLOOR THAT I'M GOING TO PROBABLY HAVE TO CLEAN UP (and I eventually did, because it was a rented hall) AND YOU CAN JUST STRUT YOUR DRUNKEN BUTT (a$$) OUT OF HERE...

But please, before you leave, take one of these ceremonial keychains with you so you will always be reminded of the great time you had at this wedding...Or maybe I didn't add that last part, but I might've as that sounds like something I would say...

Well, members of that family followed her out, there was a punch thrown, another, a pile up, it was almost like being at a Brewers game when they clear the clubhouse...exciting stuff and well, someone finally called the cops and the rangers, (we were at a state park) and we had to explain how a wedding that didn't include ALCOHOL turned into a good old fashion wedding brawl...

Here comes the best part...yeah, best part, I was saving the best part for last...Some of the new husbands kinfolk are screaming obscenities at me....ME...because I threw Cirrhosis out...to which I (believe it or not) smiled and installed my own brand of blessings on their untrained a$$es..."F you, and F you, and oh yes, F you too...by the way, did I tell you how this whole wedding started...the mom of new husband held up the wedding by showing up AN HOUR LATE to show off her displeasure at her son finally growing a testicle and getting married to the bride. And yet, I'm the bad guy...as her family streamed down the hill to their cars BEFORE the cops were called...they called me names...I just lost 10 pounds but these people were calling me fat...no, not "phat" but FAT...and I, the good Christian who loves Jesus, and I do, I honestly do, I F-them, each and everyone of them with a big ass smile on my face...you would've been right to think me drunk, but believe it or not, I was stone cold sober, although I was probably hyped up on Cherry Coke and a tad of coleslaw...BUT, the part I was saving, and this is the best part...THE CAKE hadn't been cut yet...that's the part that is truly gratifying to me...some members of his family didn't. get. ANY. CAKE...bitches...

And if they thought I was fat before the cake...

Well anyway,

How was your weekend?

Life is getting weird

So this morning I'm updating my radio station's facebook page..."Breaking NEWS...it's HOT out...adjust your life style..." when what pops up in the bottom left hand corner of my screen...my firstborn has updated his "LIFESTYLE" status!!! First off, I'm shocked...my son has a lifestyle? How can that be? When I left for work this morning he was still in bed...And now he's in a relationship? (Time to hit the pause button, oh wait, there is no pause button, unless my husband paid the cable bill for this month.) But half the time I hit the pause it doesn't work...probably because someone borrowed the batteries...and in my house with three kids still living there, there are too many suspects, and each and everyone of them will have an airtight alibi. My son has an "updated lifestyle status..." And there's nothing I can say about it, because if I do, he will exercise the only option he has while still living at home while attending college. He will unfriend me. And I suspect the only reason I actually saw his status update is because he forgot I'm still one of his friends. I forced him to friend me after he unfriended me the last time for hitting "like" one too many times on one of his many "Brewer's rule" status...can't remember which one...One, to my son, is sometimes too much.

Son..."Ultimate frisbee was great!" Mom...LIKE. Son..."I warned you..."

Leaving me unfriended, and out of the loop in his life...shoot, even my brother who I rarely communicate with has been able to maintain his friend status...and he hits the "like" button way more then I do!!! Life isn't fair sometimes...I suppose I could just ask my son "how's it going.."

Son..."Why are you asking me that? What do you want to know?" Mom..."Nothing, just wondering how you're doing..." Son..."You're always asking me how I'm doing...I'm fine...stop worrying about me...cut the umbilical cord mom...I'm a grown up..." Mom..."You sleep in my basement..." Son..."Most kids under 30 sleep on in the basement thanks to today's economy and dismal job opportunity...and we don't have a basement!!! I sleep on the couch." Mom..."And I'm grateful for that son, otherwise I'd never see you!"

Thank God for facebook. Now here's hoping my son doesn't read this blog!

This year, so far...filtered.

2012 was going to be the year of the "no spilled coffee in the car." Now unfortunately, I'll have to wait until next year. (I should know better then to take the lid of my Starbucks, but darn it, there's a reason I order EXTRA WHIP!)

The year started off easy enough, I was blessed to see my parents at Christmas, I treasure every moment with them...and got to thinking how things change over the years...I put Skype on my parents computer last year...the hard sell is trying to get my mom and dad to use it...honestly, I have to beg them just to open the laptop...
Me: Just OPEN the computer...just DO IT! It's already on...just click the button that says answer with video...that's ALL YOU HAVE TO DO...just do it...

My DAD: Skype is spooky.

But get this...My mom use to talk my ear off for an hour, the phone would ring and I'd think "oh boy, I'm gonna be on this phone forever"...and my mom's favorite subject this time of the year is when the sun sets...this particular conversation starts about December 20th, the day before the shortest daylight of the year, where mom notes that after the 21st...daylight will start to swing the other way and every night the conversation would start out, today the sun set at 4:22p but tomorrow it'll set at 4:20p so we're going to gain another 2 minutes...but I've also noticed in the last couple of months as my mom struggles with breathing that it's changed...after 10 minutes my mom wants off the phone, and I'm egging her on, "so what time does the sun set this afternoon?"

It's crazy how you can leave the house and everything is OK, everything fine, and then you peek at your facebook at work only to see that your daughter put this post on your wall:

Hey Mom,
Dog is sick and had a few problems with bathroom troubles as well as vomiting. Just want you to beware. Not sure if I should give him anything or what.

Well, the good news is that we had just got our tax return. The bad news, husband wanted to spend it on a new bath tub, and I wanted to spend it on our sick dog. The sick dog won...and 600 dollars and 10 pulled teeth later, the dog is in excellent condition and as long as I can get him to take his blood pressure medication (which is easy if you have peanut butter), life should be a breeze...until the next hiccup...


It's been a weird weather year...50's in February??? 80's in March...(is it going to snow July 4---who knows?) Don't know exactly what mother nature is planning for us...so I go to work totally prepared...I wear my boots for snow, bring my umbrella for rain, and my bat...just in case a random game of softball breaks out.

Back to my parents, this past weekend I was in the emergency room Saturday night with my dad when the nurse asked my dad "so how many cigarettes do you smoke?" My dad says "1-3' and the nurse goes "cigarettes?" To which my dad replies "packs...1-3 packs" (a day)...the nurse gasps to which my dad goes..."but it's OK, their filtered..."

My personal snap thoughts of 2011

There are four months I literally live for...May, June, July and August...the rest are just filler months...kind of like eating a lettuce before your big steak dinner...yes, salad is nice, but it's really just there to give the chef a chance to grill the steak--which in my case--is seriously just a couple of minutes. Now, back to my true love...my "next year's garden..." Named "next year garden" because maybe next year...I'll get it right...however, this year...

I ignored my garden for one week, and the mint plants took over! Who wants mojitos?

This was a really challenging year as far as gardens went...hot, cold, rainy, dry, early frost, it seemed like I was forever heading outdoors to lay blankets on my plants, but since I only had so many blankets...I started to feel a little like "Sophie's Choice..." which plants do I save and which do I let freeze?

I have an 86 year old neighbor I adore; one Sunday morning in August as she was walking her dog (and I was attempting to make sense of my yard) she shared that her nieces accused her of criticizing their yard to which she replied "you know I wouldn't do that unless I was asked for my opinion...for instance, you (me) need to weed your garden, but I would never tell you unless you asked." (My neighbor Violet is 86, and she can say whatever she wants to me...but that was so damn funny I had to share that with you!!!)



A few year's ago I had a cable show with a friend of mine called Rockin' The Cable Show on West Allis Cable channel 14...this year it was renamed Brew City Bands and it's a show that honors the hardworking Milwaukee area bands that maybe, you don't really hear too much about but their out there busting their behinds bringing you great music, and they deserve to be recognized. This is the Tony Memmel band with Tony's beautiful wife Lesleigh, Tony, myself, and Brian Favour. I was also blessed to have my beautiful friend (since 1988!!!) and incredibly talented singer Ronnie Nyles with Tallulah Who, Brian Smith and his (Johnny Cash) tribute band God's Outlaw, Craig Omick who just blew the roof off of our 72nd and Greenfield studio in West Allis with GROOVE NATION; The pride of William's Bay, Wisconsin, and international singer who now lives in Chicago, Martha Berner...and the band Genuine Drive who just blew me away this summer at the Wisconsin State Fair, they're just incredible so I begged and stalked them and finally got them on the show. Paul Kuhn was another delight, and he has a song that should be Milwaukee's official theme--Springtime in Milwaukee;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKWLX-H6_Qc
...Brew City Bands is aired every Thursday at 5p and then again at 9p, and then again Friday morning at 3am and 2p. Starting next week (after January 1st) you'll be able to get the show in New Berlin.


This was a picture my friend Brian McNary posted on his facebook page a couple of months before he passed away from pancreatic cancer on May 21, 2011. He was a friend I had known since high school, and one who, thanks to facebook, got back in touch with me a year before he passed, and for that I'm grateful. When I was laid off over a year ago, he sent me funny jokes, and could always put a smile on my face. What a blessing, and what a loss his death was, to his friends, family, and kitty.

A dear friend of mine from Green Bay, Hal Greene fought two different cancers and passed away July 26, 2011. The problem with following your dreams in radio is in order to stay employed you have to move far away from family with no one to help you when you work overnight shifts and have young children. Hal and his angel wife Lori, stepped in and were family to us--there is no way I would've survived Green Bay with children without them. And I'm glad Hal lived long enough to see his garden again...like me, he lived for the summer.

Rocky McGrorty...close family friend who fearlessly battled stage four melanoma for years...shortly before he started to lose his battle (August 15), he insisted on running in the Sampson Stomp race at the Zoo this past winter...I can't type anymore about him, I'm just too sad.

There was another graduation party this year...



My baby girl grew up and I dropped her off for her first day of college, and I was thinking about the first time she went to kindergarten and just how much I cried, because it meant she was growing up. And I cried today...because I just saw the bill!

I had another birthday and I'm another year older and not ashamed to admit my age...29! And I have no trouble believing this lie as long as I don't look in a mirror, or step on a scale, or stand in the same room as my grandson when he's looking at me and yelling "GRANDMA!"

I really discovered that I have so much to be thankful for...friends, family, great job, and I have no right to complain or gripe about anything...I don't know if I could've handled what my sister-in-law's sisters went through this past year in Japan. Joyce is a Baptist missionary in Japan and June and her family live in Fukushima, Japan, where the damaged nuclear power plant was...after the earthquake there was no food to buy, and the only water they had was what they put in their bathtub right after the earthquake...they were not affected by the tsunami but the power plant, well, that was another story.

Earlier this year Bristol Palin, the daughter of Sarah, wrote her autobiography at age 20!!! I'll tell you what my autobiography at age 20 would've said..."overslept this morning, again!...gas just went up to 45 cents a gallon...who can afford to drive anymore?"....um, I was 20 a LONG time ago...If I wrote it today it would read simply, blessed.

God bless you,

Love,

Cindy

In Praise of Nothing Special 2011

I remember the night we took this picture...it was sometime in late fall of 2004 and I picked up some KFC for supper...and just for the heck of it, I pulled out the camera and snapped some shots of everybody.


My stepson Mark, (he's the cute kid sitting next to my daughter whose sticking her tongue out) asked me "why are you taking pictures, nothing special is going on" to which I replied "exactly, that's why I'm taking pictures." I mean, there wasn't any particular reason to be taking pictures except maybe that disposable camera had been sitting on top of the TV for half a year and I was curious to see what I had taken pictures of, so I was gonna finish up the film and take it in to Walgreens...

But this morning when I was straightening up the house I happened upon this picture...and it suddenly took on a new meaning for me...there's my incredibly handsome--then 17 year old--stepson, sitting in the front room with his brother and stepsister enjoying original recipe chicken and mashed potatoes...nothing special...he's probably thinking about how he's going to convince his dad and me to let him go out with his friends for a couple of hours, we're gonna tell him we really don't think it's wise on a school night and he's always gone anyway and why doesn't he just stay put for one night and hang with the family...then he's going to complain we're too strict and that he stayed home a couple of nights ago and maybe he'll stay home tomorrow and c'mon, it's just for a couple of hours he'll be home by ten.

Four years after this picture was taken he was in Al Asad, Iraq...it was his second tour of duty then....he told his dad, mom, and me that he was going to what they called Camp Cupcake which was suppose to reassure us that he was going to be safe, which he probably was while he was on the base...the year before he was on his first tour of Iraq, he told us he was going to be guarding a water tank and it turned out to be a lie...he was the guy in back of the machine gun on top of a hummer guarding a convoy...this time around he was the one inside the Humvee driving...

Six years after this picture was taken he was on his very first tour of Afghanistan, the Helmund Province which he told us was actually quite beautiful, and what we later learned from watching Fox News, incredibly dangerous. Seven years after this photo, he's back on US soil, grateful to be alive, and married...yeah, my stepson got married this year to an incredible woman, Melissa, and we sure love her...his dad and me are so thankful for his life, grateful that it didn't end on foreign shores as so many of his friends did, and tonight we'll say a prayer thanking God, but also offering up prayers for other families whose son's and daughter's are on other shores, serving their country.

So this picture is just a snapshot of a "nothing special" night in late fall of 2004...a another boring night where nothing special was going on...and I'm glad I got a picture of it.

My buddy's thoughts on last night's CMA's

So this morning I get an email from my buddy Bill on his highlights, low lights, or peculiarities that he observed from last night's CMA Awards. As he says, "Please keep in mind that i don't mean to be overcritical or over-the-top. These were just my thoughts":

Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood are great hosts. Seem very down to earth, unpolished, and casual throughout the night. (Cindy's thought...I was impressed by both of them...I love Reba's hosting but you know what...I want to see them pair Brad and Carrie again)

The opening skit involved a parody of Hank Williams Jr.'s "All My Rowdy Friends" song regarding how Bocephus stepped into trouble this year with his remarks about Obama. Very funny stuff. Loved Bocephus' stern "Nothing to say" when asked if he had anything to say. (Cindy's thought...BRILLIANT! To have skipped what happened to Hank Junior earlier this fall would've been an "epic failure" of imagination on the writer's part)

Carrie Underwood has the best legs of any female star, tv, movie, or genre of music. (Cindy's thought...no comment)

What is the fascination with Taylor Swift that justifies another "Entertainer of the Year Award"? I get that she is refreshing, talented, and appeals to younger fans but "best entertainer"? I think not. Her performances too are getting to be a bit too "intimate"...almost odd. (Cindy's thought...like her or not, her concerts sell out and in this economy that's saying something)

Why does it seem that once these shows get started, it seems apparent that the judges or voters seem to zero-in on a particular band or artist and they win everything. Last night, it was "Band Perry". I realize they had a hit song this year, "If I Die Young", which is an odd but okay song but to win as many awards as they did over some very highly-received nominees is just weird. Happens every year though...next year, Band Perry may not win a single award. (Cindy's thought...a question as old as Adam and Eve...or at least it just feel's that way...but I saw it more as a changing of the guard as far as country music's sound is concerned--just what we saw in the 80's when Crystal Gayle and Kenny Rogers stopped winning awards because Reba McEntire and George Strait and Randy Travis were winning them...the entire sound of country went from a--for a lack of a better word "middle of the road" to traditional...and I saw almost the same thing last night although I'd say it was a change from Country "rock" or "adult contemporary" to dare I say it...traditional...what's old is new again--I think Perry's got at least another great year ahead of them)

Then Kenny Loggins appearing with Blake Shelton during the opening song of "Footloose" was kind of nostalgic. Brought back memories of Caddyshack...wonder if Kenny Loggins would appreciate that or not. Blake Shelton is a riot. (Cindy's thought...LOVE Blake Shelton...that's why he's on my twitter feed)

It was great to see Greg Allman appear with the Zach Brown Band on a rendition of Ray Charles' "Georgia on My Mind". He appears to be in much better health than he was last year at the Pabst. Rather disappointed in Zach Brown that they chose to do this song rather than one of their hits from the past year. (Cindy's thought...while I agree with you in part on Zach Brown...sometime's it's straying from the script that creates magic...I'm thinking specifically of the year Mary Chapin Carpenter strayed from her minor barely nominated hit and sang her brilliant (and infamous) "I'm Your Opening Act..." She stole the entire show and it immediately upped her asking tour price a few thousand bucks)

Not a Rascal Flatts fan but whoever the woman was that singing with Rascal's lead singer sounded remarkably like Justin Bieber (who actually recorded the song w/Rascal Flatts) and was entertaining simply because she appeared to have been rolled into a carpet remnant and walked onto stage. (Cindy's thought... Natasha Bendingfield--"and the rest is just unwritten")

Luke Bryan...for the love of all that is holy, lose the skinny jeans! (Cindy's thought...disagree...LOVE the skinny jeans...;)...)

Little Jimmy Dickens portraying Justin Bieber was pretty lame... (Cindy's thought...I don't know...if that's the only way they'll bring Jimmy back on I say do it)

Lionel Richie is attempting to crossover to country music now? Hootie (Darius Rucker) is awesome and saw him at Country Thunder this past summer....Lionel, i don't think that is going to be as good of a story. (Cindy's thought...Hey youngster, no dissing my man Lionel...You can look all the way back to the 80's to see his work with Alabama's number one "Deep River Woman" plus Kenny Roger's number one "Lady" another country hit Lionel wrote.)


Sugarland's Jennifer Nettles has a great voice although it can be annoying to me at times. Her performance with some dude, Matt Nathanson, was a bit disturbing and odd. Never heard or saw this guy before but after watching him last night, I now know that i never want to hear or see this guy again. Some odd cross between Dave Matthews, John Mayer, and Axel Rose. (Cindy's thought... blatant attempt to attract people who don't listen to country)

Martina McBride's performance about the breast cancer situation was pretty strong.

The tribute to Glen Campbell was pretty good however, they seemed to cut away from him before he could vocally acknowledge the tribute. Perhaps, his medical condition is making it difficult and they were trying to not embarrass him but i thought it would have been nice to hear a few words from him. He was trying to strum his guitar but there were no hot mics on for him (unlike Obama who can't seem to get away from the hot mics!). (Cindy's thought...according to Glen's wife, Glen is entering the middle stage of his Alzheimer disease, and as much as I would've liked to hear what he had to say, the reality is he could've come off as confused which would've been a painful way to conclude his award show legacy, for example the state of California has taken away his driver's license which Glen is still unaware of...)

What is the attraction of Faith Hill? Don't like her music, singing, and really don't think she's that "hot"...very thin and too much makeup. (Cindy's thought...I've actually met Faith--right before she hit with Wild One--she is a sweetie...plus, I'd never been able to get my husband to watch the CMA's without her!)

Bill Markut

On trying to lose 6 pounds for a free facelift

I need to lose SIX POUNDS by Monday! After all those years of begging radio sales people to fix me up with a client that does facelifts, I now find I can get a free one by being a volunteer for a research company in Chicago....Here's the ONLY problem...I discovered this last night...when I gave this company my present weight, they said I qualified but not to be one pound over as I am at the UPPER end of their BMI...no problem, right?...Well, last night my stepson casually mentions to his dad that our scale is off SIX POUNDS! That whatever the scale says, it's actually SIX POUNDS HEAVIER!!! I'm SCREWED!! I need to lose SIX POUNDS by Monday...Any ideas?

This is what I posted on my facebook link last Friday...and as a professional dieter I should've known better, well, actually I DO know better..."eat less, exercise more..." No seriously, I need a quicker, easier way (and I need it by Monday) and for that...I went to all my good buddies on facebook and learned something about myself that I'm not real proud of...when desperate to lose weight...I'll try anything...once...so on Saturday it was the all day apple diet...which, is exactly what you would think of something called apple followed by the words diet...I ate nothing but apples...this started around 10 Saturday morning and ended around Saturday at 2p...just about the time for my airshift on Big Buck Country 106.9...the problem is, it's almost impossible to down massive amounts of coffee required for radio while eating nothing but apples...even if their Honey Crisps (I should've gone with my first instinct and bought the Braeborns...braeborns go with everything).

Later that evening I headed to the one place that has everything for someone desperate to lose weight in the shortest amount of time possible without using their brain, logic, or common sense...Walgreens...God bless them! I got one of those 48 hour miracle diet fasts...lose 10 pounds by drinking nothing but water mixed with this product...sure, it takes the fun out of the weekend...no fun Packer food or beer, but it turned out to be no big deal as if you actually do this diet, you're gonna be spending all your time in the bathroom anyway. So by Monday, 10 pounds lighter, I now qualified to be a guinea pig for this free chin lipo, although, had they been offering free experimental colonoscopy's, I would've qualified for that too.

Is it proper to flip AND honk?

My daughter and I got into a heated discussion this morning as I was driving her to college and some piece of crap deliberately cut me off (on College Ave)...Having not smoked a cigarette in almost a month I took this act a little harder then normal and my daughter told me that while she thought it was OK to honk at the moron it was not OK to flip him off...I disagree...I feel that you have to combine the two or it's not as effective...thoughts?

I have never adjusted to living in the Upper Midwest...I say adjusted...what I really mean is since the day I was born I have never learned to appreciate this climate (fruitlessly crossing my fingers and hoping for climate change) and referring to late fall as "television season" and last night I opted to killing off an entire evening of my life watching a MAN VS. FOOD Marathon...and here's my dilemma on a Wednesday; Do I go into the kitchen and prepare something fried and horribly bad for me, stick it between a hogie and chow it down in under 10 minutes? Or do I drive to McDonald's and order the dollar salad?

This is not a vicious turtle unless your a worm, a cricket, or a strawberry.

Like everyone else, I couldn't believe what happened in Ohio last week with some nut job releasing 60-some wild animals into suburbia before taking his life...HUNGRY LIONS! BENGAL TIGERS! I knew it was bad when they brought in Jack Hanna (he's not just for cute and cuddly baby animals!--yes, I bought all his video's when my kids were young). But in the midst of all that horror...one thing made me laugh...yes, laugh...when the Ohio police were warning people to stay inside they also told people if they did have to go outside, and if they did actually run into one of the wild animals...DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! Because when I come face to face with a hungry Bengal tiger, the last thing I'm gonna do is RUN! I would be better off lighting up a Camel while waiting for the inevitable and by the way, WHY did I quit smoking? Oh, that's right, for my health, which wouldn't be an issue if I was about to be eaten by a tiger, although, it might for the tiger, particularly if he was concerned about his cholesterol.

I have a friend named Tom who operates a reptile rescue in West Allis and a few months ago he told me something that absolutely chilled me to the bone. He had a client ask him how to purchase water moccasins. They're snakes by the way...venomous, nasty and not very good tempered animals, if they were humans they'd be the creep who cut me off this morning on College Avenue. Anyway, this guy wanted to buy a couple and my friend Tom said "are you crazy?" Short answer...yes, the guy WAS CRAZY and bought a couple and put them in his BATHROOM!!! A month or two later this idiot call's my friend Tom back..."can you get rid of the water moccasins...they keep trying to kill me?" Even worse, the dude told Tom if he couldn't help him, he would release them in a forest preserve!!! Tom said he couldn't believe it...he told the guy "do you realize if you do that, those two snake will kill everything they come in contact, everything, kids, pets...everything!" Tom was eventually able to get rid of the snakes for this idiot...but still, scary isn't it...these idiots are out there...THANK GOD for people like Tom and if you can, stop by and visit his reptile rescue...Tom keeps our parks free from reptiles which is weird, if you think of it.

http://swordsanddreams.gotpetsonline.com/

Loss, Love, One Turtle and Pajama Jeans

I can tell you exactly what the weather was like one year ago...it was a perfect fall day...couldn't have been any prettier with the leaves changing and a warm breeze...

My friend died a year ago today of complications from leukemia...and she'd kick my butt if I sat here and wrote a sad tribute to her here...and besides that, there is no way I could top what her family wrote about her;

Susan (Spring) Cotch, 49, of Aurora, died October 5, 2010 at Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge, Ill., of complications from leukemia. It was during her childhood, when her Grandma Rose gave her her first cooking lesson, that she developed her lifelong love affair with food and its preparation. For Sue, life was to be savored and enjoyed. She found fun in everything and was part of a large group of friends and family that felt the same. Cooking was her passion and she was legendary for her entertaining skills, from the special dishes she created to the one-of-a-kind extras that made each dinner an event, and not just a meal. She also loved camping, traveling and exploring the world. For Sue, there was no finer reading material than a new cookbook. Her life-long love of French cooking and Paris fueled her own misguided fantasy that she herself was, indeed, French.

Seriously, is that the most awesome tribute ever? When I die, I want Sue's family to write my obituary...because if they don't, it may look something like this;

Cindy Huber passed away on ----, although it was hard to tell as she still continued to show up to work each day...although she was a little later then usual...Cindy loved HGTV, in particular House Hunters and, on occasion, House Hunter International, particularly in the winter when there was little else to do, and she especially hated walking the dogs in the cold air as she had to bundle them up in their little doggie outfits and they would skirm and fight her and it just sucked really. It got even worse for her once she gave up smoking, as then there really was nothing to look forward to when she walked the dogs, as she was now truly, just the person holding the poop bag, behind the dogs. Cindy also hated it when they moved the television show Survivor to Wednesday as it really screwed up the week for her and she kept forgetting it was on. Cindy really loved her DVR as she could finally tape Survivor, although she would often forget to watch it. Cindy had very few regrets but if pressed would admit that she wished she would've checked to see how long box turtles lived before she agreed to let her son have one, as she spent nearly half her life cleaning out the turtle cage. She also wished she had bought a pair of "pajama jeans" as it sounded like a really cool idea and she loved wearing pajamas, especially flannel ones that had pictures of polar bears. To Cindy, there was no diet plan that she wouldn't try, at least once, and amazingly not one of those diets ever included the words "eat less, excercise more," but more then likely included a Snickers bar and a Diet Coke. Cindy loved Jesus, her husband, her children, her grandkids, her parents, her brothers, her brother's wives and her nieces and nephews...she cherished her friends, enjoyed weather shows about tornadoes, and 3 pm naps on the couch. She joins her grandparents, her treasured friends, and quite a few dogs and cats, and hamsters. The box turtle outlived her.

The Adventures of F-Man and D-Minus boy!

Today I watched my first born drive away to college without a glance in his rear view mirror...which is just as well as who wants to see their mom crying and chasing his car down the street "come back child, come back!" OK, I didn't do that, but only because my son warned me not to...It's not the whole "he's leaving and never coming back..." It's more what his leaving represents...change...the genie's out of the bottle now and there's no sense trying to put the cork back on...especially if it's a fine bottle of merlot...but it got me thinking of how fast time roars by...just four years ago my son (and beloved stepson) were in a different phase of their life...as potential action figures--THE ADVENTURES OF F MAN and D MINUS BOY!!!

I got my kids report cards today. To say I'm pissed is putting it mildly...my stepson informed me that he doesn't have time to study and get good grades because "he's not going to be young forever and he doesn't want to waste his youth." That's right...that's what he said. Since grounding my kid's isn't one of my options...because I'd be the one stuck at home making sure they don't try sneak out of the house...honestly, with grades like these I'm gonna be stuck at home with them for the next 20 years anyway...So, instead of getting upset I have decided instead to think of them AS:

SUPER ACTION FIGURES! ...and i'm going to call it;

THE ADVENTURES OF F MAN AND D MINUS BOY!

My son's are a couple of action figures who soar through the air trying to fight crime and save the world...BUT, with a unique perspective...for instance... in episode number one the dynamic duo is relaxing at home with a lot of time on their hands (since they're skipping school) when suddenly they hear a victim screaming for help as he slowly sinks in quicksand "Help me help me" he screams..."oh wait, it's you, F man and D minus boy...um, never mind...i'll save myself."

My baby started college last week, and I couldn't help but think back to the good old days (for me anyway), when Sara wouldn't ask me for help with her homework, but I'd offer anyway;

I suck at my kid's homework! Since i went to school (which was about one hundred years ago, back when the dinosauers ruled) math and just about everything else seems to have gotten harder and I was pretty much obsolete as far as my kids homework was concerned right around the time they hit first grade!

That's why i was so excited when my daughter told me she had to do a paper on Earth Day. How cool is that? If there was one thing I majored in, it was writing about ten pages of crap on just about anything as long as it didn't include math! So when my daughter showed me "her" paper, i set about correcting and adding on to it as best I could...here's what she wrote:

Dear Earth, happy birthday! I can't believe your 210 million years old already. It was just yesterday that you were in the Jurassic period of your life. I remember that your super continent, pangea, was already starting to drift apart. I also remember the first land plants that you grew...the life that your plants gave was amazing! You had animals such as plated stegasaurs, brachiosaurs and many more animals. You also had the first birds like the pterosaurs and even the early mammals. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, Love, Sara.



Now here's what i wrote:

Dear Earth, happy birthday! I can't believe your 210 million years old already when you don't look a day over 29...ok, ok, just kidding, those lines on your face, barely noticable. Probably during your jurassic period. That was because your super continent, Pangea was already starting to drift apart, probably because of too much sun. I told you to use more sunscreen! I love your first land plants! The ginkgoes i buy in a bottle...they were on sale at Walgreens last week, pretty cheap. My little dog Max would have a ball barking at your ptersaurs. That is, if they didn't eat him first. Have fun on your birthday, but don't party too hard...remember your last hangover the ice age...that really sucked! Love, Cindy

My daughter no longer asks me for help with her homework.

This is the boring my Aunt met Elvis story

My husband doesn't get my fascination with all things Elvis...but honestly, I love Elvis because I feel like I met him...I mean, I didn't, but my aunt did, and it's quite a story;

My Uncle Jim was in the Army with Elvis and when they got done with (if memory serves me right-basic training or some kind of training...they had been gone awhile-but I don't think Elvis had gone to Germany yet)...so my Uncle Jim and Elvis were getting some time off and my Aunt (who had no idea that Jim was serving along side Elvis-years later my uncle told me he didn't think it was any big deal, he didn't listen much to music anyway) was waiting in a little cabin (the kind where you had a little kitchenette, and hung your wash on the line-this was the 50's you know)...Next to her cabin was a kind older couple, and a young good looking hottie named Anita...who told my aunt she was waiting for her boyfriend "Elvie" to get back...my aunt thought the older couple (at least the mom) looked vaguely familiar but maybe it's kind of like the Kenny Rogers theory...when men get to a certain age, they all start looking like Kenny Rogers...Anyway, they were together a few days before the "fellas" got back, and my aunt got to know Anita and "Gladys" pretty well...So the day the boys returned while my aunt and Anita were sunning themselves my aunt got the shock of her life...Elvie, was Elvis...and Elvis immediately asked my Aunt what-for anyone else would've been a safe question;

Elvis: "Whose your favorite singer?"
My Aunt: "Pat Boone."

My Aunt said Elvis looked momentarily stunned and then started laughing and patted her on the head and replied, "you know, Pat's a good singer too." His girlfriend at the time, Anita Wood (Colonel Parker later forced Elvis to break up with her) thought it was funnier then heck, BUT when Elvis's mom Gladys heard about it, she didn't think it was funny, and never spoke to my Aunt again.

ps...years later, whenever someone made a "not quite bright" comment, we'd reply..."Pat Boone."