A Finicky turtle and chocolate beer

Well, i just learned something today. Our box turtle who has been a member of our family for the past 3 or 4 years has taste buds...(yep, bet you didn't see that coming...for the past couple of weeks i have posting things about how i think Andrea Yates sucks and how Amish people are better then me and then i hit you out of left field with a turtle, and his taste buds)...which was a huge surprise to me, almost as surprising as finding out our turtle has ears...for what i don't know...i mean, he doesn't come when we call ("here Turtleturtleturtle"), but yes, he has those too, and that knowledge only cost 75 bucks, in "people money"...

It all started a couple of weeks ago when i noticed a huge lump on the side of the turtles face, he was looking at me and i was looking at him and i'm thinking "is that suppose to be there or what?"...his appetite for strawberries and grapes ended about the same time...the vet explained it this way..."a turtle can eat the same thing for years and years and then one day with no warning he will just stop eating it"...i wish that would happen to me...one day, with no warning, i just decide NO MORE CHOCOLATE...that's it...weight problem solved...which brings me to "HAPPY NEWS!"

CHOCOLATE BEER! : )
I think that rates a happy face, don't you?! It's being put out by Miller Brewing Company just in time for Christmas AND it will brewed with six different malts INCLUDING chocolate and dark chocolate...this being Wisconsin i can only think the idea started something like this with the collision of two rocket scientist;

"Sir, you have chocolate in my beer!"
"And you have beer in my chocolate!"

The beer is going to be sold any day now for $5.99 and i'm thinking me and the turtle are going to celebrate this Christmas in style...me with a pint of chocolate beer and the turtle with-i dunno, anything but my beer, now that i just found out he has ears, it would be my luck he has a liver too, and i don't have an extra 75 bucks for that...

Why the Amish are better then you and me...

OK...just me then...

Your probably better then me too, because there is just NO WAY i could have been that forgiving if someone had shot ten little girls in my community (and five of them died!) No way! I would have been madder then heck and i would have let everyone know it...you probably have heard how the Amish in Pennsylvania, on hearing that a local milkman-madman had shot and killed some of their neighbors, daughters and friends, promptly forgave him and lent their support to his widow and children.
Wow! What's wilder...that their forgiveness made major headlines...shows you how rare something like that is...

And i'm a little ashamed too...not at the fact that they can forgive and i, probably not as much...but at the fact that i always sort of, well, i didn't think i was better then them but i certainly didn't understand how they could stubbornly cling to the 1800's while the rest of us went wizzing by them in 2006...my son and i were driving towards Iowa one freezing January Sunday morning on Highway 18 when we passed several of the Wisconsin Amish on their way towards church...i had the heat blaring and the radio on and they were huddled together in open air wagons with blankets...my son had never seen Amish before and simply couldn't believe that they didn't have cars, and television and PS 2's..."they don't want to live in our world" i told him then...and today, who can blame them?

But the fact that they can forgive and continue to love after all that has happened to them...well, i'm not even in their league.

Is the whole world going CRAZY...or is it just ME...thoughts on Dog, the bounty hunter, and the pope

So let me see if i have this straight...you can be a rapist...CONVICTED of 86(!) counts of rape...but if you escape to Mexico...AMERICA isn't allowed to touch you...but if your a bounty hunter and YOU get CAUGHT catching the RAPIST...YOUR the one who goes to JAIL, in MEXICO...how stupid is this...or is it just ME...Honestly, i thought it was some kind of joke when i first heard this...IF YOU DO A CRIME...MOVE TO MEXICO...you can pay off the local police and live there and God forbid if anyone from America tries to bring you back...i'm making the story simple but honestly, check out what is happening to Dog the Bounty Hunter (Duane Chapman) and i guarantee your blood will boil...one of the girls that was raped has started a petition to keep Dog out of Mexico and i'm listing it here:

www.FREEMYDOG.com
(i'm number 3138 just in case your wondering...)

AND NOW, the POPE

I see the pope is apologizing to the Muslims again, and honestly, i'm starting to get sick of this...every night that i turn on the news...some RADICAL ISLAMIST is threatening America...calling us dogs and telling us how their going to kill us and blow up our cities...blowing up our Catholic churches...and this is EVERY NIGHT...and i don't see the Catholics or the Baptist blowing up Mosques...Of course the Baptist might be too busy protesting Planned Parenthood...(note: i'm Baptist...and i have never picketed Planned Parenthood myself although i will admit to burning a record or two in my day)

My point is, how crazy is it that the Radical Islamists have the freedom to say WHATEVER THEY WANT...but God forbid if you're the pope...is this world going crazy, or is it just me..?

Could you sign my petition for the Cowsills in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ?

I've been wanting to post something in my blog about Barry Cowsill...it's been about a year now since he was reported missing after Hurricane Katrina, and at that time myself and thousands of his friends and fans could never have believed that he would be found dead...it's still bizarre to me...he reminded me of a cat with 9 lives but somewhere along the way he must have used them all up...i first met Barry and his beautiful saint of a wife Debbie in the summer of 1996 when they moved here from Seattle...Debbie worked at the same radio station i did and Barry, well, Barry seemed kind of lost...but he was the sweetest, most charming "formally famous" person you could ever imagine...never one to talk about his past (AND WHAT A PAST!--he toured AND partied with Led Zeppelin AND his family was the ORIGINAL Partridge Family...until his dad messed it up) and always hopeful about the future...since he didn't have a job he would babysit Debbie and my kids when we headed out to various radio appearences...my kids adored him...he would gather them around him in a circle while he sang and played his guitar...and he would leave the best messages on my answering machine...he would never talk as he would sing them...Barry's heart was never here in Milwaukee although he tried to break into the music scene...he was a New Orleans boy and of course that is where he eventually returned when the hurricane hit...when you have a couple of seconds, if you wouldn't mind, would you please type in www.petitiononline.com/tchof05/petition.html. or click on www.Cowsill.com

I'm really bad with this internet thing and i don't know to put in a direct link yet, but as soon as i find one of Dan Kyle's interns...i'll fix it...until then...if your a Cowsill fan or know one...please sign the petition.

Thanks.

Remembering September 11, and an uncle who raised seahorses

It's Sept. 11 again and i'm stunned...FIVE YEARS ALREADY?!

There's times that it seems like it happened one hundred years ago, but really, it was only FIVE years ago...there was a world before that date and now...i'm really thankful i took my kids on an airplane ride to see their grandparents before that happened...before there were all those damn checkpoints..."look kids, there's grandpa and grandma standing right by the window waiting for us"...and really, there's no point in moaning about what use to be because it ain't going back...not with all these terror alerts complete in orange, red and yellow...so, tonite, my family is going to do the only thing we know how to do...

CELEBRATE.

That's right...celebrate life...as in how dare you terrorists THINK you can destroy us with fear..! Bite me you B%#st**ds!!! Today my family will celebrate LIFE...TODAY is a day we will share together...with love, with random acts of kindness toward strangers, maybe even taking some cookies to one of our elderly neighbors...just because.

Today i will FEAR the acts of GOD...but i will not fear the acts of man!

Cindy Huber

ps...geez...maybe i shouldn't have skipped my prozac before lunch.


An Appreciation of my uncle, ROBERT FALT

Tonite, i will also celebrate the life of my precious uncle, BOB FALT, who was a science teacher in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and before Type 2 Diabetes destroyed his health, a tennis instructer...he was a smart and brilliant man who raised seahorses in his basement...yes, seahorses...i mean, they won't even sell them to the general public anymore because they are so difficult to keep alive and apparently feel pain...but my uncle raised them...AND sold them to the pet stores...i never really knew how awesome that was...to go down in his basement to play with my cousin Jennifer and watch the seahorses...now when i think back, i'm totally in awe.

I was lucky enough to get a chance to visit him a few months ago with my mom...it was obvious that he was dying but he lived alone in a apartment complex, and sat outside on the porch waiting for kids to go by with their homework so he could offer help...he was also dying of loneliness so my mom came upon a compromise...if he would give up smoking, my mom would buy him a puppy...at the time i wondered about the sanity of the situation...my poor uncle, suffering from cigerette withdrawal while the puppy would be peeing all over his apartment...but my uncle said yes so out we went and bought my uncle a puppy...because that's what you do when someone is dying right?...you buy them a puppy...at the time i promised my uncle that if anything happened to him...i would take care of the puppy...and, well, you know where this is going to go, right..?

My uncle passed away this past Saturday...alone, but not alone...as several of his neighbors, who loved him very much, were keeping an eye on him...one knew that he was bad and begged him to let her call 911...but he said no...(actually he said "don't you dare" as he was terrified of having to go to a nursing home again)...he was found, probably a few minutes after he died by his new family of neighbors...with his dog by his side...

Oh yes, the dog...remember that promise i made?

Sempher fi, butterfly

My son and i were sitting outside Dominos pizza one late summer afternoon...(i believe it was on a Monday since that's the $4.99 large one topping special)...when we noticed this big beautiful butterfly fluttering around in the breeze when SPLAT,
a big red Ford truck hit it...

Man, isn't that kinda like life...Your kinda fluttering around on a nice warm breeze thinking about how perfect everything is when life slams into you...not less then 24 hours after our family vacation the phone rings and it's the MARINES on the other end, against my husband and my wishes our (then) 19 year old stepson signed up earlier and now it was time to go...it's not that we don't want him to go in as this is something my stepson has always wanted anyway, it's just that his dad and mom and i are worried sick about what's out there for him and have tried to talk him into waiting and taking some college...he didn't, of cours, cuz he's in a hurry to grow up and get out of the house-worried that he might miss something if he stays at home...weren't we all like that once...

And what is really weird now is that i can't remember a single bad moment that we had all though i guarentee you we had them...c'mon, i'm the "wicked stepmom" ok?...the one who put the "smack down" when he broke curfew or got a little mouthy...we weren't the Brady Bunch, that's for sure, but honestly...all i'm thinking about right now is his silly sense of humor and his belief in doing what is right by his country, and i'm incredibly proud of him...

So with a heavy heart and a giant lump in our throats, his dad, mom and me relunctantly set our butterfly free,

Hey Mark,

Sempher fi.

ps...and watch out for big red Ford trucks.

Summer's over, thank God

I'm tired of shivering through another August...think we'll have better luck in September? Here's a scarey thought...when i went to bed last night it was still August!

And i still can't get over the thought that Summerfest and the Wisconsin State Fair are over, sometimes i get so depressed...i went out and bought a pound of powdered sugar, i try to pretend i'm eating cream puffs and that i just misplaced all the other ingredients...

ps...i've gotten a few emails asking me if that grapefruit diet i was trying worked...it DID...Now, here's the deal...(according to the National Enquirer) you're suppose to drink 8 ounces of grapefruit juice a day AND at the end of the month...you should lose up to three pounds a month...just by doing that...but word of warning...unless you love love love grapefruit juice...spend a little extra and get the name brand stuff cuz otherwise you will be gagging all the time...however, and this i pray..."Dear Lord, if i can't be thin, please, at least let me be skinnier then my girlfriends"...(i saw that on a tee shirt once, worn by a skinny you know what)

The first "FAMILY" Vacation...

This is my family in front of the Corn Palace in South Dakota...
NOTE: There is no palm trees or beaches anywhere near there...it is a building covered with CORN!!! (at least the popcorn was good)

Last year my family went on our first "blended" family vacation...my husband and i had been meaning to do this since we got married a few years ago...but something always came up like...no money...kids who didn't want to go "WITH US"...and where to go "destination problems...like...i think vacations should involve a BEACH...and my husband thought a vacation should involve HISTORY; "hey kids, let's go see Mount Rushmore and learn something..."

Look, i love presidents as much as the next guy...but i'm not sure i want to spend precious days off staring at four dead presidents on a big rock...unless that rock is next to a beach...a big, beautiful beach...with sand and waves, and maybe a concession stand that sells hotdogs and Corona's...

I might also point out that i lived next to South Dakota for a while in the 80's...maybe not for a long time but LOOOOONG Enough...

And i thought that would be the end of it...until my husband got it in his head to visit South Dakota...for the last three years that's the only place he's wanted to go...i kept hoping he'd give up on it BUT much like Chevy Chase in the original Vacation movie...("the moose says South Dakota's closed but i say it's open")AWAAAAY we went...my kids and his kids and a dog who gets car sick...

How'd it go...?

Well, here's what we did and i'm gonna pass this gem to you because i like you...rent a car with a DVD player...

That's right friend....the SECRET TO A REALLY GREAT FAMILY VACATION ISSSSS...a DVD player...forget those old family vacations where everyone was forced to look out the window at scenery...(God's green earth "are you crazy?"..it's South Dakota--everything's brown(!)...and God forbid, talk to each other...family vacation conversation is over-rated anyway...i mean, growing up, our family vacation conversations were always the same: "Mom, Paul is pinching me again...hey, it's my turn to sit next to the window...i'm sick of this radio station, CHANGE IT NOW!... PLUS, the ever popular; "ARE WE THERE YET?!"...followed of course by my mom's..."ONE MORE WORD AND I'M STOPPING THE CAR AND BEATING YOU ALL!!"

No, there were no beatings on this family vacation! In fact, i can tell you where we were just by the movie that was playing at the time...for instance...the trip through the Badlands was perfectly accented by a Chuck Norris film called "A Force of ONE..."He (hhheehheeehhheee)hears the silence...he (hhheehhheehheee)sees the darkeness, and only he (hhheehheehhhee can stop the kkkilllling!"...summing up the absolute remoteness that is the Badlands...
The trip through the Corn Palace and Wall Drug was best summed up by the "Best of Friends" season four dvd--totally commercial...and then there was Mount Rushmore...drum roll please..."Napolean Dynamite"; What do you get when you combine a tiger and a lion...a liger, or course...that's right, the kids got a little education with their history...this is not to say that we played dvd's the ENTIRE time...no, there was that little unfortunate escapade through the "wildlife loop" that winds through Custer Park where we weren't sure if the bison were going to stampede through our Ford Expedition or not that the movie "Jurassic Park" didn't seem so appropriate, that was probably the quietest part of our entire trip...

Sooooo, the next family trip you decide to take, get a DVD player and thank me later, in fact, i have a few dvd's i'd be glad to loan you..."Jaws" anyone?...probably not if your making a road trip to Florida.

Rubiks cube...AWWWWW SHOOT!

I saw where the inventor of the Rubiks cube had a birthday the other day...my first thought was..."he's STILL alive?"...i would have thought that some crazy guy, fed up with trying to figure out how the darn thing works would have taken him out by now...i actually bought a rubiks cube--for the first time in 25 years--when they were celebrating their birthday last year and it only took a minute to figure out WHY i hadn't picked one up in 25 years...they stink!

I took my Rubiks cube out on my back 40 and shot it with my bb gun...it felt so good i went back in and brought out my chess set and got rid of that too...come to think of it, my Monopoly game has been starting to act kind of cocky lately...hmmmmmmmm.

Diets Suck!

...And this is coming from someone who is "technically" on a diet 365 days a year!

It's kind of frightening how it "all of a sudden" creeps up on you, one day, your jeans don't fit...(now, keep in mind your...ok, i mean MY jeans had been getting kind of tight lately BUT) ...then there's that awful day when even lying on the bed to zip up your jeans doesn't work...and then i'm like, "how'd this happen?!"

Has that ever happen to you?...No?...must just be me then...

There was a time a few years back where, out of TOTAL DESPERATION i wrote "NO" on the fridge in lipstick thinking that it would stop me during my late night raids...(under the logic that if i saw "NO" on my fridge at 3 am in the morning i would turn away and go back to bed)...i would have been better off writing "WASH ME" for as much good it did me, as the only thing i lost was part of my security deposit as the lipstick stained part of my fridge (darn you Max Factor!)

1. During my years as a professional dieter i have learned a few things...that drinking 8 ounces of grapefruit juice a day DOES work in helping you lose 3 pounds a month...(thanks to the National Enquirer for that information)...with the only problem, of course is it has to be the unsweetened crap and oh yeah, you have to ACTUALLY drink it...

2. I've also learned that you really don't have to exercise AS HARD if your willing to drink 64 ounces of water a day, which really wouldn't be that big of a deal except i never seem to remember to do it until 10 at night and then i empty out my 32 ounce cup of Code Red Mountain Dew from Speedway...(i'm trying to earn enough points for one of those free Applebee dinners)...then you fill the now empty cup with water and chug it down....SUGGESTION....if your not in "the mood" to chug a ton of water at one sitting it helps if you have one of those little packages of sour cream and onion potato chips...(you can get 4 for a dollar at most Pick N Save stores)..then you drink your water in two parts...grab a magazine and head on up to the bathroom...oh, and don't forget your pillow...your going to be up there for a while...

More summer emails...

My friend Cindy emailed me this and i just loved it...i thought you might get a kick out of it too...
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself...unless of course i want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I will honor my personality flaws, for without them i would have no personality at all!

AND LASTLY,

Just for today, i will not sit in my living room all day watching tv...instead, i will move my tv into the bedroom. AMEN.

Summer salvation...i call it "the garden"

With all the crazy things going on in the world thank God, for the garden...mine isn't much...it's more of a "survival of the fittest" type garden...and so far the dandilions are doing fine, thank you...i saw a report in the news the other day that the green house effect is making the poison ivy stronger and more potent but i haven't seen an example of it in my garden as the "super deadly" crab grass has choked it out...

But i'm comforted to know that at least one of my friends as a "green thumb" and i live out my fantasy of super gardener through her emails;

"Oh, and by the way, my tomatoes are great! I marinaded them with cucumbers and onions from the garden along with my basil, parsley and cilantro in balsamic vinegar, dijon, tomato paste, kosher salt, sugar and olive oil...i served it over iceburg lettuce sprinkled with parmesan and a side of rye bread...yum! Love,
Pennyjo."

No matter how down i get about the world, i think about Pennyjo and her garden and i always feel better!

In memory of my grandma, Reba Davison of Mason City, Iowa

Christmas 1977...as you can see, we are a family that liked lots of pets!

I originally posted this in July, at that time my mom and i were discussing my grandmothers situation...you see, my mom had recently had to put her mom in the nursing home because my grandma decided she was no longer going to take her meds...that's right, grandma's off her meds...which you think would make a great situation comedy..."TONITE, on...GRANDMA'S OFF HER MEDS"...Grandma Reba takes on Hells Angels at Walgreens while waiting for her XANAX with hilarious results!"

O.k...maybe not...unless you knew my grandma and realized that she REALLY COULD take on Hells Angel if she wanted too...(as long as it didn't interfere with her bridge night with the girls)...my grandma chose instead, to take on everyone else...my grandma is a fighter...that is why she has lived so long (98! and still in her own home)...she was the eighth child of nine kids and has outlived them all...grew up in a very poor Quaker household with NO CAR...rode a horse to everything but that was, of course, when they were lucky to have a horse...they had very little food, heck, the depression was nothing for my grandma...she didn't even notice when it hit...but she survived to raise my mom and uncle and send them to college, and then SHE decided to go to college in 1962 when she was well into her 50's...something that was so unusual at the time that she was a front page article in the paper..."old lady goes to college" or something like that...she went on to become a nurse and then got hired by all her friends kids to take care of their parents when they couldn't take care of themselves, she was still doing private nursing INTO HER 80's when she was forced into retirement...because all her friends had passed away...

And, of my gosh, still driving well into her 80's...in fact, i have actually gone storm chasing an F 3 tornado and still was never as scared as when i went for a car ride with my grandma in her 1967 "boat"...one of those big giant gas guzzlers that was only driven by a little old lady to church...except that she drove over lawns and sidewalks to get there...(completely oblivious to her screaming neighbors as she HATED wearing her hearing aids)...there she was balancing her 86 year old hiney on TWO Mason City Iowa phone books (hey, it's a small town-you need two) so she could look over the steering wheel and see who she was flipping off..."stupid kids" she would mutter to 60 year old guys she cut off until my dad finally had to sneak into her garage and disable her car so she would stop driving...but i can think of no one tougher then my grandma...i will never have to fear growing old or stale thanks to my grandma...she started her life over and because of her example...when i turn 50 i'm going to run off and become a roadie for Stevie Nicks, or Heart or even Cher...we sisters are taking it on the road and doing it for ourselves!!!

But no my grandma is tired and wants to go home, on her terms of course...

God bless you Grandma Reba, i'll miss you,

Cindy

ps...before you go, could you please jot down your cinnamon-apple recipe...if you have time?

November 20, 2006...As it turns out, my grandma didn't have time...my grandma passed away suddenly Thursday, November 16, 2006 just a couple of months after her son died...my grandma survived just about everything but the death of a child...that's when she really gave up...but she kept her mind to the end, and i will cherish her memory to the end of mine.

Hi Dad, happy fathers day!

How's that line in the movie "Honey, i Blew up the Kids" Go...? Mommys mean business BUT Daddy's mean FUN!!!

I'd like to thank my dad for all the wonderful memories he gave me...i can remember being in my 20's and sitting on the front porch of my house after i had gotten kicked out of college and moaning to my dad, "i have NO idea what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, and my dad going "me neither...want another beer?" Or the time i was in second grade and i was crying because i had just finished reading a book called "Charlottes Web" and had gotten to the part where the spider dies, and my dad started crying with me and he said "that is the saddest story i have ever heard...want a beer?"

I LOVE YOU DAD!!!!

My friend has a dream...want to help?

I have really awesome friends who dream BIG DREAMS...(not the crappy dreams like i have which include beer and margaritas and running from big scarey monsters--who want my beer and margaritas!)

My friend Jim Muracco emailed me about a friend of his; Dan Fouliard, who is a local film maker who is attempting to document his attempt to get U2 to perform at Miller Park next St. Patty's day in a concert that would raise funds to fight aids and hunger...WOW!...what a dream!!!

Do you feel inspired? Log onto his website; www.Voiceofamillionpetition.com and check out his dream and sign his petition...who knows?...stranger things have happened...

My daughter, the bill collector

When your a kid, it takes forever for summer to get here...when your an adult, you blink and here it is! (summers here?...i still haven't paid off the heating bill) My daughter is at the age now where she wants a job so she can make some money...i tried to help her out by paying her a dollar every time the phone rings and she tells them "mom's not here"--that's worth a dollar don't you think?...i also extended the same offer to my son, that way the phone gets answered and i know which bill collector wants their money and if MADD needs another donation...so far my son has only billed me two bucks BUT this morning my daughter presented me with a bill for SIXTY BUCKS!!!

Oh yeah, she kept records of who called and when and everything, so now i'm gonna have to pay my son a dollar to tell her i'm not home when she tries to collect!

I didn't SUCK!

I don't think...but as far as i could tell, no one yelled "you suck", but then again my hearing isn't the best anyway...

A few weeks ago i invited you to join me for "stand-up comedy" graduation night and i want to thank you...ok...a few of you...for accepting my invitation and hopefully you had a great...ok, good time...i think trying to attempt comedy is like the first huuuuge drop on a roller coaster...you close your eyes and raise your hands in the air and wheeeeeee...i was on Dan Kyle's show the day before and tried out some of my material...the jokes i thought would just kill...kinda landed with a thud on the studio floor and the stuff i thought sucked, well, Dan thought was funny...at the time i thought that Dan just didn't have a sense of humor, but as it turns out, the stuff Dan thought was killer, killed...

Further proof that HUBER has NO HUMOR:

On driving; Not that i suffer from road rage but my daughter once asked me why i'm always flipping people off...i told her it's because i don't have a gun...

on Diets; Willpower is over-rated, if it was so damn important someone would have invented a drug for it...

(ok...maybe you needed a couple of beers before i got started...they don't call it a "two drink minimum for nothing...)

So, you think YOU CAN DO BETTER????
(chances are you can)

Contact the Comedy Cafe to get in touch with Roz Turner to find out more about her comedy classes...email them (Comedy Cafe) or email me and leave a phone number and i'll pass it along to Roz...or visit my friends on open mike night...the awesome Tony Miller hosts OPEN MIKE at the Skylight on Broadway, 150 N. Broadway, Thursday nights at 9pm...or contact Nola J. at the Ardor Pub also on Broadway...i believe Wednesday nights...(i'll double check on that), she and Tony are unbelievably funny and incredibly supportive...c'mon, you know you want to!

Hi there...want to be a comic?

Seriously...ok...perhaps the word serious and comedy don't go together but i grew up during the Steve Martin and Saturday Night Live (original cast) years...and after Watergate we all needed to laugh...thank God we had Bill Cosby and George Carlin and of course the late GREAT Richard Pryer...and a few short years later Eddie Murphy and the awesome late Sam Kinison....

Not for one moment do i think i have even 1 percent of their talent, but i caught the bug emceeing comedy shows at the Oneida Casino up in Green Bay back in the early 90's...and a few short years later when i emceed the comedy shows here at Summerfest-- back when we had a comedy tent...it was there i met the awesome Roz Turner and found out that she has a comedy class...now Roz use to book ALL of the comedians in the Wisconsin area and she has, of course, the most awesome stories (you'll have to ask her about trying to track down the - at that time - the homeless Drew Carey)...

Short story...i took her class...and now it's time for me to graduate...this Wednesday night at the five star Comedy Cafe on 615 E. Brady here in Milwaukee...and YOUR INVITED! The cost is 4 dollars and a two drink minimum and you can watch your "favorite" disc jockey fall flat on her face OR maybe actually get a laugh out of you...i'm not sure which way it's gonna go which is the beauty of this...you see, this is my second time in the saddle...the first time...well, i'm not sure if i should tell you...oh the heck with it...i was the first comic up and the audience was SOBER...and sadly enough, so was i...and so when i got up on that cold cruel heartless stage and began spewing off jokes about my kids, ex-husbands and turtle...(yes, turtle)...i can still remember the look of total disbelief that spread through the audience...(she's just compared her turtle to George Clooney?-AND she's still got 3 minutes?!!!...it was 3 years a go and the thought of how absolutely awful i was still sobers me up...and i've had 6 beers!)...

I DEFY YOU to do better...and of course you could...which is why your invited this Wednesday night at 7:30...you might want to come earlier for best seating and visit Roz Turner's comedy graduation class of May, 2006...i've seen all the acts and believe me...i'm the only one doing the turtle jokes...although i've added cool stuff about snakes and hamsters--ok--i'm kidding...about the hamsters anyway...check it out...and if you want...talk to Roz about taking a class...you get a cool certificate that says your a comic and everyone loves you...ok...again i'm kidding...but you do get a certificate...

Comedy Cafe is right off of North Water and East Brady...see you in class!

Happy Mothers Day Y'all

Ok...so i'm a little late...and if you have kids...EVERYDAY is mothers day...so go ahead, take that nice long walk with your kids...don't worry, those dishes will still be waiting for you when you get back!

My mom was never the "traditional" mom type...back when other mommys stayed home my mom was a hardworking nurse who didn't put up with any bulls*** from her kids...and she was always brutally honest...when i would tell her about one of my many poor decisions always involving a bad choice of boyfriend...my mom was never the "poor darling"...she was more the "i hope you never forget the pain your feeling right now so that you will always be reminded of it the next time your tempted to go out with another loser!" And you know what...it worked!

And yet, this was the same mom who didn't blink when i told her i wanted to go to a strict religious college in the early 80's...she got our next door neighbor to sew up all the slits in my skirts (skirts with slits were fashionable back then...right before the "cut off collars on sweatshirts style which of course you can blame on the movie "FLASHDANCE"!) And three months later when i changed my mind and decided that no...radio was going to be my "calling"...she didn't blink or say the obvious "i hope you don't mind not having enough money to eat"...because she knew how badly i wanted to lose weight anyway...and recently when i told her if this radio thing didn't work out i'd like to be a "stand-up comedian" she remembered that i was the funniest kid in sixth grade!!! (actually, i was the most unpopular kid at Summerdale School in Rockford, Illinois, but i didn't want to contradict her)

Happy moms day mom...i love you!

On Monday, my neighbors dog died

Which just broke my heart...i'm a big dog lover and i absolutely adored her dog Max...which i called Old Man...as in "hey old Man...want a doggie biscuit?"...which of course is one of the reasons he became one of my favorite "people"...a dog biscuit is a small price to pay to have someone really give a "damn" whether your home or not...and trust me...this dog CARED...a lot...which is why, i would find him sitting on my doorstep just about every afternoon around 5pm...just sitting...waiting for me...(although my husband contended that Max was senile and couldn't remember what door he belonged too)...i knew better...and so what if it was for uno "doggie biscuit"...i've had boyfriends that weren't as loyal or FAITHFUL and they got more then a "doggie biscuit"...

My neighbor (who was just devastated) actually had people tell her "it's just a dog...it's not like it's your kid"...and first off...what kind of "knuckle head would say that to ANYONE"...(could they be the same people who, a couple of months ago told a lady who lost her child from the infamous Sizzler salad debacle of a few years back and who herself was dying from cancer that "at least she was joining her kid in heaven...as IF THAT makes it ALL BETTER?! -- it's true...it was mentioned in her obituary!) Morons.
My theory is that anyone who tries to comfort ANYONE with that bullsh#*...has NEVER GRIEVED and has NO BUSINESS opening their mouth...does that make me sound cruel(?)...don't care. See, i can be a moron too!

My whole family is baptist because of ONE animal lover...no lie...my parents never went to church and then one day our dog died...that next Monday a couple of Jehovah Witnesses came to the door and my heartbroken father asked them "do dogs go to heaven" in which they replied (something to the effect of) blah blah spirit no soul blah blah...NO...to which my dad kicked them out of the house with "i'm not going anywhere where dogs aren't allowed"...

THE VERY NEXT WEEK...a baptist Sunday school teacher showed up at the door to which my dad asked the very same question..."do dogs go to heaven" and he said "of course dogs go to heaven, in the bible it says that in heaven the lion will lay down with the lamb (and not get eaten) and what kind of heaven would it be without dogs anyway?"...the VERY NEXT SUNDAY...my dad was in the baptist church...

Personally, i like the send-off my dad gave my aunts goldfish when they were kids...my aunt never cleaned her goldfish bowl and it stunk so bad that my dad decided to help her out by pouring perfume into the bowl...with, as you can imagine, the obvious results...so when my heartbroken aunt confronted my dad...he offered to give her goldfish a proper send off complete with a 21 gun salute (which apparently was legal in those days as it was the 40's and every boy had a bb gun)...so as the goldfish were buried and the time came to give the salute...my dad solemly lifted his bb gun...and pointed it to the spot where the goldfish were buried and shot them...21 times...60 years later my aunt still brings it up and my dad hasn't fired a gun since...