Here comes the reason for my next diet...

State Fair...Cream puffs...and bacon anything...

Summer in Milwaukee can be summed up in 3 words...Summerfest, State Fair...and Summerfest already seems like such a long time ago...

I'm posting this picture of my former co-worker Gene Mueller, just to prove to my son that I actually have met him, worked with him, and hopefully this will even give me some street cred to him...make me appear more "in touch" and maybe even...hip? (Is that even a word anymore?)..."hip" use to mean cool...but at my age--one wrong step off my couch--it could actually mean my hip...and several thousand bucks in doctor fees....

This picture was taken last year at the Wisconsin State Fair and I deliberately made the photo small, not because Gene isn't as cute as heck...he is...but, because I don't want to see a photo of my face any bigger then it needs to be...In fact, last year, I chose not to put this photo on my facebook even though I wanted my son to see it, just because I hated how I looked...But isn't life weird?...I've had so many awful pictures taken of me in the past year that THAT photo of me no longer looks as horrible to me as it did last year...that, or my eyesight is failing...

Today is 2 days before the start of another State Fair, and 13 days before the start of my next new diet plan...

...Yeah, it's too late to even try to lose weight for this year...but thanks to last year's photos, I know what shirts to avoid wearing...this is one of them...the other is an Hawaiian shirt that I bought several years ago in Naples, Florida, that I absolutely loved wearing until I saw a picture of me at the fair wearing it...what are the odds that I'll see some poor schmuck wearing my ridiculously comfortable but unflattering Hawaiian shirt while chomping on a cream puff, totally unaware that any picture taken of him, or her at the fair, will be the reason that my once treasured Hawaiian shirt, will once again turn up in the "sale" rack at the Salvation Army?

Scenes from a Wedding....

So I went to this wedding over the weekend...

A certain member of my family, who will remain nameless mainly because I LOVE her very much, and also because I'm already in trouble...Well, this person decided to get married over the weekend to a man who has a family who has never been housebroken...I guess that's the nicest way to put it...Not all of his family...just his mom Boozy, her sister Floozy, her other sister, Loser, and the other cousin, Maggot Breath...OH! And Maggot's idiot girlfriend...


Now, I have been shielded from this idiot family for years by my sainted husband whose name I refuse to mention although it wouldn't matter since he never reads my blog...But this weekend our families came together in only a way that could have included 3 cops, 2 forest rangers, and the proverbial cherry on top...a$$ whupping...And it all started when I, (yes me...I had finally had had enough at the reception and politely asked Maggot's girlfriend to leave, in a real quiet, hushed, polite sort of way...in front of the entire wedding bridal party while one of the groomsmen was making a speech...)

Her name, I later found out (when I filled out the police report) was Cirrhosis Liver...Now, what finally yanked my admittedly short chain was her throwing a beach ball at one of the speakers...and heck yeah, his speech had gone on a little bit too long, and it was dry, but that could've been because it was a "dry wedding"...NO BOOZE ALLOWED... Not that it mattered to Maggot, Cirrhosis and a few other members of this family, they got around the "dry wedding" part by coming to the wedding drunk, and astonishing to me--although I admired their dedication to the non-sobriety cause--stayed consistently drunk for four hours...that's right...they were solidly drunk for four hours...Not once did any of them appear to sober up in even the tiniest degree...(I, I am but an amateur to these people, I can do about a half hour of slurred speech, followed by about 20 minutes of banging into chairs and once, I was so drunk, I was actually able to strap on a pair of six inch heels--crazy, I know!--and walk around for a brief minute and a half before I realized..."I'm WEARING SIX INCH HEELS"...and ended up before the porcelain throne. In fact, most of my experiences with alcohol ends up in front of the throne, which is why, even today, if I even think there's a chance of booze, I clean the toilet before hand, just in case, that's what wisdom does for you)

Any way, where the heck was I...Oh yes, at a wedding...we have a groomsman and a speech that's about 5 minutes to long and still going strong, and a party guest named Cirrhosis, with her back to the speeches dumping her food (that I helped pay for) all over herself, the floor, and talking...I mean, slurring loudly, when she got the bright idea of flinging a beach ball at the kid giving the speech...OK, OK, here's where I come in...I didn't have a part in the wedding, and that's probably a good thing because in any wedding I was a bridesmaid, they eventually broke up, Why? Let's just say I'm like a broken mirror and 7 years bad luck and blah, blah, blah, where am I? Oh yeah...

At this particular wedding, my part, was to shut the heck up, and stay out of the way of everyone, and to have a good time...which I did before the beach ball, and I simply got up, put my face a few inches from Cirrhosis, and told her, politely to get out...now...Although honestly, it was more like GET OUT NOW...OK, OK, it was more like, "HEY YOU STUPID DRUNK, I PAID FOR ALL THAT COLESLAW YOU JUST DUMPED ALL OVER THE FLOOR THAT I'M GOING TO PROBABLY HAVE TO CLEAN UP (and I eventually did, because it was a rented hall) AND YOU CAN JUST STRUT YOUR DRUNKEN BUTT (a$$) OUT OF HERE...

But please, before you leave, take one of these ceremonial keychains with you so you will always be reminded of the great time you had at this wedding...Or maybe I didn't add that last part, but I might've as that sounds like something I would say...

Well, members of that family followed her out, there was a punch thrown, another, a pile up, it was almost like being at a Brewers game when they clear the clubhouse...exciting stuff and well, someone finally called the cops and the rangers, (we were at a state park) and we had to explain how a wedding that didn't include ALCOHOL turned into a good old fashion wedding brawl...

Here comes the best part...yeah, best part, I was saving the best part for last...Some of the new husbands kinfolk are screaming obscenities at me....ME...because I threw Cirrhosis out...to which I (believe it or not) smiled and installed my own brand of blessings on their untrained a$$es..."F you, and F you, and oh yes, F you too...by the way, did I tell you how this whole wedding started...the mom of new husband held up the wedding by showing up AN HOUR LATE to show off her displeasure at her son finally growing a testicle and getting married to the bride. And yet, I'm the bad guy...as her family streamed down the hill to their cars BEFORE the cops were called...they called me names...I just lost 10 pounds but these people were calling me fat...no, not "phat" but FAT...and I, the good Christian who loves Jesus, and I do, I honestly do, I F-them, each and everyone of them with a big ass smile on my face...you would've been right to think me drunk, but believe it or not, I was stone cold sober, although I was probably hyped up on Cherry Coke and a tad of coleslaw...BUT, the part I was saving, and this is the best part...THE CAKE hadn't been cut yet...that's the part that is truly gratifying to me...some members of his family didn't. get. ANY. CAKE...bitches...

And if they thought I was fat before the cake...

Well anyway,

How was your weekend?

Life is getting weird

So this morning I'm updating my radio station's facebook page..."Breaking NEWS...it's HOT out...adjust your life style..." when what pops up in the bottom left hand corner of my screen...my firstborn has updated his "LIFESTYLE" status!!! First off, I'm shocked...my son has a lifestyle? How can that be? When I left for work this morning he was still in bed...And now he's in a relationship? (Time to hit the pause button, oh wait, there is no pause button, unless my husband paid the cable bill for this month.) But half the time I hit the pause it doesn't work...probably because someone borrowed the batteries...and in my house with three kids still living there, there are too many suspects, and each and everyone of them will have an airtight alibi. My son has an "updated lifestyle status..." And there's nothing I can say about it, because if I do, he will exercise the only option he has while still living at home while attending college. He will unfriend me. And I suspect the only reason I actually saw his status update is because he forgot I'm still one of his friends. I forced him to friend me after he unfriended me the last time for hitting "like" one too many times on one of his many "Brewer's rule" status...can't remember which one...One, to my son, is sometimes too much.

Son..."Ultimate frisbee was great!" Mom...LIKE. Son..."I warned you..."

Leaving me unfriended, and out of the loop in his life...shoot, even my brother who I rarely communicate with has been able to maintain his friend status...and he hits the "like" button way more then I do!!! Life isn't fair sometimes...I suppose I could just ask my son "how's it going.."

Son..."Why are you asking me that? What do you want to know?" Mom..."Nothing, just wondering how you're doing..." Son..."You're always asking me how I'm doing...I'm fine...stop worrying about me...cut the umbilical cord mom...I'm a grown up..." Mom..."You sleep in my basement..." Son..."Most kids under 30 sleep on in the basement thanks to today's economy and dismal job opportunity...and we don't have a basement!!! I sleep on the couch." Mom..."And I'm grateful for that son, otherwise I'd never see you!"

Thank God for facebook. Now here's hoping my son doesn't read this blog!

This year, so far...filtered.

2012 was going to be the year of the "no spilled coffee in the car." Now unfortunately, I'll have to wait until next year. (I should know better then to take the lid of my Starbucks, but darn it, there's a reason I order EXTRA WHIP!)

The year started off easy enough, I was blessed to see my parents at Christmas, I treasure every moment with them...and got to thinking how things change over the years...I put Skype on my parents computer last year...the hard sell is trying to get my mom and dad to use it...honestly, I have to beg them just to open the laptop...
Me: Just OPEN the computer...just DO IT! It's already on...just click the button that says answer with video...that's ALL YOU HAVE TO DO...just do it...

My DAD: Skype is spooky.

But get this...My mom use to talk my ear off for an hour, the phone would ring and I'd think "oh boy, I'm gonna be on this phone forever"...and my mom's favorite subject this time of the year is when the sun sets...this particular conversation starts about December 20th, the day before the shortest daylight of the year, where mom notes that after the 21st...daylight will start to swing the other way and every night the conversation would start out, today the sun set at 4:22p but tomorrow it'll set at 4:20p so we're going to gain another 2 minutes...but I've also noticed in the last couple of months as my mom struggles with breathing that it's changed...after 10 minutes my mom wants off the phone, and I'm egging her on, "so what time does the sun set this afternoon?"

It's crazy how you can leave the house and everything is OK, everything fine, and then you peek at your facebook at work only to see that your daughter put this post on your wall:

Hey Mom,
Dog is sick and had a few problems with bathroom troubles as well as vomiting. Just want you to beware. Not sure if I should give him anything or what.

Well, the good news is that we had just got our tax return. The bad news, husband wanted to spend it on a new bath tub, and I wanted to spend it on our sick dog. The sick dog won...and 600 dollars and 10 pulled teeth later, the dog is in excellent condition and as long as I can get him to take his blood pressure medication (which is easy if you have peanut butter), life should be a breeze...until the next hiccup...


It's been a weird weather year...50's in February??? 80's in March...(is it going to snow July 4---who knows?) Don't know exactly what mother nature is planning for us...so I go to work totally prepared...I wear my boots for snow, bring my umbrella for rain, and my bat...just in case a random game of softball breaks out.

Back to my parents, this past weekend I was in the emergency room Saturday night with my dad when the nurse asked my dad "so how many cigarettes do you smoke?" My dad says "1-3' and the nurse goes "cigarettes?" To which my dad replies "packs...1-3 packs" (a day)...the nurse gasps to which my dad goes..."but it's OK, their filtered..."

My personal snap thoughts of 2011

There are four months I literally live for...May, June, July and August...the rest are just filler months...kind of like eating a lettuce before your big steak dinner...yes, salad is nice, but it's really just there to give the chef a chance to grill the steak--which in my case--is seriously just a couple of minutes. Now, back to my true love...my "next year's garden..." Named "next year garden" because maybe next year...I'll get it right...however, this year...

I ignored my garden for one week, and the mint plants took over! Who wants mojitos?

This was a really challenging year as far as gardens went...hot, cold, rainy, dry, early frost, it seemed like I was forever heading outdoors to lay blankets on my plants, but since I only had so many blankets...I started to feel a little like "Sophie's Choice..." which plants do I save and which do I let freeze?

I have an 86 year old neighbor I adore; one Sunday morning in August as she was walking her dog (and I was attempting to make sense of my yard) she shared that her nieces accused her of criticizing their yard to which she replied "you know I wouldn't do that unless I was asked for my opinion...for instance, you (me) need to weed your garden, but I would never tell you unless you asked." (My neighbor Violet is 86, and she can say whatever she wants to me...but that was so damn funny I had to share that with you!!!)



A few year's ago I had a cable show with a friend of mine called Rockin' The Cable Show on West Allis Cable channel 14...this year it was renamed Brew City Bands and it's a show that honors the hardworking Milwaukee area bands that maybe, you don't really hear too much about but their out there busting their behinds bringing you great music, and they deserve to be recognized. This is the Tony Memmel band with Tony's beautiful wife Lesleigh, Tony, myself, and Brian Favour. I was also blessed to have my beautiful friend (since 1988!!!) and incredibly talented singer Ronnie Nyles with Tallulah Who, Brian Smith and his (Johnny Cash) tribute band God's Outlaw, Craig Omick who just blew the roof off of our 72nd and Greenfield studio in West Allis with GROOVE NATION; The pride of William's Bay, Wisconsin, and international singer who now lives in Chicago, Martha Berner...and the band Genuine Drive who just blew me away this summer at the Wisconsin State Fair, they're just incredible so I begged and stalked them and finally got them on the show. Paul Kuhn was another delight, and he has a song that should be Milwaukee's official theme--Springtime in Milwaukee;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKWLX-H6_Qc
...Brew City Bands is aired every Thursday at 5p and then again at 9p, and then again Friday morning at 3am and 2p. Starting next week (after January 1st) you'll be able to get the show in New Berlin.


This was a picture my friend Brian McNary posted on his facebook page a couple of months before he passed away from pancreatic cancer on May 21, 2011. He was a friend I had known since high school, and one who, thanks to facebook, got back in touch with me a year before he passed, and for that I'm grateful. When I was laid off over a year ago, he sent me funny jokes, and could always put a smile on my face. What a blessing, and what a loss his death was, to his friends, family, and kitty.

A dear friend of mine from Green Bay, Hal Greene fought two different cancers and passed away July 26, 2011. The problem with following your dreams in radio is in order to stay employed you have to move far away from family with no one to help you when you work overnight shifts and have young children. Hal and his angel wife Lori, stepped in and were family to us--there is no way I would've survived Green Bay with children without them. And I'm glad Hal lived long enough to see his garden again...like me, he lived for the summer.

Rocky McGrorty...close family friend who fearlessly battled stage four melanoma for years...shortly before he started to lose his battle (August 15), he insisted on running in the Sampson Stomp race at the Zoo this past winter...I can't type anymore about him, I'm just too sad.

There was another graduation party this year...



My baby girl grew up and I dropped her off for her first day of college, and I was thinking about the first time she went to kindergarten and just how much I cried, because it meant she was growing up. And I cried today...because I just saw the bill!

I had another birthday and I'm another year older and not ashamed to admit my age...29! And I have no trouble believing this lie as long as I don't look in a mirror, or step on a scale, or stand in the same room as my grandson when he's looking at me and yelling "GRANDMA!"

I really discovered that I have so much to be thankful for...friends, family, great job, and I have no right to complain or gripe about anything...I don't know if I could've handled what my sister-in-law's sisters went through this past year in Japan. Joyce is a Baptist missionary in Japan and June and her family live in Fukushima, Japan, where the damaged nuclear power plant was...after the earthquake there was no food to buy, and the only water they had was what they put in their bathtub right after the earthquake...they were not affected by the tsunami but the power plant, well, that was another story.

Earlier this year Bristol Palin, the daughter of Sarah, wrote her autobiography at age 20!!! I'll tell you what my autobiography at age 20 would've said..."overslept this morning, again!...gas just went up to 45 cents a gallon...who can afford to drive anymore?"....um, I was 20 a LONG time ago...If I wrote it today it would read simply, blessed.

God bless you,

Love,

Cindy

In Praise of Nothing Special 2011

I remember the night we took this picture...it was sometime in late fall of 2004 and I picked up some KFC for supper...and just for the heck of it, I pulled out the camera and snapped some shots of everybody.


My stepson Mark, (he's the cute kid sitting next to my daughter whose sticking her tongue out) asked me "why are you taking pictures, nothing special is going on" to which I replied "exactly, that's why I'm taking pictures." I mean, there wasn't any particular reason to be taking pictures except maybe that disposable camera had been sitting on top of the TV for half a year and I was curious to see what I had taken pictures of, so I was gonna finish up the film and take it in to Walgreens...

But this morning when I was straightening up the house I happened upon this picture...and it suddenly took on a new meaning for me...there's my incredibly handsome--then 17 year old--stepson, sitting in the front room with his brother and stepsister enjoying original recipe chicken and mashed potatoes...nothing special...he's probably thinking about how he's going to convince his dad and me to let him go out with his friends for a couple of hours, we're gonna tell him we really don't think it's wise on a school night and he's always gone anyway and why doesn't he just stay put for one night and hang with the family...then he's going to complain we're too strict and that he stayed home a couple of nights ago and maybe he'll stay home tomorrow and c'mon, it's just for a couple of hours he'll be home by ten.

Four years after this picture was taken he was in Al Asad, Iraq...it was his second tour of duty then....he told his dad, mom, and me that he was going to what they called Camp Cupcake which was suppose to reassure us that he was going to be safe, which he probably was while he was on the base...the year before he was on his first tour of Iraq, he told us he was going to be guarding a water tank and it turned out to be a lie...he was the guy in back of the machine gun on top of a hummer guarding a convoy...this time around he was the one inside the Humvee driving...

Six years after this picture was taken he was on his very first tour of Afghanistan, the Helmund Province which he told us was actually quite beautiful, and what we later learned from watching Fox News, incredibly dangerous. Seven years after this photo, he's back on US soil, grateful to be alive, and married...yeah, my stepson got married this year to an incredible woman, Melissa, and we sure love her...his dad and me are so thankful for his life, grateful that it didn't end on foreign shores as so many of his friends did, and tonight we'll say a prayer thanking God, but also offering up prayers for other families whose son's and daughter's are on other shores, serving their country.

So this picture is just a snapshot of a "nothing special" night in late fall of 2004...a another boring night where nothing special was going on...and I'm glad I got a picture of it.

My buddy's thoughts on last night's CMA's

So this morning I get an email from my buddy Bill on his highlights, low lights, or peculiarities that he observed from last night's CMA Awards. As he says, "Please keep in mind that i don't mean to be overcritical or over-the-top. These were just my thoughts":

Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood are great hosts. Seem very down to earth, unpolished, and casual throughout the night. (Cindy's thought...I was impressed by both of them...I love Reba's hosting but you know what...I want to see them pair Brad and Carrie again)

The opening skit involved a parody of Hank Williams Jr.'s "All My Rowdy Friends" song regarding how Bocephus stepped into trouble this year with his remarks about Obama. Very funny stuff. Loved Bocephus' stern "Nothing to say" when asked if he had anything to say. (Cindy's thought...BRILLIANT! To have skipped what happened to Hank Junior earlier this fall would've been an "epic failure" of imagination on the writer's part)

Carrie Underwood has the best legs of any female star, tv, movie, or genre of music. (Cindy's thought...no comment)

What is the fascination with Taylor Swift that justifies another "Entertainer of the Year Award"? I get that she is refreshing, talented, and appeals to younger fans but "best entertainer"? I think not. Her performances too are getting to be a bit too "intimate"...almost odd. (Cindy's thought...like her or not, her concerts sell out and in this economy that's saying something)

Why does it seem that once these shows get started, it seems apparent that the judges or voters seem to zero-in on a particular band or artist and they win everything. Last night, it was "Band Perry". I realize they had a hit song this year, "If I Die Young", which is an odd but okay song but to win as many awards as they did over some very highly-received nominees is just weird. Happens every year though...next year, Band Perry may not win a single award. (Cindy's thought...a question as old as Adam and Eve...or at least it just feel's that way...but I saw it more as a changing of the guard as far as country music's sound is concerned--just what we saw in the 80's when Crystal Gayle and Kenny Rogers stopped winning awards because Reba McEntire and George Strait and Randy Travis were winning them...the entire sound of country went from a--for a lack of a better word "middle of the road" to traditional...and I saw almost the same thing last night although I'd say it was a change from Country "rock" or "adult contemporary" to dare I say it...traditional...what's old is new again--I think Perry's got at least another great year ahead of them)

Then Kenny Loggins appearing with Blake Shelton during the opening song of "Footloose" was kind of nostalgic. Brought back memories of Caddyshack...wonder if Kenny Loggins would appreciate that or not. Blake Shelton is a riot. (Cindy's thought...LOVE Blake Shelton...that's why he's on my twitter feed)

It was great to see Greg Allman appear with the Zach Brown Band on a rendition of Ray Charles' "Georgia on My Mind". He appears to be in much better health than he was last year at the Pabst. Rather disappointed in Zach Brown that they chose to do this song rather than one of their hits from the past year. (Cindy's thought...while I agree with you in part on Zach Brown...sometime's it's straying from the script that creates magic...I'm thinking specifically of the year Mary Chapin Carpenter strayed from her minor barely nominated hit and sang her brilliant (and infamous) "I'm Your Opening Act..." She stole the entire show and it immediately upped her asking tour price a few thousand bucks)

Not a Rascal Flatts fan but whoever the woman was that singing with Rascal's lead singer sounded remarkably like Justin Bieber (who actually recorded the song w/Rascal Flatts) and was entertaining simply because she appeared to have been rolled into a carpet remnant and walked onto stage. (Cindy's thought... Natasha Bendingfield--"and the rest is just unwritten")

Luke Bryan...for the love of all that is holy, lose the skinny jeans! (Cindy's thought...disagree...LOVE the skinny jeans...;)...)

Little Jimmy Dickens portraying Justin Bieber was pretty lame... (Cindy's thought...I don't know...if that's the only way they'll bring Jimmy back on I say do it)

Lionel Richie is attempting to crossover to country music now? Hootie (Darius Rucker) is awesome and saw him at Country Thunder this past summer....Lionel, i don't think that is going to be as good of a story. (Cindy's thought...Hey youngster, no dissing my man Lionel...You can look all the way back to the 80's to see his work with Alabama's number one "Deep River Woman" plus Kenny Roger's number one "Lady" another country hit Lionel wrote.)


Sugarland's Jennifer Nettles has a great voice although it can be annoying to me at times. Her performance with some dude, Matt Nathanson, was a bit disturbing and odd. Never heard or saw this guy before but after watching him last night, I now know that i never want to hear or see this guy again. Some odd cross between Dave Matthews, John Mayer, and Axel Rose. (Cindy's thought... blatant attempt to attract people who don't listen to country)

Martina McBride's performance about the breast cancer situation was pretty strong.

The tribute to Glen Campbell was pretty good however, they seemed to cut away from him before he could vocally acknowledge the tribute. Perhaps, his medical condition is making it difficult and they were trying to not embarrass him but i thought it would have been nice to hear a few words from him. He was trying to strum his guitar but there were no hot mics on for him (unlike Obama who can't seem to get away from the hot mics!). (Cindy's thought...according to Glen's wife, Glen is entering the middle stage of his Alzheimer disease, and as much as I would've liked to hear what he had to say, the reality is he could've come off as confused which would've been a painful way to conclude his award show legacy, for example the state of California has taken away his driver's license which Glen is still unaware of...)

What is the attraction of Faith Hill? Don't like her music, singing, and really don't think she's that "hot"...very thin and too much makeup. (Cindy's thought...I've actually met Faith--right before she hit with Wild One--she is a sweetie...plus, I'd never been able to get my husband to watch the CMA's without her!)

Bill Markut

On trying to lose 6 pounds for a free facelift

I need to lose SIX POUNDS by Monday! After all those years of begging radio sales people to fix me up with a client that does facelifts, I now find I can get a free one by being a volunteer for a research company in Chicago....Here's the ONLY problem...I discovered this last night...when I gave this company my present weight, they said I qualified but not to be one pound over as I am at the UPPER end of their BMI...no problem, right?...Well, last night my stepson casually mentions to his dad that our scale is off SIX POUNDS! That whatever the scale says, it's actually SIX POUNDS HEAVIER!!! I'm SCREWED!! I need to lose SIX POUNDS by Monday...Any ideas?

This is what I posted on my facebook link last Friday...and as a professional dieter I should've known better, well, actually I DO know better..."eat less, exercise more..." No seriously, I need a quicker, easier way (and I need it by Monday) and for that...I went to all my good buddies on facebook and learned something about myself that I'm not real proud of...when desperate to lose weight...I'll try anything...once...so on Saturday it was the all day apple diet...which, is exactly what you would think of something called apple followed by the words diet...I ate nothing but apples...this started around 10 Saturday morning and ended around Saturday at 2p...just about the time for my airshift on Big Buck Country 106.9...the problem is, it's almost impossible to down massive amounts of coffee required for radio while eating nothing but apples...even if their Honey Crisps (I should've gone with my first instinct and bought the Braeborns...braeborns go with everything).

Later that evening I headed to the one place that has everything for someone desperate to lose weight in the shortest amount of time possible without using their brain, logic, or common sense...Walgreens...God bless them! I got one of those 48 hour miracle diet fasts...lose 10 pounds by drinking nothing but water mixed with this product...sure, it takes the fun out of the weekend...no fun Packer food or beer, but it turned out to be no big deal as if you actually do this diet, you're gonna be spending all your time in the bathroom anyway. So by Monday, 10 pounds lighter, I now qualified to be a guinea pig for this free chin lipo, although, had they been offering free experimental colonoscopy's, I would've qualified for that too.

Is it proper to flip AND honk?

My daughter and I got into a heated discussion this morning as I was driving her to college and some piece of crap deliberately cut me off (on College Ave)...Having not smoked a cigarette in almost a month I took this act a little harder then normal and my daughter told me that while she thought it was OK to honk at the moron it was not OK to flip him off...I disagree...I feel that you have to combine the two or it's not as effective...thoughts?

I have never adjusted to living in the Upper Midwest...I say adjusted...what I really mean is since the day I was born I have never learned to appreciate this climate (fruitlessly crossing my fingers and hoping for climate change) and referring to late fall as "television season" and last night I opted to killing off an entire evening of my life watching a MAN VS. FOOD Marathon...and here's my dilemma on a Wednesday; Do I go into the kitchen and prepare something fried and horribly bad for me, stick it between a hogie and chow it down in under 10 minutes? Or do I drive to McDonald's and order the dollar salad?

This is not a vicious turtle unless your a worm, a cricket, or a strawberry.

Like everyone else, I couldn't believe what happened in Ohio last week with some nut job releasing 60-some wild animals into suburbia before taking his life...HUNGRY LIONS! BENGAL TIGERS! I knew it was bad when they brought in Jack Hanna (he's not just for cute and cuddly baby animals!--yes, I bought all his video's when my kids were young). But in the midst of all that horror...one thing made me laugh...yes, laugh...when the Ohio police were warning people to stay inside they also told people if they did have to go outside, and if they did actually run into one of the wild animals...DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! Because when I come face to face with a hungry Bengal tiger, the last thing I'm gonna do is RUN! I would be better off lighting up a Camel while waiting for the inevitable and by the way, WHY did I quit smoking? Oh, that's right, for my health, which wouldn't be an issue if I was about to be eaten by a tiger, although, it might for the tiger, particularly if he was concerned about his cholesterol.

I have a friend named Tom who operates a reptile rescue in West Allis and a few months ago he told me something that absolutely chilled me to the bone. He had a client ask him how to purchase water moccasins. They're snakes by the way...venomous, nasty and not very good tempered animals, if they were humans they'd be the creep who cut me off this morning on College Avenue. Anyway, this guy wanted to buy a couple and my friend Tom said "are you crazy?" Short answer...yes, the guy WAS CRAZY and bought a couple and put them in his BATHROOM!!! A month or two later this idiot call's my friend Tom back..."can you get rid of the water moccasins...they keep trying to kill me?" Even worse, the dude told Tom if he couldn't help him, he would release them in a forest preserve!!! Tom said he couldn't believe it...he told the guy "do you realize if you do that, those two snake will kill everything they come in contact, everything, kids, pets...everything!" Tom was eventually able to get rid of the snakes for this idiot...but still, scary isn't it...these idiots are out there...THANK GOD for people like Tom and if you can, stop by and visit his reptile rescue...Tom keeps our parks free from reptiles which is weird, if you think of it.

http://swordsanddreams.gotpetsonline.com/

Loss, Love, One Turtle and Pajama Jeans

I can tell you exactly what the weather was like one year ago...it was a perfect fall day...couldn't have been any prettier with the leaves changing and a warm breeze...

My friend died a year ago today of complications from leukemia...and she'd kick my butt if I sat here and wrote a sad tribute to her here...and besides that, there is no way I could top what her family wrote about her;

Susan (Spring) Cotch, 49, of Aurora, died October 5, 2010 at Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge, Ill., of complications from leukemia. It was during her childhood, when her Grandma Rose gave her her first cooking lesson, that she developed her lifelong love affair with food and its preparation. For Sue, life was to be savored and enjoyed. She found fun in everything and was part of a large group of friends and family that felt the same. Cooking was her passion and she was legendary for her entertaining skills, from the special dishes she created to the one-of-a-kind extras that made each dinner an event, and not just a meal. She also loved camping, traveling and exploring the world. For Sue, there was no finer reading material than a new cookbook. Her life-long love of French cooking and Paris fueled her own misguided fantasy that she herself was, indeed, French.

Seriously, is that the most awesome tribute ever? When I die, I want Sue's family to write my obituary...because if they don't, it may look something like this;

Cindy Huber passed away on ----, although it was hard to tell as she still continued to show up to work each day...although she was a little later then usual...Cindy loved HGTV, in particular House Hunters and, on occasion, House Hunter International, particularly in the winter when there was little else to do, and she especially hated walking the dogs in the cold air as she had to bundle them up in their little doggie outfits and they would skirm and fight her and it just sucked really. It got even worse for her once she gave up smoking, as then there really was nothing to look forward to when she walked the dogs, as she was now truly, just the person holding the poop bag, behind the dogs. Cindy also hated it when they moved the television show Survivor to Wednesday as it really screwed up the week for her and she kept forgetting it was on. Cindy really loved her DVR as she could finally tape Survivor, although she would often forget to watch it. Cindy had very few regrets but if pressed would admit that she wished she would've checked to see how long box turtles lived before she agreed to let her son have one, as she spent nearly half her life cleaning out the turtle cage. She also wished she had bought a pair of "pajama jeans" as it sounded like a really cool idea and she loved wearing pajamas, especially flannel ones that had pictures of polar bears. To Cindy, there was no diet plan that she wouldn't try, at least once, and amazingly not one of those diets ever included the words "eat less, excercise more," but more then likely included a Snickers bar and a Diet Coke. Cindy loved Jesus, her husband, her children, her grandkids, her parents, her brothers, her brother's wives and her nieces and nephews...she cherished her friends, enjoyed weather shows about tornadoes, and 3 pm naps on the couch. She joins her grandparents, her treasured friends, and quite a few dogs and cats, and hamsters. The box turtle outlived her.

The Adventures of F-Man and D-Minus boy!

Today I watched my first born drive away to college without a glance in his rear view mirror...which is just as well as who wants to see their mom crying and chasing his car down the street "come back child, come back!" OK, I didn't do that, but only because my son warned me not to...It's not the whole "he's leaving and never coming back..." It's more what his leaving represents...change...the genie's out of the bottle now and there's no sense trying to put the cork back on...especially if it's a fine bottle of merlot...but it got me thinking of how fast time roars by...just four years ago my son (and beloved stepson) were in a different phase of their life...as potential action figures--THE ADVENTURES OF F MAN and D MINUS BOY!!!

I got my kids report cards today. To say I'm pissed is putting it mildly...my stepson informed me that he doesn't have time to study and get good grades because "he's not going to be young forever and he doesn't want to waste his youth." That's right...that's what he said. Since grounding my kid's isn't one of my options...because I'd be the one stuck at home making sure they don't try sneak out of the house...honestly, with grades like these I'm gonna be stuck at home with them for the next 20 years anyway...So, instead of getting upset I have decided instead to think of them AS:

SUPER ACTION FIGURES! ...and i'm going to call it;

THE ADVENTURES OF F MAN AND D MINUS BOY!

My son's are a couple of action figures who soar through the air trying to fight crime and save the world...BUT, with a unique perspective...for instance... in episode number one the dynamic duo is relaxing at home with a lot of time on their hands (since they're skipping school) when suddenly they hear a victim screaming for help as he slowly sinks in quicksand "Help me help me" he screams..."oh wait, it's you, F man and D minus boy...um, never mind...i'll save myself."

My baby started college last week, and I couldn't help but think back to the good old days (for me anyway), when Sara wouldn't ask me for help with her homework, but I'd offer anyway;

I suck at my kid's homework! Since i went to school (which was about one hundred years ago, back when the dinosauers ruled) math and just about everything else seems to have gotten harder and I was pretty much obsolete as far as my kids homework was concerned right around the time they hit first grade!

That's why i was so excited when my daughter told me she had to do a paper on Earth Day. How cool is that? If there was one thing I majored in, it was writing about ten pages of crap on just about anything as long as it didn't include math! So when my daughter showed me "her" paper, i set about correcting and adding on to it as best I could...here's what she wrote:

Dear Earth, happy birthday! I can't believe your 210 million years old already. It was just yesterday that you were in the Jurassic period of your life. I remember that your super continent, pangea, was already starting to drift apart. I also remember the first land plants that you grew...the life that your plants gave was amazing! You had animals such as plated stegasaurs, brachiosaurs and many more animals. You also had the first birds like the pterosaurs and even the early mammals. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, Love, Sara.



Now here's what i wrote:

Dear Earth, happy birthday! I can't believe your 210 million years old already when you don't look a day over 29...ok, ok, just kidding, those lines on your face, barely noticable. Probably during your jurassic period. That was because your super continent, Pangea was already starting to drift apart, probably because of too much sun. I told you to use more sunscreen! I love your first land plants! The ginkgoes i buy in a bottle...they were on sale at Walgreens last week, pretty cheap. My little dog Max would have a ball barking at your ptersaurs. That is, if they didn't eat him first. Have fun on your birthday, but don't party too hard...remember your last hangover the ice age...that really sucked! Love, Cindy

My daughter no longer asks me for help with her homework.

This is the boring my Aunt met Elvis story

My husband doesn't get my fascination with all things Elvis...but honestly, I love Elvis because I feel like I met him...I mean, I didn't, but my aunt did, and it's quite a story;

My Uncle Jim was in the Army with Elvis and when they got done with (if memory serves me right-basic training or some kind of training...they had been gone awhile-but I don't think Elvis had gone to Germany yet)...so my Uncle Jim and Elvis were getting some time off and my Aunt (who had no idea that Jim was serving along side Elvis-years later my uncle told me he didn't think it was any big deal, he didn't listen much to music anyway) was waiting in a little cabin (the kind where you had a little kitchenette, and hung your wash on the line-this was the 50's you know)...Next to her cabin was a kind older couple, and a young good looking hottie named Anita...who told my aunt she was waiting for her boyfriend "Elvie" to get back...my aunt thought the older couple (at least the mom) looked vaguely familiar but maybe it's kind of like the Kenny Rogers theory...when men get to a certain age, they all start looking like Kenny Rogers...Anyway, they were together a few days before the "fellas" got back, and my aunt got to know Anita and "Gladys" pretty well...So the day the boys returned while my aunt and Anita were sunning themselves my aunt got the shock of her life...Elvie, was Elvis...and Elvis immediately asked my Aunt what-for anyone else would've been a safe question;

Elvis: "Whose your favorite singer?"
My Aunt: "Pat Boone."

My Aunt said Elvis looked momentarily stunned and then started laughing and patted her on the head and replied, "you know, Pat's a good singer too." His girlfriend at the time, Anita Wood (Colonel Parker later forced Elvis to break up with her) thought it was funnier then heck, BUT when Elvis's mom Gladys heard about it, she didn't think it was funny, and never spoke to my Aunt again.

ps...years later, whenever someone made a "not quite bright" comment, we'd reply..."Pat Boone."

Top 5 Teenager Names

There's a new list out of popular baby names by the people who put of lists of every things...this year, the top 5 baby boy names are from number 5 to number 1; William, Jayden, Michael, Ethan, and Jacob...same order with top baby girls names; Ava, Olivia, Emma, Sophia, and Isabella at number one...

But something strange happens when those cute little babies become teenagers...you can't call those same names you named them at birth because they don't answer you...which is why, once your babies hit their teen years, it's simply easier to rename them...which I did, and here, from number 5 to number 1...

My TOP 5 TEENAGER NAMES

5. Stop Texting and Look at Me when I'm Talking to you!
4. Don't Give me that look!
3. No, you can't!
2. You're grounded!

And drum roll please....

1. Got a job yet?

Happy Mother's Day MOM!!!
Love ya,
Cindy

Old dogs, children and watermellon wine

My mom called me with the saddest news last week...my grandma's dog Vicki 2 (yes, there was a Vicki 1, thanks for asking)-who has been living with my parents since my grandma died in 2006, had collapsed in the front room on a Wednesday night and couldn't get up...Vicki 2 was in pain, whining and struggling, and my mom (who has congestive heart failure) was unable to help her...

It was just, how do I say this, the call from hell, my mom was crying, I was crying...this being a small Iowan town, there was no overnight emergency pet hospital, so my mom-bless her-gave Vicki 2 a half of her pain pill...believe it or not, a half hour later, Vicki 2 dragged herself outdoors to do her business and back in (think about that; the dog had to go but refused to wet in the house-how's that for dog of the year?)...but the decision was made, Vicki was unable to lift herself up without help and it was time to broil a T-bone steak for her last supper...yeah, that's how we prepare our pets for their last night on earth, and because my parents have half a cow in their freezer...as you do, in Iowa...Vicki was 3 quarters of her way to the pearly gates...

A little history on this dog; my grandma didn't want another dog after the first Vicki died (of diabetes...she was a 30 pound chihuahua which grandma inadvertently overfed with people food, and in Vicki's final years my grandma-a former nurse-had to give her dog insulin shots to keep her alive.) But a couple of months later my mom heard of a young chow whose snout was apparently used to put out cigarettes (the fur still has never grown back), and my grandma grumbled that she was too old (at 92) to be taking in another dog...but when Vicki settled down on her lap and fixed grandma with her round little "please take me home and I will love you always" eyes...Score: Dog won, Grandma 1 dog...so for the last five years of grandma's life, Vicki 2 was her security system both in love and companionship...grandma wouldn't let my children-- and me sit on certain chairs in her house, but was cheerfully oblivious to the dog chewing holes into the wood and fabric...I didn't comment on any of that, the dog was loved, my grandma was happy...win-win for everyone...In grandma's final months, she worried what would happen to Vicki as her inevitable was approaching...I offered to take Vick-she was an especially loving pet...but after my grandma died there was no way my mom would give up Vicki, and So Vicki has spent the last 5 years being over loved, and overfed, and just like the Vicki 1, a myriad health problems thanks to a life filled with Iams dog food, doggy treats, and grilled cheese sandwiches.

That Thursday morning I wore my biggest sun glasses for the drive to work so I could sob in the car without worrying about people staring at me. I stayed in my studio all day, I didn't want to try to explain my teary red eyes and later, with a headache from hell, called my mom to ask how it went down for Vicki 2...

"Oh she's fine," said my mom, "the doctor gave her some steroids and she's actually moving around and wagging her tail."

I had a glass of wine, took a couple of Excedrin Migraine's and went to bed.

When it's springtime in Milwaukee, it's 40 below

I don't think there's anything prettier then snow softly falling on a pine tree, as long as that pine tree is something your watching on your cable channel, from somewhere where it's 78 degrees, and your feet are sweating...

I'm not sure it's ever going to be spring here, since Groundhog's Day was canceled this past February..."If they cancel Groundhog Day and the groundhog see's his shadow, does that mean we still get six more weeks of winter?" The answer, apparently, is yes, with bonus days thrown in, just to p*ss everyone off...that's the real reason everyone is protesting at the capitol, there's just nothing else to do...I'm all for the state of Wisconsin collectively bargaining 2 days off in Florida for everyone, every winter!

Winter just seems like it's been too long this year, most nights I needed a nap just so I'd have the strength to get off the couch to go to bed.

The Packers won the Super Bowl this year(!!!) so winter didn't officially start until the week before Valentine's Day, which would've been OK if the husband had actually bought some Valentine chocolates which he didn't;

Me: Honey, where is my chocolates?
Hubby: Are you kidding? We blew it all on the Packer Party last week!

Now that we're in the season of Easter, such trivial matters of what I didn't get for Valentine's Day no longer seem important...although, last year I gave up chocolate for Lent and well, that didn't work out real well, so this year I'm just giving up being thin! Look, if Charlie Sheen can conquer his addictions with his mind, I can conquer my willpower with chocolate donuts!

And I can celebrate Easter the best way that I can...with the Girl Scout Thin Mints I found in my husbands sock drawer where he tried to hide them--silly husband--I can smell mint cookies from a mile away and anyway, look, if he truly didn't want me to find them, he should've put the Thin Mints on top of the brand spankin' new Ab Exerciser, I'd never find them there.

It's been a weird winter so far, and I chalk that up to the Chinese Calender where it's officially the year of the Rabbit, it's also what's on the menu!

Anyway, what can you expect out of a year that starts out with the entire Zodiac Calender being changed...for real...for years I've been a disorganized, perfectionist Virgo, but NOW I find out that I'm really a uncomplicated and disciplined Leo...honestly, who believes this crap?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I smell cookies...

(picture taken by my friend Karen Trucks Karl-who makes winter almost look well, pretty.)

My Christmas News letter this year

Some people are annoyed by the annual Christmas news letter, the one that lists all the apparently awesome things that happened to that family this year...the "my Billy excelled at Harvard" or, "my little Amanda took number one in the fire eating contest..." OK, I never got a Christmas letter that started out like that but fire eating contest! Wouldn't that be awesome? Anyway, put me down as a fan in the I love the annual Christmas news letters...

Look, there's so much bad happening all over the country, the fact that at least someone's family had a good time this year gives me hope! Although, at my house, all my kids were awesome! So here is my Christmas News letter this year, feel free to share with all your loser friends...; ) ...I'm kidding of course, don't share!!!

My oldest son finally realized his passion this year...growing pot, I'm thinking bible school wasn't the right fit for him...BUT...there IS a school for growing pot...Oaksterdam University in Oakland, California, where they have the highest quality training for cannibis-according to the brochure and yes, I couldn't be prouder...sadder yet, this is probably the son I'm gonna have to borrow money from in my old age.

I turned 50 this year...what? Shut up, really?

I'd like to moan and complain about that but while I was busy getting older, my girlfriend was busy battling cancer for her life. She lost her battle shortly after I hit my milestone. Her sister dedicated a facebook page for all her friends to reminisce, and yesterday I read the nicest story about my Sue from Angelia Diaz;

I remember my first meeting with her. It was my interview as prep cook for "let's dish catering" I sat at this long table near the kitchen. Sick too, I was coming down with a cold. I was so scared that she was going to turn me away because I was feeling under the weather and I wasn't thinking clearly to show her the best side of me. Instead, she gave me soup. Chicken noodle soup. It was the best thing I ate that day. I never expected her call a few days later. I was so excited.

That, totally sums up my friend Sue.

Also this year, I lost my job, quit smoking and started up again about a hundred times, was hired at an awesome "classic country station," ended up with a new dog, found out I'm gonna be a grandma again and learned my cholesterol is 296. That's for another newsletter, another day.

Merry Christmas and much love,

Cindy Huber

My brush with greatness, and how I screwed it up

Leslie Nielsen passed away yesterday, he was 84.

I had a chance to interview him for my college newspaper (before Airplane came out). He was playing Harry Truman in a one man play at the Paramount in Aurora, Illinois...either 1979 or 1980. I had never heard of him but my mom was super excited because she loved him as the villain in her favorite soap (that's soap operas to you kids under 30), and my college Spanish teacher was excited because Leslie was his favorite bad guy in a lot of television shows. Stupid kid that I was (college freshman-like that's an excuse, I was a not very bright college freshman), I sat down with him, turned on my cassette recorder, and interviewed him-lots of (now very embarrassing) interview 101 questions;

Hi Leslie, do you like playing bad guys?
Are you married?
How many kids do you have?

Leslie was so kind, he gave me very generous answers-because, perhaps, I was a sweet little 19 year old blond wearing a skirt with a slit in it (disco wasn't dead yet) OR because he realized there was no way I was asking him anything I could use for my newspaper article and he was a very kind man with daughters my age.

Then, at the end of the interview, I thanked him for his time and asked, "Now, do you have any questions you want to ask me?" I remember he gave me a very quizzical look, and said "No," and then preceded to invite me to his play. If he meant anything in his invitation I was too stupid to pick up on it; I told him I had to work that night, but then asked him for his autograph (which I gave to my Spanish teacher! because he had begged me to get one for him), turned off my little cassette tape recorder and went back to school where I typed up my article. The next week I taped over his interview on some stupid new interview I did. When my mom heard I did that she was LIVID!!! She told me I would regret it, yeah, sure, whatever mom.

Then, a few months later, there was that actor I interviewed on the big screen, AIRPLANE!

My mom was right.

I Miss my friend

My girlfriend Sue is in big trouble. She's been fighting cancer since April and up until this week, we thought she was going to beat it. Today, we're not so sure. This comes as a complete shock to her friends and family, all who know Sue to be a fighter and a winner. When I first found out she had this cancer (via her facebook entry), I wasn't worried at all because she had already beaten cancer once before, and that was seven years ago. Plus, maybe it's the way she broke the news..."hey everyone I'm going to lose weight..."

Sue's a chef who had her own catering business "Let's Dish (ttp://www.lets-dish.com/)." I say "had" because her family recently contacted her clients to tell them that she was in rough shape.

Sue is the kind of friend...how do I put this...tough, tender, sweet, sassy, strong, demanding, hardcore left of left Democrat, incredibly loyal and funnier then heck...OK, hell...yeah, that's Sue. If I had even half of Sue's personality, I'd be incredibly rich and famous with a couple of Oscars under my belt. You see, Sue's the kind of person that didn't sit around and wish...she just...did. Want to live in Chicago next to Wrigley field? She did. Want to take cooking lessons in France, Sue did. Want to drive through the Alps, Sue did, although she told me she was so scared she promised God if she survived she would go back to church...she did, at Christmas time.

Seven years ago she beat sarcoma, although the radiation and chemo she got was so strong she was warned that she could possibly develop leukemia, although the chances were rare. When I saw her at her sister's 50th this past February, she was telling me that the doctors told her she was cured because it was over seven years. She was the picture of health, she had broiled several (over 30 at least) of filet mignons with a delicious dipping sauce and a ton of other stuff that she had prepared. (This was not unusual for Sue, who not only catered her sister's wedding, but her own as well!) Then April...now this. Her sister emailed me today to tell me that things are bad, her blood pressure and lung capacity is dropping, and the doctors have called a family conference for tomorrow to "make some decisions."

Everything is reminding of Sue today. Tonight, I saw a flock of geese heading south, and then another goose (solo)heading North and I teared up. I played Vince Gill's "Go Rest High on that Mountain" and darn near lost it on the air. Last Thursday I took part in an amazing prayer group...Sue's sister Sandie asked everyone to pray for Sue at exactly 10:30pm...and I truly felt God's presence, and I knew for sure Sue would be cured. Well...that didn't happen. I'm at a loss, because I know God heard us...

Earlier this year I read Alannah Hamilton's book about Farrah Fawcett's fight against her cancer, and about something Ryan O'Neal said when Farrah's fight was near the end, and that was how he wouldn't mind if Farrah stayed like that forever, just so she wouldn't leave. At the time I was like what, why would anyone want someone to stay in that condition, who would want to live like that...although today I totally understand what he meant. The thought of Sue leaving is worse then the thought of Sue being in her present condition, non-responsive and on a ventilator.

I miss my friend.


ps...Susan Spring Cotch passed away this morning, October 5, 2010.

If the kids are deaf...blame Sun chips!

I don't know if you saw the recent report where hearing loss is becoming more common in teenagers...according to what I saw on Headline News, one in five teenagers NOW have a hearing loss..I told this to my kids last night but they just said WHAT?

I said hearing loss...

What?

I said you can't hear!

What?

But now I think I know why! SUN CHIPS!

For real, the bags are too noisy. This is how crazy this is...scientist have actually done studies on the sound the bag makes when you open it (because scientist don't have any cancer to cure or whatever)...they studied the big Sun Chip bags, because the small snack bags aren't made with the same ingredients. The problem has something to do with the fact the bag is made from plant based materials...they're biodegradable...and apparently biodegradable is noisy...A problem I don't have when I open my Pringles canister.