Is it proper to flip AND honk?

My daughter and I got into a heated discussion this morning as I was driving her to college and some piece of crap deliberately cut me off (on College Ave)...Having not smoked a cigarette in almost a month I took this act a little harder then normal and my daughter told me that while she thought it was OK to honk at the moron it was not OK to flip him off...I disagree...I feel that you have to combine the two or it's not as effective...thoughts?

I have never adjusted to living in the Upper Midwest...I say adjusted...what I really mean is since the day I was born I have never learned to appreciate this climate (fruitlessly crossing my fingers and hoping for climate change) and referring to late fall as "television season" and last night I opted to killing off an entire evening of my life watching a MAN VS. FOOD Marathon...and here's my dilemma on a Wednesday; Do I go into the kitchen and prepare something fried and horribly bad for me, stick it between a hogie and chow it down in under 10 minutes? Or do I drive to McDonald's and order the dollar salad?

This is not a vicious turtle unless your a worm, a cricket, or a strawberry.

Like everyone else, I couldn't believe what happened in Ohio last week with some nut job releasing 60-some wild animals into suburbia before taking his life...HUNGRY LIONS! BENGAL TIGERS! I knew it was bad when they brought in Jack Hanna (he's not just for cute and cuddly baby animals!--yes, I bought all his video's when my kids were young). But in the midst of all that horror...one thing made me laugh...yes, laugh...when the Ohio police were warning people to stay inside they also told people if they did have to go outside, and if they did actually run into one of the wild animals...DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! Because when I come face to face with a hungry Bengal tiger, the last thing I'm gonna do is RUN! I would be better off lighting up a Camel while waiting for the inevitable and by the way, WHY did I quit smoking? Oh, that's right, for my health, which wouldn't be an issue if I was about to be eaten by a tiger, although, it might for the tiger, particularly if he was concerned about his cholesterol.

I have a friend named Tom who operates a reptile rescue in West Allis and a few months ago he told me something that absolutely chilled me to the bone. He had a client ask him how to purchase water moccasins. They're snakes by the way...venomous, nasty and not very good tempered animals, if they were humans they'd be the creep who cut me off this morning on College Avenue. Anyway, this guy wanted to buy a couple and my friend Tom said "are you crazy?" Short answer...yes, the guy WAS CRAZY and bought a couple and put them in his BATHROOM!!! A month or two later this idiot call's my friend Tom back..."can you get rid of the water moccasins...they keep trying to kill me?" Even worse, the dude told Tom if he couldn't help him, he would release them in a forest preserve!!! Tom said he couldn't believe it...he told the guy "do you realize if you do that, those two snake will kill everything they come in contact, everything, kids, pets...everything!" Tom was eventually able to get rid of the snakes for this idiot...but still, scary isn't it...these idiots are out there...THANK GOD for people like Tom and if you can, stop by and visit his reptile rescue...Tom keeps our parks free from reptiles which is weird, if you think of it.

http://swordsanddreams.gotpetsonline.com/

Loss, Love, One Turtle and Pajama Jeans

I can tell you exactly what the weather was like one year ago...it was a perfect fall day...couldn't have been any prettier with the leaves changing and a warm breeze...

My friend died a year ago today of complications from leukemia...and she'd kick my butt if I sat here and wrote a sad tribute to her here...and besides that, there is no way I could top what her family wrote about her;

Susan (Spring) Cotch, 49, of Aurora, died October 5, 2010 at Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge, Ill., of complications from leukemia. It was during her childhood, when her Grandma Rose gave her her first cooking lesson, that she developed her lifelong love affair with food and its preparation. For Sue, life was to be savored and enjoyed. She found fun in everything and was part of a large group of friends and family that felt the same. Cooking was her passion and she was legendary for her entertaining skills, from the special dishes she created to the one-of-a-kind extras that made each dinner an event, and not just a meal. She also loved camping, traveling and exploring the world. For Sue, there was no finer reading material than a new cookbook. Her life-long love of French cooking and Paris fueled her own misguided fantasy that she herself was, indeed, French.

Seriously, is that the most awesome tribute ever? When I die, I want Sue's family to write my obituary...because if they don't, it may look something like this;

Cindy Huber passed away on ----, although it was hard to tell as she still continued to show up to work each day...although she was a little later then usual...Cindy loved HGTV, in particular House Hunters and, on occasion, House Hunter International, particularly in the winter when there was little else to do, and she especially hated walking the dogs in the cold air as she had to bundle them up in their little doggie outfits and they would skirm and fight her and it just sucked really. It got even worse for her once she gave up smoking, as then there really was nothing to look forward to when she walked the dogs, as she was now truly, just the person holding the poop bag, behind the dogs. Cindy also hated it when they moved the television show Survivor to Wednesday as it really screwed up the week for her and she kept forgetting it was on. Cindy really loved her DVR as she could finally tape Survivor, although she would often forget to watch it. Cindy had very few regrets but if pressed would admit that she wished she would've checked to see how long box turtles lived before she agreed to let her son have one, as she spent nearly half her life cleaning out the turtle cage. She also wished she had bought a pair of "pajama jeans" as it sounded like a really cool idea and she loved wearing pajamas, especially flannel ones that had pictures of polar bears. To Cindy, there was no diet plan that she wouldn't try, at least once, and amazingly not one of those diets ever included the words "eat less, excercise more," but more then likely included a Snickers bar and a Diet Coke. Cindy loved Jesus, her husband, her children, her grandkids, her parents, her brothers, her brother's wives and her nieces and nephews...she cherished her friends, enjoyed weather shows about tornadoes, and 3 pm naps on the couch. She joins her grandparents, her treasured friends, and quite a few dogs and cats, and hamsters. The box turtle outlived her.

The Adventures of F-Man and D-Minus boy!

Today I watched my first born drive away to college without a glance in his rear view mirror...which is just as well as who wants to see their mom crying and chasing his car down the street "come back child, come back!" OK, I didn't do that, but only because my son warned me not to...It's not the whole "he's leaving and never coming back..." It's more what his leaving represents...change...the genie's out of the bottle now and there's no sense trying to put the cork back on...especially if it's a fine bottle of merlot...but it got me thinking of how fast time roars by...just four years ago my son (and beloved stepson) were in a different phase of their life...as potential action figures--THE ADVENTURES OF F MAN and D MINUS BOY!!!

I got my kids report cards today. To say I'm pissed is putting it mildly...my stepson informed me that he doesn't have time to study and get good grades because "he's not going to be young forever and he doesn't want to waste his youth." That's right...that's what he said. Since grounding my kid's isn't one of my options...because I'd be the one stuck at home making sure they don't try sneak out of the house...honestly, with grades like these I'm gonna be stuck at home with them for the next 20 years anyway...So, instead of getting upset I have decided instead to think of them AS:

SUPER ACTION FIGURES! ...and i'm going to call it;

THE ADVENTURES OF F MAN AND D MINUS BOY!

My son's are a couple of action figures who soar through the air trying to fight crime and save the world...BUT, with a unique perspective...for instance... in episode number one the dynamic duo is relaxing at home with a lot of time on their hands (since they're skipping school) when suddenly they hear a victim screaming for help as he slowly sinks in quicksand "Help me help me" he screams..."oh wait, it's you, F man and D minus boy...um, never mind...i'll save myself."

My baby started college last week, and I couldn't help but think back to the good old days (for me anyway), when Sara wouldn't ask me for help with her homework, but I'd offer anyway;

I suck at my kid's homework! Since i went to school (which was about one hundred years ago, back when the dinosauers ruled) math and just about everything else seems to have gotten harder and I was pretty much obsolete as far as my kids homework was concerned right around the time they hit first grade!

That's why i was so excited when my daughter told me she had to do a paper on Earth Day. How cool is that? If there was one thing I majored in, it was writing about ten pages of crap on just about anything as long as it didn't include math! So when my daughter showed me "her" paper, i set about correcting and adding on to it as best I could...here's what she wrote:

Dear Earth, happy birthday! I can't believe your 210 million years old already. It was just yesterday that you were in the Jurassic period of your life. I remember that your super continent, pangea, was already starting to drift apart. I also remember the first land plants that you grew...the life that your plants gave was amazing! You had animals such as plated stegasaurs, brachiosaurs and many more animals. You also had the first birds like the pterosaurs and even the early mammals. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, Love, Sara.



Now here's what i wrote:

Dear Earth, happy birthday! I can't believe your 210 million years old already when you don't look a day over 29...ok, ok, just kidding, those lines on your face, barely noticable. Probably during your jurassic period. That was because your super continent, Pangea was already starting to drift apart, probably because of too much sun. I told you to use more sunscreen! I love your first land plants! The ginkgoes i buy in a bottle...they were on sale at Walgreens last week, pretty cheap. My little dog Max would have a ball barking at your ptersaurs. That is, if they didn't eat him first. Have fun on your birthday, but don't party too hard...remember your last hangover the ice age...that really sucked! Love, Cindy

My daughter no longer asks me for help with her homework.

This is the boring my Aunt met Elvis story

My husband doesn't get my fascination with all things Elvis...but honestly, I love Elvis because I feel like I met him...I mean, I didn't, but my aunt did, and it's quite a story;

My Uncle Jim was in the Army with Elvis and when they got done with (if memory serves me right-basic training or some kind of training...they had been gone awhile-but I don't think Elvis had gone to Germany yet)...so my Uncle Jim and Elvis were getting some time off and my Aunt (who had no idea that Jim was serving along side Elvis-years later my uncle told me he didn't think it was any big deal, he didn't listen much to music anyway) was waiting in a little cabin (the kind where you had a little kitchenette, and hung your wash on the line-this was the 50's you know)...Next to her cabin was a kind older couple, and a young good looking hottie named Anita...who told my aunt she was waiting for her boyfriend "Elvie" to get back...my aunt thought the older couple (at least the mom) looked vaguely familiar but maybe it's kind of like the Kenny Rogers theory...when men get to a certain age, they all start looking like Kenny Rogers...Anyway, they were together a few days before the "fellas" got back, and my aunt got to know Anita and "Gladys" pretty well...So the day the boys returned while my aunt and Anita were sunning themselves my aunt got the shock of her life...Elvie, was Elvis...and Elvis immediately asked my Aunt what-for anyone else would've been a safe question;

Elvis: "Whose your favorite singer?"
My Aunt: "Pat Boone."

My Aunt said Elvis looked momentarily stunned and then started laughing and patted her on the head and replied, "you know, Pat's a good singer too." His girlfriend at the time, Anita Wood (Colonel Parker later forced Elvis to break up with her) thought it was funnier then heck, BUT when Elvis's mom Gladys heard about it, she didn't think it was funny, and never spoke to my Aunt again.

ps...years later, whenever someone made a "not quite bright" comment, we'd reply..."Pat Boone."

Top 5 Teenager Names

There's a new list out of popular baby names by the people who put of lists of every things...this year, the top 5 baby boy names are from number 5 to number 1; William, Jayden, Michael, Ethan, and Jacob...same order with top baby girls names; Ava, Olivia, Emma, Sophia, and Isabella at number one...

But something strange happens when those cute little babies become teenagers...you can't call those same names you named them at birth because they don't answer you...which is why, once your babies hit their teen years, it's simply easier to rename them...which I did, and here, from number 5 to number 1...

My TOP 5 TEENAGER NAMES

5. Stop Texting and Look at Me when I'm Talking to you!
4. Don't Give me that look!
3. No, you can't!
2. You're grounded!

And drum roll please....

1. Got a job yet?

Happy Mother's Day MOM!!!
Love ya,
Cindy

Old dogs, children and watermellon wine

My mom called me with the saddest news last week...my grandma's dog Vicki 2 (yes, there was a Vicki 1, thanks for asking)-who has been living with my parents since my grandma died in 2006, had collapsed in the front room on a Wednesday night and couldn't get up...Vicki 2 was in pain, whining and struggling, and my mom (who has congestive heart failure) was unable to help her...

It was just, how do I say this, the call from hell, my mom was crying, I was crying...this being a small Iowan town, there was no overnight emergency pet hospital, so my mom-bless her-gave Vicki 2 a half of her pain pill...believe it or not, a half hour later, Vicki 2 dragged herself outdoors to do her business and back in (think about that; the dog had to go but refused to wet in the house-how's that for dog of the year?)...but the decision was made, Vicki was unable to lift herself up without help and it was time to broil a T-bone steak for her last supper...yeah, that's how we prepare our pets for their last night on earth, and because my parents have half a cow in their freezer...as you do, in Iowa...Vicki was 3 quarters of her way to the pearly gates...

A little history on this dog; my grandma didn't want another dog after the first Vicki died (of diabetes...she was a 30 pound chihuahua which grandma inadvertently overfed with people food, and in Vicki's final years my grandma-a former nurse-had to give her dog insulin shots to keep her alive.) But a couple of months later my mom heard of a young chow whose snout was apparently used to put out cigarettes (the fur still has never grown back), and my grandma grumbled that she was too old (at 92) to be taking in another dog...but when Vicki settled down on her lap and fixed grandma with her round little "please take me home and I will love you always" eyes...Score: Dog won, Grandma 1 dog...so for the last five years of grandma's life, Vicki 2 was her security system both in love and companionship...grandma wouldn't let my children-- and me sit on certain chairs in her house, but was cheerfully oblivious to the dog chewing holes into the wood and fabric...I didn't comment on any of that, the dog was loved, my grandma was happy...win-win for everyone...In grandma's final months, she worried what would happen to Vicki as her inevitable was approaching...I offered to take Vick-she was an especially loving pet...but after my grandma died there was no way my mom would give up Vicki, and So Vicki has spent the last 5 years being over loved, and overfed, and just like the Vicki 1, a myriad health problems thanks to a life filled with Iams dog food, doggy treats, and grilled cheese sandwiches.

That Thursday morning I wore my biggest sun glasses for the drive to work so I could sob in the car without worrying about people staring at me. I stayed in my studio all day, I didn't want to try to explain my teary red eyes and later, with a headache from hell, called my mom to ask how it went down for Vicki 2...

"Oh she's fine," said my mom, "the doctor gave her some steroids and she's actually moving around and wagging her tail."

I had a glass of wine, took a couple of Excedrin Migraine's and went to bed.

When it's springtime in Milwaukee, it's 40 below

I don't think there's anything prettier then snow softly falling on a pine tree, as long as that pine tree is something your watching on your cable channel, from somewhere where it's 78 degrees, and your feet are sweating...

I'm not sure it's ever going to be spring here, since Groundhog's Day was canceled this past February..."If they cancel Groundhog Day and the groundhog see's his shadow, does that mean we still get six more weeks of winter?" The answer, apparently, is yes, with bonus days thrown in, just to p*ss everyone off...that's the real reason everyone is protesting at the capitol, there's just nothing else to do...I'm all for the state of Wisconsin collectively bargaining 2 days off in Florida for everyone, every winter!

Winter just seems like it's been too long this year, most nights I needed a nap just so I'd have the strength to get off the couch to go to bed.

The Packers won the Super Bowl this year(!!!) so winter didn't officially start until the week before Valentine's Day, which would've been OK if the husband had actually bought some Valentine chocolates which he didn't;

Me: Honey, where is my chocolates?
Hubby: Are you kidding? We blew it all on the Packer Party last week!

Now that we're in the season of Easter, such trivial matters of what I didn't get for Valentine's Day no longer seem important...although, last year I gave up chocolate for Lent and well, that didn't work out real well, so this year I'm just giving up being thin! Look, if Charlie Sheen can conquer his addictions with his mind, I can conquer my willpower with chocolate donuts!

And I can celebrate Easter the best way that I can...with the Girl Scout Thin Mints I found in my husbands sock drawer where he tried to hide them--silly husband--I can smell mint cookies from a mile away and anyway, look, if he truly didn't want me to find them, he should've put the Thin Mints on top of the brand spankin' new Ab Exerciser, I'd never find them there.

It's been a weird winter so far, and I chalk that up to the Chinese Calender where it's officially the year of the Rabbit, it's also what's on the menu!

Anyway, what can you expect out of a year that starts out with the entire Zodiac Calender being changed...for real...for years I've been a disorganized, perfectionist Virgo, but NOW I find out that I'm really a uncomplicated and disciplined Leo...honestly, who believes this crap?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I smell cookies...

(picture taken by my friend Karen Trucks Karl-who makes winter almost look well, pretty.)

My Christmas News letter this year

Some people are annoyed by the annual Christmas news letter, the one that lists all the apparently awesome things that happened to that family this year...the "my Billy excelled at Harvard" or, "my little Amanda took number one in the fire eating contest..." OK, I never got a Christmas letter that started out like that but fire eating contest! Wouldn't that be awesome? Anyway, put me down as a fan in the I love the annual Christmas news letters...

Look, there's so much bad happening all over the country, the fact that at least someone's family had a good time this year gives me hope! Although, at my house, all my kids were awesome! So here is my Christmas News letter this year, feel free to share with all your loser friends...; ) ...I'm kidding of course, don't share!!!

My oldest son finally realized his passion this year...growing pot, I'm thinking bible school wasn't the right fit for him...BUT...there IS a school for growing pot...Oaksterdam University in Oakland, California, where they have the highest quality training for cannibis-according to the brochure and yes, I couldn't be prouder...sadder yet, this is probably the son I'm gonna have to borrow money from in my old age.

I turned 50 this year...what? Shut up, really?

I'd like to moan and complain about that but while I was busy getting older, my girlfriend was busy battling cancer for her life. She lost her battle shortly after I hit my milestone. Her sister dedicated a facebook page for all her friends to reminisce, and yesterday I read the nicest story about my Sue from Angelia Diaz;

I remember my first meeting with her. It was my interview as prep cook for "let's dish catering" I sat at this long table near the kitchen. Sick too, I was coming down with a cold. I was so scared that she was going to turn me away because I was feeling under the weather and I wasn't thinking clearly to show her the best side of me. Instead, she gave me soup. Chicken noodle soup. It was the best thing I ate that day. I never expected her call a few days later. I was so excited.

That, totally sums up my friend Sue.

Also this year, I lost my job, quit smoking and started up again about a hundred times, was hired at an awesome "classic country station," ended up with a new dog, found out I'm gonna be a grandma again and learned my cholesterol is 296. That's for another newsletter, another day.

Merry Christmas and much love,

Cindy Huber

My brush with greatness, and how I screwed it up

Leslie Nielsen passed away yesterday, he was 84.

I had a chance to interview him for my college newspaper (before Airplane came out). He was playing Harry Truman in a one man play at the Paramount in Aurora, Illinois...either 1979 or 1980. I had never heard of him but my mom was super excited because she loved him as the villain in her favorite soap (that's soap operas to you kids under 30), and my college Spanish teacher was excited because Leslie was his favorite bad guy in a lot of television shows. Stupid kid that I was (college freshman-like that's an excuse, I was a not very bright college freshman), I sat down with him, turned on my cassette recorder, and interviewed him-lots of (now very embarrassing) interview 101 questions;

Hi Leslie, do you like playing bad guys?
Are you married?
How many kids do you have?

Leslie was so kind, he gave me very generous answers-because, perhaps, I was a sweet little 19 year old blond wearing a skirt with a slit in it (disco wasn't dead yet) OR because he realized there was no way I was asking him anything I could use for my newspaper article and he was a very kind man with daughters my age.

Then, at the end of the interview, I thanked him for his time and asked, "Now, do you have any questions you want to ask me?" I remember he gave me a very quizzical look, and said "No," and then preceded to invite me to his play. If he meant anything in his invitation I was too stupid to pick up on it; I told him I had to work that night, but then asked him for his autograph (which I gave to my Spanish teacher! because he had begged me to get one for him), turned off my little cassette tape recorder and went back to school where I typed up my article. The next week I taped over his interview on some stupid new interview I did. When my mom heard I did that she was LIVID!!! She told me I would regret it, yeah, sure, whatever mom.

Then, a few months later, there was that actor I interviewed on the big screen, AIRPLANE!

My mom was right.

I Miss my friend

My girlfriend Sue is in big trouble. She's been fighting cancer since April and up until this week, we thought she was going to beat it. Today, we're not so sure. This comes as a complete shock to her friends and family, all who know Sue to be a fighter and a winner. When I first found out she had this cancer (via her facebook entry), I wasn't worried at all because she had already beaten cancer once before, and that was seven years ago. Plus, maybe it's the way she broke the news..."hey everyone I'm going to lose weight..."

Sue's a chef who had her own catering business "Let's Dish (ttp://www.lets-dish.com/)." I say "had" because her family recently contacted her clients to tell them that she was in rough shape.

Sue is the kind of friend...how do I put this...tough, tender, sweet, sassy, strong, demanding, hardcore left of left Democrat, incredibly loyal and funnier then heck...OK, hell...yeah, that's Sue. If I had even half of Sue's personality, I'd be incredibly rich and famous with a couple of Oscars under my belt. You see, Sue's the kind of person that didn't sit around and wish...she just...did. Want to live in Chicago next to Wrigley field? She did. Want to take cooking lessons in France, Sue did. Want to drive through the Alps, Sue did, although she told me she was so scared she promised God if she survived she would go back to church...she did, at Christmas time.

Seven years ago she beat sarcoma, although the radiation and chemo she got was so strong she was warned that she could possibly develop leukemia, although the chances were rare. When I saw her at her sister's 50th this past February, she was telling me that the doctors told her she was cured because it was over seven years. She was the picture of health, she had broiled several (over 30 at least) of filet mignons with a delicious dipping sauce and a ton of other stuff that she had prepared. (This was not unusual for Sue, who not only catered her sister's wedding, but her own as well!) Then April...now this. Her sister emailed me today to tell me that things are bad, her blood pressure and lung capacity is dropping, and the doctors have called a family conference for tomorrow to "make some decisions."

Everything is reminding of Sue today. Tonight, I saw a flock of geese heading south, and then another goose (solo)heading North and I teared up. I played Vince Gill's "Go Rest High on that Mountain" and darn near lost it on the air. Last Thursday I took part in an amazing prayer group...Sue's sister Sandie asked everyone to pray for Sue at exactly 10:30pm...and I truly felt God's presence, and I knew for sure Sue would be cured. Well...that didn't happen. I'm at a loss, because I know God heard us...

Earlier this year I read Alannah Hamilton's book about Farrah Fawcett's fight against her cancer, and about something Ryan O'Neal said when Farrah's fight was near the end, and that was how he wouldn't mind if Farrah stayed like that forever, just so she wouldn't leave. At the time I was like what, why would anyone want someone to stay in that condition, who would want to live like that...although today I totally understand what he meant. The thought of Sue leaving is worse then the thought of Sue being in her present condition, non-responsive and on a ventilator.

I miss my friend.


ps...Susan Spring Cotch passed away this morning, October 5, 2010.

If the kids are deaf...blame Sun chips!

I don't know if you saw the recent report where hearing loss is becoming more common in teenagers...according to what I saw on Headline News, one in five teenagers NOW have a hearing loss..I told this to my kids last night but they just said WHAT?

I said hearing loss...

What?

I said you can't hear!

What?

But now I think I know why! SUN CHIPS!

For real, the bags are too noisy. This is how crazy this is...scientist have actually done studies on the sound the bag makes when you open it (because scientist don't have any cancer to cure or whatever)...they studied the big Sun Chip bags, because the small snack bags aren't made with the same ingredients. The problem has something to do with the fact the bag is made from plant based materials...they're biodegradable...and apparently biodegradable is noisy...A problem I don't have when I open my Pringles canister.

A Father's love, a son's legacy

A couple of weeks ago I had the joy of touring the Kettle Moraine Ranch, and I just had to share this story with you...

This is Al Gagliano. He created this ranch back in 1967 with his son Jeff as a place where disabled and disadvantaged kids could enjoy hayrides, horse back riding, and picnics.

Then Al's son Jeff was killed in an airplane accident, and insurance rates skyrocketed making it impossible to host the children on the ranch. But Al refused to give up, and continues his ranch as a living legacy for his son.

Everyone knows about the tornado that hit Eagle, but it also affected Al as well, as he was caught in the middle of the storm, and barely survived. But this past Labor Day, he opened up his ranch to raise money for disadvantaged veterans. He has a huge heart, he really does, and so I'm going to try to do my part, and pass on info about his ranch, just in case you'd like to do some horseback riding, or take the kids on a hayride, or pony ride. He has general store, petting zoo, and mine shaft for the kiddies, and on the weekend, a saloon for the parents.

Here is his phone number: 262-594-2122 or you can check out the ranch at www.kettlemoraineranch.com email him at heavenjeff@netzero.net.

A thought about "Sin taxes."

I just saw where New York city raised the price of cigarettes to eleven dollars...Yes! Eleven dollars for a pack of cigarettes in New York...they're calling it a "sin tax."

Forgive me if I sound cynical here, but of course these politicians are doing this because they have a passion for saving lives...and not because the state has a huge budget shortfall.

I have an idea for a "sin tax."

Let's apply it for all politicians who pass laws all over this country...If the politician "sin's"...he/she gets taxed!

Think about this for a second...a politician lies, steals, cheats on his/her spouse, promises something but does something else...SIN TAX!

We'd have the budget balanced in no time!

This just in...the moon is shrinking...

These are my dog's; Brutus (black) and Max (white), and they could care less...


The moon is shrinking...how do I know...some scientist said so, that's how. (Scientists at the Center for Earth and Planetary Studies at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum calculate that the moon has shrunk 328 feet in the past 328 billion years)...but don't you worry about it disappearing in our lifetime...no, we'll be looooong gone by that time thanks to the astroid that's gonna wipe us out in 2182. (This killer astroid even has a R 2 D 2 sorta name...1999 RQ 36...isn't that cute...how could a sweet little ol' 1999 RQ 36 hurt us...puleeze!)

But why worry about astroids and shrinkage when you have rattle snakes in Wisconsin! For real...I found this out when a rattle snake-who apparently caught a ride from Texas on a train-found it's way into the backyard of some poor woman from Sheyboygan who proceeded to kill it with an ice chopper...what was shocking to me was that we have rattle snakes in Wisconsin...the massasauga rattlesnake which "Drop for drop, the massasauga's venom is more toxic than the"...well, I digress since according to the website I found, no one has been killed since 1900...probably because the snakes like to hang out in swamps, and most people like to hang out in their homes and watch the Brewers.

By now you've heard there's a salmonella outbreak in eggs...the good news is as long as you "cook" the eggs or they're baked in something, they're safe...and honestly, "eggs over easy" are gross!!! I've always been a "eggs fried rock solid in bacon grease" sort of cook, so you could say salmonella is going to be the least of my worries.

ps...This just in...first we have salmonella in eggs...NOW it's in frozen mice...for real...there's a company called MICE DIRECT...they sell frozen mice as pet food for reptiles...this may not be a big deal to you...but then again you don't own a turtle.

Off the Beach!

I can't even begin to tell you how nice it is to be back to work!!!
But you know me soooo, here goes...

1. I no longer hate Monday's...because after 5 months "on the beach," every day was a Sunday, except everyone else was at work, and I was still in my pajamas.

(Look mom, I have a job...I'm serving up barbeque at Steinhafels in Waukesha)

2.True boredom is being able to take your smoking break whenever you want.



(It's so good to see you again...at work and not on the unemployment line.)

3. It's always nice to have a reason to get out of your pajamas before noon!

On the beach...waiting out the storm.

When you're unemployed, being short cash is always an issue...but being without cable is non-negotiable, anyway that's what I told my husband last week when he asked. Life is too short to be without the Weather Channel during storm season, at least that's my belief...that and the fact that we never got around to picking up one of those special boxes that enable you to pick up all the free channels. So the cable bill is one of those bills that always get paid well, almost on time. Plus HGTV is always on, which is a welcome diversion from the oil spill, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and unemployment.

Recently I had an interview where I got very excited, sure that I was the perfect candidate they were looking for. I had everything they were looking for, I was cheap, I was available to work immediately, and I had personally met Garth Brooks. My husband, well, I can't even begin to tell you how excited he was for me! The day of my interview I woke up to see him reading the bible...that's when I got a little nervous. He was reading the from the Old Testament...Psalms...ok, I can't remember which chapter, I believe it's the one that starts "I raise up my arms crying out to the Lord, please give my wife a job..." (I think that's how it reads, it's not in the King James version, I think it's the newly edited version from Readers Digest)...but anyway, he certainly made his point...it was time for me to nail an interview...And I believed I was ready, having spent an entire spring reading all the latest Monster.com tips on how to dress and prepare for the interview...unfortunately when I came out from my interview, I noticed the next candidate had also read the same articles. I was dressed in a suit, so was he...in fact, he was a friend of mine from another radio station but we didn't recognize each other at first, probably because we had never seen each other in anything but jeans!

So the day came when they were suppose to make their decision, they were going to call me if I got it. I jumped every time the phone rang but each time it was only my husband, asking if they had called yet. By the end of the night, total despair. The "heck with it, I give up..." I put the phone back in the recharger and pulled out the popcorn popper...(and it's not an AIR popper either!), melted half a stick of real butter and totally sabotaged my diet! Then the EAS (emergency alert system) started blaring underneath House Hunter's International so I moved my bowl of total diet disruption out to the porch to watch the coming storm...And what a storm, sirens blaring, thunder blasting!!! Then it rolled over the lake, recharging itself for it's march into lower Michigan, and it was time for me to go to bed.

I dreamed about my nephew last night, two weeks ago I helped with his high school graduation party and I met one of his friends. Two years ago on Memorial Day weekend his family was involved in a head on crash that killed his sister and father. He was in a coma for months, no one knew if he would survive. He did, but will carry the scars of this tragedy for his entire lifetime; his vision is screwed up, his speech is slurred, and he has trouble walking. If anyone should be bitter, it should be him, but he's not. He's all excited about going to college this September, excited about his upcoming new life, grateful to be alive.

I woke up ashamed of myself. And the storm was over.

Update...On the "diet" beach

My sweet little daughter posted this on her facebook page;

Okay, a diet is called a diet so that you don't eat food that's bad for you...so taking other people's Taco Bell food is not a part of that DANG DIET! -__-

And everyone who replied correctly guessed she was talking about ME!

Hey! If I had any willpower, I wouldn't have to be on a diet!

And why the heck is she posting about my stealing her taco bell food?! Here's how I look at it, if you stand next to a hungry giant bear in a bear cage eating a soft shell taco supreme, don't be too surprised if the bear reaches out and tries to grab your taco...and in our house, I'm not in a cage.

I think I've been out of work too long because as the 24-7 dog walker in our home since January 23rd, I now know waaay to much about my dog's bowel habits. On the plus side, that's still more entertaining then anything else on the tube!

I just took what's called a Myers-Briggs career assessment-which included two days of testings to find-and I quote-"specific occupations and career fields I might enjoy" and here's the "career fields and occupations" suggested by my results;
1. Announcer.
2. Radio disc jockey.
3. Automobile salesperson.
4. Elected public official.

Starting tomorrow I'll be taking campaign donations at the Honey dip donuts on South 27th to fund my run for Wisconsin governor this fall...OR I'll be using the donations to buy more donuts...or tacos.

On the beach AND on the diet!

Just because I'm out of work doesn't mean I'm always sitting next to the phone waiting for it to ring...oh no...sometimes I take a nap too...and walk the dog...change out of my pajamas...take a nap...load the dishwasher...watch some Weather Channel...walk the dog, AND take another nap...busy, busy, busy. Then, because I don't want to waste this wonderful opportunity, I've also taken this opportunity to change and enrich my life...No, I'm not selling AMWAY...I'm on ANOTHER DIET!

My mom (bless her) signed me up for Nutrisystems and like Marie Osmond, I'm now changing my life with weight loss, and in three days I've already lost THREE POUNDS! I've already tripled my weight loss from my last diet ALLI-in which I spent three days in the bathroom, BUT STILL didn't lose ONE POUND! Nutrisystems is one of those diet plans where they send you all the food you should eat, and as long as you don't cheat on it...you will lose weight. And the food is delicious, for breakfast I had a blue berry muffin, for lunch, chicken noodle soup, and supper was a buffalo chicken wrap...unfortunately, it is now 10:30 am and I have already eaten my entire meal plan for THE DAY. I'm now wondering, if I go to bed now, and sleep for eight hours, does that mean it qualifies as tomorrow and I can start eating again?

I also read over the weekend that the health Nazis have targeted hot dogs as unsafe for human consumption, arguing that hot dogs should have warning labels on their packaging! As you know, warning labels work...just look what they've done for cigarettes! Honestly, you could put a warning label on hot dogs that show the "dog" holding a gun while smoking a cigarette, and I'd still be looking for the ketchup and mustard.

More later...it's time for my nap.

On the beach update...part two

Since I was laid-off at B93.3fm, I've been asked if I ever listen to my old show and truthfully...NO...but not because I'm hurt, bitter or angry. I loved my afternoon show and how do I explain this...getting laid off in radio is alot like getting dumped in real life. It's like, I want my ex-husband to be happy, I just don't want to hear him with his new girlfriend.

I haven't got a new job yet but I'm hopeful...you may not realize this but when you're on unemployment in Wisconsin you're required to apply for two jobs a week...and as of April 1st, Wisconsin is using a lottery system to randomly call people in to prove that they've been doing just that. Not a problem for me, in fact, the highlight of my day is going online to see who gets my resume this week and drum roll please...it's NASA!!! Congratulations NASA!

I just sent them some information and you won't believe this but I have an interview!!! I've always wanted to be a space cadet. I'll let you know how that goes.

The good thing about all this new free time is I now have time to hang with the girls! Last Friday I went to this "pampering" party for Arbonne and my girlfriend served several bottles of red wine and...weeeellll...I did something bad...real bad...

Get wasted and spend all night in the bathroom?
Worse.

Drink too much and insult the hostess?
Worse.

When I came to the next morning I realized I had signed up to host a party...hey, you got any plans two Friday's from now...want a free facial?

My long suffering better half just recovered from pneumonia last week and I, the smoker have been giving him a lot of grief over it like..."hey, you're always on my case about smoking BUT YOU HAVE PNEUMONIA!" Not me-3 cigs a day Huber! My lungs are clear! Of course it's probably because of all those carcinogens in my Marlboro smooths fighting off the pneumonia bacteria. Man, I hope karma doesn't come back and bite me in the butt for that.