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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Dumb stuff I said this year...


January 10th, in honor of the Olympics..."Believe it or not it was ten times worse walking the dog on glare ice tonight then it was in the frigid polar wind chills the other night...nothing beats watching an old dog trying to do his business while involuntarily sliding down sidewalk while I'm skating behind him with a pooh bag. I completed the walk with a triple lutz into the nearest snowbank while the old dog pretended not to notice."

On getting old...

All choices contain consequences which you pay for later in life--like for instance--My life long lack of food restraint means continuous dieting...OR..In the case of my fitnessed obsessed neighbor, knee surgery...

The problem with youtube is that it makes it possible for me to stay up all night watching the same video over and over...California Dreaming by the Mama's and Papa's...

You know television is really crap when the only thing you want to watch on cable is the Time/Life video selections...

You know what's great about late night television shows...you learn so much about information on things that want to kill you, like venomous spider bites and boa constrictors...A snake in a cage will spend all day and night trying to figure out how to get out and go after you...I'd make a lousy snake...I'd spend all day trying to figure out how to get out of the cage and change the channel...


Signs that I'm too old to sleep without some help;
Finally, the doctor reordered the Ambien for me...after another lecture on how sleep aids can be addicting and habit forming...You know, like how getting 8 hours of solid sleep a night can become addicting and habit forming...

Signs that I am old;

1. I'm actually considering a subscription to Readers Digest...and paying extra for LARGE PRINT...
2. And this is even scarier...Realizing that I actually DO like fruitcake...

Signs that I've developed some wisdom along the way;

When I was young I thought a sign of maturity was putting a pillow and an alarm clock next to the toilet before I went out and partied...Years later I realized I could just drink less and sleep in my own damn bed...

True maturity would have involved me noticing that I wasn't "rockin' my 80's perm..."

On losing a beloved member of the family;


After my husband caught me yet again on a website I shouldn't be on (Bichon rescue), I told him I would either have to have grief therapy or get another bichon....My husband asked how much I think the therapy would cost...

My beloved stepson left the nest today and although I should be happy because he is now officially living on his own, I'm not...He took the Keurig machine with him...


Reasons why I like Summer more then winter;
In the Winter, you can put on your flannel pj's at 5 pm and no one notices...In the Winter, you can then wear those flannel pj's over to Walmart if you have a long enough winter coat and no one cares...
So why do I like Summer more then winter? In the Winter, there's nothing to do but wear flannel pj's and go to Walmart.

Good news/bad news meaning of Happiness;

Happiness is remembering you have an unopened box of Eggo waffles.
Pain is realizing you are out of syrup.


On Dieting;

Have you ever noticed how many donut shops you live by after you decide to go on a diet?


On Easter;

Fat Tuesday.
Diet Wednesday.

Jesus Loves the Little Children;

Red and Yellow, black and white...We are all equal at the DMV...

On Thanksgiving;

Thanks to the internet I can now cook a Thanksgiving Turkey for the first time ever...I mean there are hundreds of recipes on how to cook a Thanksgiving turkey, with at least half of them telling you to start the turkey upside down in the oven...BUT NOT ONE of those recipes give you any idea what to do after the turkey flies out of the pan and hits the floor after you attempt to flip it over..

Why Bears Hibernate;

Another wickedly white knuckle night on the highway with morons spinning out all around me...thankfully the potholes on 60th provided much needed traction...Now I know why bears hibernate in the winter...they hate to drive...

To my dear Mother on my first Mother's Day without her;

Would you believe we got a beautiful sunny day? I have dreaded facing this day for months, grieving over the thought that this year I wouldn't be able to visit you, hold you or tell you how much I love you...Your absense is like being in a really bad club where the price of admission is a broken heart...BUT... Would you believe, when I woke up this morning the sunrise was so beautiful, the birds were chirping, it was just impossible to feel completely horrible...So I decided to plant some flowers in your memory and wanted to do pansy's, but then decided against them because they only last a short time before the heat wilts them and the pansy's just break my heart. My husband said plant them anyway, and enjoy them while they're here. So that's what I'm going to do, in your honor.

http://www.blogher.com/emails-heaven

Famous Last Words...

When my husband wanted to know why I was running out in my flannel pj's to Walmart, I replied "it's not like I'm going to run into anyone I know at Walmart tonight..." Hashtag...‎I‬ ran into everyone I know at Walmart tonight...

2 comments:

Nurse Elaine said...

Sweet!! May your 2015 exceed your expectations for health and happiness!!

Cindy Huber said...

Nurse Elaine,

And my love to you and God's blessings to you and your family in 2015!

Much Love,

Cindy